Friday, November 20, 2009

'Tis the Season

First of all, let me address my silence last week, lest anyone out there think I have fallen off the wagon of accomplishment and slid back into a life of brainless sloth. Instead of blogging, I was in bed, feeling like that mean-girl soccer player from the University of New Mexico had kicked in the side of my head, and generally praying for death. While it probably wasn't that bad, I did have my first sinus infection, something I hope never to repeat. In fact, I've now updated my official version of hell to: Breastfeeding with a sinus infection for eternity while Kay jewelry commercials play on loop in the background. Shudder.

Which brings me to today's topic: Annoying things about the holidays. Let me first say that I love the holidays, actually, I'm not a Scrooge at all. But making a list of all the things one loves about the holidays is more difficult to make humorous than a list of things one hates ("I just love reindeer. What's up with how cute they are?" See what I mean?). So for the same reason almost all stand-up comics resort to foul language and potty humor, I will once again whine.

The timing of this blog (pre-Thanksgiving) brings me to reason number one, which is admittedly trite, and that is that the holidays now last like half the year. Soon we will live live in a constant state of Christmas to the point where there will be no more Christmas because it will have just become normal life to have a fake evergreen tree in your house, binge-eat, and buy massive quantities of goods on credit (OK so, save for the tree, we are pretty much there as it is). Santa arrived at the local mall this year on November 7. November 7! Seriously, shouldn't he still be scarfing down his Halloween candy and exercising his right to vote on November 7 instead of hanging out at the mall? I know Christmas did not start this early six years ago, when Kevin and I got married on November 8th, otherwise I know I would have made our annoying DJ (the one that had the nerve to play the explicitly forbidden Kenny G) dress up like Santa for revenge. I didn't realize a holiday theme was even an option at that time.

Starting Christmas so early means we have an entire additional month to enjoy those aforementioned Kay Jewelry commercials. This year's selections include one from last year featuring some deaf girl and the idiot she is dating, who makes up for his bumbling sign language by giving her a diamond necklace. When he asks her if she likes it (proving his idiocy), she says in her halting deaf accent, "Read my lips," and then gives him that kiss that "begins with K/Kay." Three of my teeth rotted out just typing that out. Then, brand new this year, we have another idiot couple in a woodland cabin suffering through a (rare) December thunderstorm. When the woman jumps into the man's arms in fright over a clap of thunder, he gives her some "arms surrounding you/hearts entwined/I will suffocate you with my love"-themed necklace and reassures her. He should have just dumped her right there because any girl who can't handle a little thunder is for damned sure not going to make it through childbirth, much less motherhood in general. A slight improvement on that one is the couple celebrating their first Christmas with their new baby. The husband comes to the nursery where the wife is up in the middle of the night rocking the baby back to sleep and gives her a diamond necklace. Somewhat touching at first glance, although if I were the woman, my response would be, "You can keep your damn necklace and try getting you butt out of bed with this child once in a blue moon." But I guess that is not going to sell any jewelry. I've about decided Kay's entire advertising campaign is based on the premise that if your commercials feature a bunch of really dumb people, the viewers will feel smarter by comparison and thank you by soliciting your business. That's all I can figure. Unless most people are really that dumb just for starters.

Wow, I've pretty much written an entire blog about the Kay Jewelry commercials, so I may have to save the rest of my holiday whining for next week's post-Thanksgiving extravaganza. Here's hoping I am much funnier when hopped up on sugar and 10 lbs. closer to obesity.

Friday, November 6, 2009

The Leaf Raking Workout

As you know, the spreadsheet says I need to be working out. This is currently slotted for 7:30-8:00 p.m., but I'm sure you can imagine how well that is going. By 7:30, Kevin is home, infecting me with his laziness, and Charlotte is in bed for the night, which always leaves me feeling self-indulgent for having survived another day of motherhood, a.k.a. working for the most demanding prima donna since Mariah Carey. My thought process is usually, "I SO deserve that massive slab of cheesecake/massive glass of wine/massive internet shopping spree," NOT, "I SO deserve that massive workout." But ultimately I do blame Kevin for the fact that I have yet to implement this part of the spreadsheet.

So today I decided I would work out during Charlotte's nap, before blogging. But then I looked outside and realized that our house was about to be devoured by leaves. Now my original plan for fall was to allow all the leaves to fall, because why go through the work of removing them when more are simply arriving? But this strategy doesn't work for managing body hair, and it doesn't work for leaves. Because in both cases you end up being suffocated, you die, and no one can even find your body for all the crap all over it. OK maybe not, but I really don't want to take my chances with the leaves. Our yard looks like there's some kind of weird Star Wars creature living on it. And then I looked up on Weight Watchers the point value for raking some leaves, and it was like double the elliptical machine, seriously. So I went out and raked me some leaves.

And then I got to thinking, it's really pretty dumb how we whine and complain about household chores and even pay other people to do them and buy all these contraptions on TV to make the chores easier and less strenuous--and then we go work out. Why don't we just skip the workout, which is at least as tedious and boring as any chore, and just clean or rake or something? We could even wear that cool sweat-wicking workout gear if it makes us feel any better. I'm telling you, I just got an awesome workout raking those leaves. My abs are begging for mercy, man! And better yet, there are like 50 billion more leaves to rake out there, which will keep me in workouts for the next month.

Yeah, I'm totally buying a leaf blower.