tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34884490738455632592024-03-10T23:24:21.602-04:00Motherhood for the PhobicBe afraid. Be VERY afraid.hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.comBlogger185125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-51514802659174456952023-11-20T11:45:00.001-05:002023-11-20T11:45:05.707-05:00I am colonoscopy-years-old and still can't assert any kind of authority<div class="separator"><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">Taylor Swift, who is 33, sings, ”I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser.” </p></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Honey, just wait until you are 48 and being b*tch-slapped by a rescue dog who weighs less than a stand mixer. </p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link is-viewable-img image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc547129b-e6bf-4ec5-b954-5a4e9fe417fd_2172x2880.jpeg" rel="" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; 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--tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc547129b-e6bf-4ec5-b954-5a4e9fe417fd_2172x2880.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc547129b-e6bf-4ec5-b954-5a4e9fe417fd_2172x2880.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc547129b-e6bf-4ec5-b954-5a4e9fe417fd_2172x2880.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc547129b-e6bf-4ec5-b954-5a4e9fe417fd_2172x2880.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/c547129b-e6bf-4ec5-b954-5a4e9fe417fd_2172x2880.jpeg","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":1931,"width":1456,"resizeWidth":268,"bytes":1362206,"alt":null,"title":null,"type":"image/jpeg","href":null,"belowTheFold":false,"topImage":true,"internalRedirect":null}" fetchpriority="high" height="355.43131868131866" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc547129b-e6bf-4ec5-b954-5a4e9fe417fd_2172x2880.jpeg" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc547129b-e6bf-4ec5-b954-5a4e9fe417fd_2172x2880.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc547129b-e6bf-4ec5-b954-5a4e9fe417fd_2172x2880.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc547129b-e6bf-4ec5-b954-5a4e9fe417fd_2172x2880.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc547129b-e6bf-4ec5-b954-5a4e9fe417fd_2172x2880.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" width="268" /></picture><div class="image-link-expand" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border-radius: 6px; cursor: pointer; display: flex; height: var(--size-32); justify-content: center; opacity: 0; position: absolute; right: var(--size-12); top: var(--size-12); transition: all var(--animation-timing-fast) var(--animation-smoothing); width: var(--size-32);"><svg class="lucide lucide-maximize2" fill="none" height="16" stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" stroke-width="2" stroke="#FFFFFF" viewbox="0 0 24 24" width="16" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><polyline points="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyline><polyline points="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyline><line x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></line><line x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></line></svg></div></div></a><figcaption class="image-caption" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; color: var(--print_secondary, var(--print_secondary_on_web_bg_color, var(--print_secondary, var(--color-secondary)))); font-size: calc(var(--font-size-14) + var(--font_size_body_offset, 0px)); letter-spacing: var(--letter-spacing-14); line-height: var(--line-height-20); margin-top: var(--size-8); padding-left: 109.1875px; padding-right: 109.1875px; text-align: center; width: 509.59375px;">The face of tyranny</figcaption></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">This is what my days look like now. I am awakened at 7 by Lilo the Daschund-Yorkie-Chihuahua-Minpin. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">(Sidenote: we got his DNA done and the 43% Yorkie was rather shocking, especially to my husband, who specifically requested any new dog be 0% Yorkie. But that’s Yorkies for you, they secretly rule the world. Unless you live with one, then it’s no secret). </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">I spend 10 minutes attempting to stay in bed longer while he begins to eat the buttons off my pajamas, followed by my nose. I do have a large nose, so maybe it’s for the best. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Then I take him on a walk. This used to be a somewhat pleasant activity. Sure, he acted out some kind of Iditarod fantasy the whole way, but I managed fine, because I am 10 times his weight and can essentially perform as a kind of dog treadmill just by virtue of gravity. I put on my podcast, zoned out, and just manhandled his ass. </p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fcccfdaf2-e770-42a3-a7ca-9e0789e91b86_500x350.gif" rel="" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; 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--tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/cccfdaf2-e770-42a3-a7ca-9e0789e91b86_500x350.gif","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":350,"width":500,"resizeWidth":264,"bytes":4298057,"alt":null,"title":null,"type":"image/gif","href":null,"belowTheFold":false,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="184.8" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fcccfdaf2-e770-42a3-a7ca-9e0789e91b86_500x350.gif" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fcccfdaf2-e770-42a3-a7ca-9e0789e91b86_500x350.gif 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fcccfdaf2-e770-42a3-a7ca-9e0789e91b86_500x350.gif 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fcccfdaf2-e770-42a3-a7ca-9e0789e91b86_500x350.gif 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fcccfdaf2-e770-42a3-a7ca-9e0789e91b86_500x350.gif 1456w" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" width="264" /></picture><div style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><span style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;">But then I hired Raleigh the dog trainer. Raleigh the dog trainer has been made necessary by the rest of my day, which consists of brief spurts of time, in which I am able to work unmolested, amidst the rest of the time, in which a small dog gnaws at my clothes, bounces up and down in front of my face, eats parts of my chair, barks angrily at me when I object to this level of obsessive stalking, and generally acts like Glenn Close in </span><em style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;">Fatal Attraction</em><span style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;">. </span></p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F99db41d7-0501-4999-9606-3e27df3a70a7_259x194.jpeg" rel="" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F99db41d7-0501-4999-9606-3e27df3a70a7_259x194.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F99db41d7-0501-4999-9606-3e27df3a70a7_259x194.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F99db41d7-0501-4999-9606-3e27df3a70a7_259x194.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F99db41d7-0501-4999-9606-3e27df3a70a7_259x194.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="Hide the bunnies! 'Fatal Attraction' turns 25, still won't be ignored, Dan" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/99db41d7-0501-4999-9606-3e27df3a70a7_259x194.jpeg","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":194,"width":259,"resizeWidth":null,"bytes":null,"alt":"Hide the bunnies! 'Fatal Attraction' turns 25, still won't be ignored, Dan","title":null,"type":null,"href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="194" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F99db41d7-0501-4999-9606-3e27df3a70a7_259x194.jpeg" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F99db41d7-0501-4999-9606-3e27df3a70a7_259x194.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F99db41d7-0501-4999-9606-3e27df3a70a7_259x194.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F99db41d7-0501-4999-9606-3e27df3a70a7_259x194.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F99db41d7-0501-4999-9606-3e27df3a70a7_259x194.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" title="Hide the bunnies! 'Fatal Attraction' turns 25, still won't be ignored, Dan" width="259" /></picture><div style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">And to be fair, I, like Michael Douglas, did invite this utter disaster into my life during a moment of weakness and pure imbecility and have no one but myself to blame. Lilo/Glenn Close has other behavior problems as well, for instance last week nipping at our friend Gary, who thankfully settled for a new J. Crew dress shirt and not multimillion-dollar civil litigation. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">So Raleigh the dog trainer was called in. Within moments, Raleigh the dog trainer had Lilo’s attention. Maybe it was because he called him “Sir,” or maybe it was because Lilo sensed Raleigh was being paid quite a lot of money. Raleigh made it all look so easy. Raleigh said Lilo only needed to understand who was boss and this could be communicated through leash “popping,” making a scary “Disney Villain” face, and saying NO. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">“But we’ve been doing that incessantly since he arrived.” </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">“Say it with more conviction + Disney Villain face.”</p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F05b7c6bc-ae75-4e20-b1ad-49a7a8d47647_300x168.jpeg" rel="" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F05b7c6bc-ae75-4e20-b1ad-49a7a8d47647_300x168.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F05b7c6bc-ae75-4e20-b1ad-49a7a8d47647_300x168.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F05b7c6bc-ae75-4e20-b1ad-49a7a8d47647_300x168.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F05b7c6bc-ae75-4e20-b1ad-49a7a8d47647_300x168.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="Download Disney Villain Ursula Under The Sea Wallpaper | Wallpapers.com" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/05b7c6bc-ae75-4e20-b1ad-49a7a8d47647_300x168.jpeg","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":168,"width":300,"resizeWidth":null,"bytes":null,"alt":"Download Disney Villain Ursula Under The Sea Wallpaper | Wallpapers.com","title":null,"type":null,"href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="168" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F05b7c6bc-ae75-4e20-b1ad-49a7a8d47647_300x168.jpeg" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F05b7c6bc-ae75-4e20-b1ad-49a7a8d47647_300x168.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F05b7c6bc-ae75-4e20-b1ad-49a7a8d47647_300x168.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F05b7c6bc-ae75-4e20-b1ad-49a7a8d47647_300x168.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F05b7c6bc-ae75-4e20-b1ad-49a7a8d47647_300x168.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" title="Download Disney Villain Ursula Under The Sea Wallpaper | Wallpapers.com" width="300" /></picture><div style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"></div></div></a><figcaption class="image-caption" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; color: var(--print_secondary, var(--print_secondary_on_web_bg_color, var(--print_secondary, var(--color-secondary)))); font-size: calc(var(--font-size-14) + var(--font_size_body_offset, 0px)); letter-spacing: var(--letter-spacing-14); line-height: var(--line-height-20); margin-top: var(--size-8); padding-left: 109.1875px; padding-right: 109.1875px; text-align: center; width: 509.59375px;">Still too friendly </figcaption></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">We just needed to be consistent, just like with human kids, he said. Raleigh spent most of the time teaching us leash training as the foundation of all obedience (that part is not like with human kids, do not put a leash on your children, just as a legal disclaimer. OK some of them do require a leash. Just don’t expect it to stop them from online shopping with your credit card). Then Raleigh left with instructions to practice all he had taught me til next time. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">And that is when things really broke down. Like the very instant Raleigh left. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Because here’s the thing, Raleigh. The many things. I am raising two human kids, beings whose rearing has real, major consequences for myself, my children, and human society. Beings I cannot just put in a crate in another room if I grow tired of them. Beings who were born rather plus-sized and exceeded the weight of a stand mixer before they could even move independently. Beings who really, really need good, consistent authority.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><a href="https://hollyberkleyfletcher.substack.com/p/i-would-be-worst-dictator-ever" rel="" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary));">AND I CANNOT DO IT</a><span style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;">. Not even then. </span></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">I basically survived each day of their early lives just pin-balling between boredom and frustration and exhaustion and tantrums. Sometimes they even threw a tantrum, which only made it worse. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">The sad truth is that even with such high stakes—I can’t impose order on a junk drawer. I can’t mould the behavior of play-doh. I can’t enforce a rule somebody doesn’t want to follow even if armed. The rule breakers would see me with the gun and immediately and correctly identify that I had neither the skill nor temperament to use it. Then they would wrest it from my hands and shoot me. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Anyway.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Raleigh is clearly a talented dog trainer and a nice person. But his regimen has taken the one feature of my relationship with Lilo that is actually tolerable—our walks—and turned it into a tedious grind. If I were to do this properly—and there is pretty much no way I will—I would be correcting Lilo every few steps. I would be unable to listen to any podcasts. This would be a tragedy. </p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F9d57d486-fd44-45bc-8b20-5c2cb5442855_480x247.gif" rel="" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; 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--tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" width="398" /></picture><div style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Meanwhile, Lilo is still running this house like some kind of mob-boss-casino-magnate-former-POTUS whose diet mainly consists of things that should kill him and yet they do not. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Also—and stay with me, I promise this will be at least partly relevant—I am having a colonoscopy today. Well, I hope I am. Without getting all graphic on your ass (see what I did there), the prep, which has been not the most fun ever—mainly because I actually do need food to be anything close to a pleasant person—is maybe not doing a thorough cleaning job. Kind of like the maid service I pay like a kajillion dollars to clean my house that prioritizes folding the toilet paper hotel-style over actually removing dirt off the floor. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">My husband had this issue with his last year. It turns out he has a “big and tall” colon that needs extra cleaning (and presumably a special colon apparel store). It was a thing. I fear I will have this same thing. Our 15-year-old daughter—who has the soul of an 85 year-old—is now already worried that she, too, has a big and tall colon and that her colonoscopies will be involved affairs. I told her to maybe use that mental energy to fold her laundry instead. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Anyway, my point is not that I have an internally large butt, to say nothing of its outward appearance. My point is that I am OLD. I and all of my generation. The colonoscopy waiting room is like The Breakfast Club with wrinkles and NO breakfast or food of any kind. But I’m betting most of them have their sh*t together, or at least removed from their colons. </p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link is-viewable-img image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5997dddc-5597-4c64-8b3d-d4e5213594af_1908x1146.jpeg" rel="" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); cursor: zoom-in; display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5997dddc-5597-4c64-8b3d-d4e5213594af_1908x1146.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5997dddc-5597-4c64-8b3d-d4e5213594af_1908x1146.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5997dddc-5597-4c64-8b3d-d4e5213594af_1908x1146.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5997dddc-5597-4c64-8b3d-d4e5213594af_1908x1146.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="Where are the cast of The Breakfast Club now? | Daily Mail Online" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/5997dddc-5597-4c64-8b3d-d4e5213594af_1908x1146.jpeg","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":875,"width":1456,"resizeWidth":454,"bytes":null,"alt":"Where are the cast of The Breakfast Club now? | Daily Mail Online","title":null,"type":null,"href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="272.83653846153845" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5997dddc-5597-4c64-8b3d-d4e5213594af_1908x1146.jpeg" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5997dddc-5597-4c64-8b3d-d4e5213594af_1908x1146.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5997dddc-5597-4c64-8b3d-d4e5213594af_1908x1146.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5997dddc-5597-4c64-8b3d-d4e5213594af_1908x1146.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F5997dddc-5597-4c64-8b3d-d4e5213594af_1908x1146.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" title="Where are the cast of The Breakfast Club now? | Daily Mail Online" width="454" /></picture><div class="image-link-expand" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border-radius: 6px; cursor: pointer; display: flex; height: var(--size-32); justify-content: center; opacity: 0; position: absolute; right: var(--size-12); top: var(--size-12); transition: all var(--animation-timing-fast) var(--animation-smoothing); width: var(--size-32);"><svg class="lucide lucide-maximize2" fill="none" height="16" stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" stroke-width="2" stroke="#FFFFFF" viewbox="0 0 24 24" width="16" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><polyline points="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyline><polyline points="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyline><line x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></line><line x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></line></svg></div></div></a><figcaption class="image-caption" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; color: var(--print_secondary, var(--print_secondary_on_web_bg_color, var(--print_secondary, var(--color-secondary)))); font-size: calc(var(--font-size-14) + var(--font_size_body_offset, 0px)); letter-spacing: var(--letter-spacing-14); line-height: var(--line-height-20); margin-top: var(--size-8); padding-left: 109.1875px; padding-right: 109.1875px; text-align: center; width: 509.59375px;">The top row is the colonoscopy waiting room. </figcaption></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">I’m betting most of them can handle a small rescue dog and some of them even run entire corporations. Of people that is. Although some of these smug clean-asses could run a corporation of rescue dogs, I am convinced of that. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">I will say this of myself, that after almost 49 years, I am very, very good at managing myself. I am also very, very good at relationships with other people who generally manage themselves. I am also pretty good at providing some nicely arranged words to inspire others to manage themselves, if they are so motivated. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">But if y’all don’t want to handle your sh*t, then there is no pretty much no prep that I can offer that will clean that out. Not if you are a kid, not if you are a messed up adult, not if you are a rescue dog. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">And that is what I have learned about myself so far. I am a very bad pack leader. With a large colon. It’s doubtful at this point I will ever be a good one. I am more likely to have a clean colon at 3 pm this afternoon. </p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link is-viewable-img image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2a88b7c7-27dd-4a38-bea7-b7fb0a30732a_430x242.jpeg" rel="" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; 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--tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2a88b7c7-27dd-4a38-bea7-b7fb0a30732a_430x242.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2a88b7c7-27dd-4a38-bea7-b7fb0a30732a_430x242.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2a88b7c7-27dd-4a38-bea7-b7fb0a30732a_430x242.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2a88b7c7-27dd-4a38-bea7-b7fb0a30732a_430x242.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="Shyeah Right - DizRuns.com" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/2a88b7c7-27dd-4a38-bea7-b7fb0a30732a_430x242.jpeg","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":242,"width":430,"resizeWidth":null,"bytes":null,"alt":"Shyeah Right - DizRuns.com","title":null,"type":null,"href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="242" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2a88b7c7-27dd-4a38-bea7-b7fb0a30732a_430x242.jpeg" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2a88b7c7-27dd-4a38-bea7-b7fb0a30732a_430x242.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2a88b7c7-27dd-4a38-bea7-b7fb0a30732a_430x242.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2a88b7c7-27dd-4a38-bea7-b7fb0a30732a_430x242.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2a88b7c7-27dd-4a38-bea7-b7fb0a30732a_430x242.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" title="Shyeah Right - DizRuns.com" width="430" /></picture><div class="image-link-expand" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border-radius: 6px; cursor: pointer; display: flex; height: var(--size-32); justify-content: center; opacity: 0; position: absolute; right: var(--size-12); top: var(--size-12); transition: all var(--animation-timing-fast) var(--animation-smoothing); width: var(--size-32);"><svg class="lucide lucide-maximize2" fill="none" height="16" stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" stroke-width="2" stroke="#FFFFFF" viewbox="0 0 24 24" width="16" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><polyline points="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyline><polyline points="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyline><line x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></line><line x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></line></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">And it’s not because I am too nice. I am plenty mean, trust me about this. But I am also lazy. Particularly involving non-imaginative tasks. If it’s repetitive, systematic, requires more organization than creativity—that is not a thing I’m going to want to do. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><span style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;">I will want to make a </span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChiPC_PypLg9R1tT2HUvlgg" rel="" style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary));">parody video</a><span style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"> about how badly I don’t want to do it, however. That I will do. </span></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><span style="--tw-border-spacing-x: 0; --tw-border-spacing-y: 0; --tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><br /></span></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><span style="background-color: white;">I don’t have any happy or inspirational ending here. Just a large colon.</span></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><img alt="" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/26cf277d-a356-470c-a900-dea17ce82bad_218x218.gif","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":218,"width":218,"resizeWidth":null,"bytes":749267,"alt":null,"title":null,"type":"image/gif","href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="320" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F26cf277d-a356-470c-a900-dea17ce82bad_218x218.gif" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F26cf277d-a356-470c-a900-dea17ce82bad_218x218.gif 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F26cf277d-a356-470c-a900-dea17ce82bad_218x218.gif 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F26cf277d-a356-470c-a900-dea17ce82bad_218x218.gif 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F26cf277d-a356-470c-a900-dea17ce82bad_218x218.gif 1456w" style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;" width="320" /></p>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-65352159701499114792023-08-30T22:10:00.003-04:002023-08-30T22:10:48.723-04:00How to Pack for Europe<p> <span style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px;">I travel quite a lot, but I’ve yet to master packing. I don’t know what it is about packing for a trip that is so damn angsty. Probably because it involves making a million different decisions that anticipate the future. I keep an entire house of things on hand so I don’t have to do that.</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px;"> </span></p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link is-viewable-img image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F652c411e-c162-4a0a-9d86-aa84060670cc_1200x800.jpeg" rel="" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); cursor: zoom-in; display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F652c411e-c162-4a0a-9d86-aa84060670cc_1200x800.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F652c411e-c162-4a0a-9d86-aa84060670cc_1200x800.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F652c411e-c162-4a0a-9d86-aa84060670cc_1200x800.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F652c411e-c162-4a0a-9d86-aa84060670cc_1200x800.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="Trash Memes - 25 Funny Images About Hoarding Junk And Stuff" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/652c411e-c162-4a0a-9d86-aa84060670cc_1200x800.jpeg","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":800,"width":1200,"resizeWidth":454,"bytes":null,"alt":"Trash Memes - 25 Funny Images About Hoarding Junk And Stuff","title":null,"type":null,"href":null,"belowTheFold":false,"topImage":true,"internalRedirect":null}" fetchpriority="high" height="302.6666666666667" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F652c411e-c162-4a0a-9d86-aa84060670cc_1200x800.jpeg" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F652c411e-c162-4a0a-9d86-aa84060670cc_1200x800.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F652c411e-c162-4a0a-9d86-aa84060670cc_1200x800.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F652c411e-c162-4a0a-9d86-aa84060670cc_1200x800.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F652c411e-c162-4a0a-9d86-aa84060670cc_1200x800.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" title="Trash Memes - 25 Funny Images About Hoarding Junk And Stuff" width="454" /></picture><div class="image-link-expand" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border-radius: 6px; cursor: pointer; display: flex; height: var(--size-32); justify-content: center; opacity: 0; position: absolute; right: var(--size-12); top: var(--size-12); transition: all var(--animation-timing-fast) var(--animation-smoothing); width: var(--size-32);"><svg class="lucide lucide-maximize2" fill="none" height="16" stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" stroke-width="2" stroke="#FFFFFF" viewbox="0 0 24 24" width="16" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><polyline points="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyline><polyline points="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyline><line x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></line><line x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></line></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">The developing world vs. the developed world presents different challenges. If you are going to South Sudan, your main goal is to include items that will prevent you from getting malaria or a fungal infection. In Europe, you want to look good. Stylish. Thin. You know, like a European. </p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link is-viewable-img image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F44000d4b-4c63-49e4-9c3c-c27598937154_375x375.jpeg" rel="" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); cursor: zoom-in; display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F44000d4b-4c63-49e4-9c3c-c27598937154_375x375.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F44000d4b-4c63-49e4-9c3c-c27598937154_375x375.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F44000d4b-4c63-49e4-9c3c-c27598937154_375x375.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F44000d4b-4c63-49e4-9c3c-c27598937154_375x375.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="seinfeld | IT'S NOT A PURSE; IT'S A EUROPEAN CARRY ALL | image tagged in seinfeld | made w/ Imgflip meme maker" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/44000d4b-4c63-49e4-9c3c-c27598937154_375x375.jpeg","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":375,"width":375,"resizeWidth":null,"bytes":null,"alt":"seinfeld | IT'S NOT A PURSE; IT'S A EUROPEAN CARRY ALL | image tagged in seinfeld | made w/ Imgflip meme maker","title":null,"type":null,"href":null,"belowTheFold":false,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="375" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F44000d4b-4c63-49e4-9c3c-c27598937154_375x375.jpeg" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F44000d4b-4c63-49e4-9c3c-c27598937154_375x375.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F44000d4b-4c63-49e4-9c3c-c27598937154_375x375.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F44000d4b-4c63-49e4-9c3c-c27598937154_375x375.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F44000d4b-4c63-49e4-9c3c-c27598937154_375x375.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" title="seinfeld | IT'S NOT A PURSE; IT'S A EUROPEAN CARRY ALL | image tagged in seinfeld | made w/ Imgflip meme maker" width="375" /></picture><div class="image-link-expand" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border-radius: 6px; cursor: pointer; display: flex; height: var(--size-32); justify-content: center; opacity: 0; position: absolute; right: var(--size-12); top: var(--size-12); transition: all var(--animation-timing-fast) var(--animation-smoothing); width: var(--size-32);"><svg class="lucide lucide-maximize2" fill="none" height="16" stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" stroke-width="2" stroke="#FFFFFF" viewbox="0 0 24 24" width="16" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><polyline points="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyline><polyline points="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyline><line x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></line><line x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></line></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">I am leaving on Friday for Austria, where I will be joining my husband on a work-turned-child-free-vacation. Which means I am currently in a pre-trip panic about what I need to bring and what new things I need to buy. I suddenly own NOTHING APPROPRIATE. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Live look at my inner monologue:</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Do I need a unisex backpack generator in Austria? I'm thinking not but Amazon suggested it. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">OMG but would that ever be just the thing for my next trip to Juba. Mental note. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">I mean, more iPhone cords is a no duh. Always. click. </p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff1c06acf-04cd-442f-a9e2-03fe74c8d89b_560x420.jpeg" rel="" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff1c06acf-04cd-442f-a9e2-03fe74c8d89b_560x420.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff1c06acf-04cd-442f-a9e2-03fe74c8d89b_560x420.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff1c06acf-04cd-442f-a9e2-03fe74c8d89b_560x420.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff1c06acf-04cd-442f-a9e2-03fe74c8d89b_560x420.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="cable management Meme Generator - Imgflip" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/f1c06acf-04cd-442f-a9e2-03fe74c8d89b_560x420.jpeg","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":420,"width":560,"resizeWidth":316,"bytes":null,"alt":"cable management Meme Generator - Imgflip","title":null,"type":null,"href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="237" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff1c06acf-04cd-442f-a9e2-03fe74c8d89b_560x420.jpeg" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff1c06acf-04cd-442f-a9e2-03fe74c8d89b_560x420.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff1c06acf-04cd-442f-a9e2-03fe74c8d89b_560x420.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff1c06acf-04cd-442f-a9e2-03fe74c8d89b_560x420.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff1c06acf-04cd-442f-a9e2-03fe74c8d89b_560x420.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" title="cable management Meme Generator - Imgflip" width="316" /></picture><div style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">I've decided I own no appropriate socks. Europeans wear good socks. I don't want to stand out.</p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link is-viewable-img image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F48063203-f584-4375-adda-a2329adb1607_500x325.jpeg" rel="" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); cursor: zoom-in; display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F48063203-f584-4375-adda-a2329adb1607_500x325.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F48063203-f584-4375-adda-a2329adb1607_500x325.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F48063203-f584-4375-adda-a2329adb1607_500x325.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F48063203-f584-4375-adda-a2329adb1607_500x325.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="Memes - why we love them! – Sock Bar" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/48063203-f584-4375-adda-a2329adb1607_500x325.jpeg","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":325,"width":500,"resizeWidth":390,"bytes":null,"alt":"Memes - why we love them! – Sock Bar","title":null,"type":null,"href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="253.5" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F48063203-f584-4375-adda-a2329adb1607_500x325.jpeg" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F48063203-f584-4375-adda-a2329adb1607_500x325.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F48063203-f584-4375-adda-a2329adb1607_500x325.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F48063203-f584-4375-adda-a2329adb1607_500x325.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F48063203-f584-4375-adda-a2329adb1607_500x325.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" title="Memes - why we love them! – Sock Bar" width="390" /></picture><div class="image-link-expand" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border-radius: 6px; cursor: pointer; display: flex; height: var(--size-32); justify-content: center; opacity: 0; position: absolute; right: var(--size-12); top: var(--size-12); transition: all var(--animation-timing-fast) var(--animation-smoothing); width: var(--size-32);"><svg class="lucide lucide-maximize2" fill="none" height="16" stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" stroke-width="2" stroke="#FFFFFF" viewbox="0 0 24 24" width="16" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><polyline points="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyline><polyline points="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyline><line x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></line><line x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></line></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">I suddenly don't know how to dress myself. Like, what do I even wear on a daily basis in normal life. I mean, whatever that is, it won’t be appropriate for a European capital, obviously. But at the moment, I don’t even know what I wear to America. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Googling What do I wear in Vienna. Do people wear normal clothes or like a special Austrian suit. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Does my husband need a speedo. He's already there and hasn't mentioned it but you never know. </p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link is-viewable-img image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F361bc823-c0f5-4b64-880a-fdc2670bbd84_1600x900.jpeg" rel="" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); cursor: zoom-in; display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F361bc823-c0f5-4b64-880a-fdc2670bbd84_1600x900.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F361bc823-c0f5-4b64-880a-fdc2670bbd84_1600x900.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F361bc823-c0f5-4b64-880a-fdc2670bbd84_1600x900.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F361bc823-c0f5-4b64-880a-fdc2670bbd84_1600x900.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="Are Speedos for Men Ever Okay to Wear? - How to Wear a Banana Hammock" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/361bc823-c0f5-4b64-880a-fdc2670bbd84_1600x900.jpeg","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":819,"width":1456,"resizeWidth":498,"bytes":null,"alt":"Are Speedos for Men Ever Okay to Wear? - How to Wear a Banana Hammock","title":null,"type":null,"href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="280.125" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F361bc823-c0f5-4b64-880a-fdc2670bbd84_1600x900.jpeg" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F361bc823-c0f5-4b64-880a-fdc2670bbd84_1600x900.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F361bc823-c0f5-4b64-880a-fdc2670bbd84_1600x900.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F361bc823-c0f5-4b64-880a-fdc2670bbd84_1600x900.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F361bc823-c0f5-4b64-880a-fdc2670bbd84_1600x900.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" title="Are Speedos for Men Ever Okay to Wear? - How to Wear a Banana Hammock" width="498" /></picture><div class="image-link-expand" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border-radius: 6px; cursor: pointer; display: flex; height: var(--size-32); justify-content: center; opacity: 0; position: absolute; right: var(--size-12); top: var(--size-12); transition: all var(--animation-timing-fast) var(--animation-smoothing); width: var(--size-32);"><svg class="lucide lucide-maximize2" fill="none" height="16" stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" stroke-width="2" stroke="#FFFFFF" viewbox="0 0 24 24" width="16" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><polyline points="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyline><polyline points="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyline><line x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></line><line x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></line></svg></div></div></a><figcaption class="image-caption" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; color: var(--print_secondary, var(--print_secondary_on_web_bg_color, var(--print_secondary, var(--color-secondary)))); font-size: calc(var(--font-size-14) + var(--font_size_body_offset, 0px)); letter-spacing: var(--letter-spacing-14); line-height: var(--line-height-20); margin-top: var(--size-8); padding-left: 109.1875px; padding-right: 109.1875px; text-align: center; width: 509.59375px;">An American flag speedo is just a pointless giveaway though. </figcaption></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">I'm thinking lederhosen is a bridge too far. I don’t think ethnic Germans actually wear that except in Ricola ads. </p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F674de039-cc50-4d6c-a619-7f883d1d2600_480x480.gif" rel="" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F674de039-cc50-4d6c-a619-7f883d1d2600_480x480.gif 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F674de039-cc50-4d6c-a619-7f883d1d2600_480x480.gif 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F674de039-cc50-4d6c-a619-7f883d1d2600_480x480.gif 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F674de039-cc50-4d6c-a619-7f883d1d2600_480x480.gif 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/674de039-cc50-4d6c-a619-7f883d1d2600_480x480.gif","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":480,"width":480,"resizeWidth":190,"bytes":5566704,"alt":null,"title":null,"type":"image/gif","href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="190" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F674de039-cc50-4d6c-a619-7f883d1d2600_480x480.gif" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F674de039-cc50-4d6c-a619-7f883d1d2600_480x480.gif 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F674de039-cc50-4d6c-a619-7f883d1d2600_480x480.gif 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F674de039-cc50-4d6c-a619-7f883d1d2600_480x480.gif 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F674de039-cc50-4d6c-a619-7f883d1d2600_480x480.gif 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" width="190" /></picture><div style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Googling How not to look American in Europe 2023. OMG I need a hat. Also clogs. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">DEAR GOD I THINK MY HUSBAND PACKED CARGO SHORTS. I MUST WAKE HIM IN THE NIGHT TO WARN HIM. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Also how do I lose 20 lbs by Friday. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">And of course LAYERS. everything from Alpine blizzard to climate-change-inspired heat wave. </p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link is-viewable-img image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe9b3fd48-88d7-4e88-b655-9080025760e0_800x600.jpeg" rel="" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); cursor: zoom-in; display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe9b3fd48-88d7-4e88-b655-9080025760e0_800x600.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe9b3fd48-88d7-4e88-b655-9080025760e0_800x600.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe9b3fd48-88d7-4e88-b655-9080025760e0_800x600.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe9b3fd48-88d7-4e88-b655-9080025760e0_800x600.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="ftm] when you wear a lot of layers to try to cover up your feminine body : r/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/e9b3fd48-88d7-4e88-b655-9080025760e0_800x600.jpeg","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":600,"width":800,"resizeWidth":370,"bytes":null,"alt":"ftm] when you wear a lot of layers to try to cover up your feminine body : r/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns","title":null,"type":null,"href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="277.5" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe9b3fd48-88d7-4e88-b655-9080025760e0_800x600.jpeg" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe9b3fd48-88d7-4e88-b655-9080025760e0_800x600.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe9b3fd48-88d7-4e88-b655-9080025760e0_800x600.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe9b3fd48-88d7-4e88-b655-9080025760e0_800x600.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe9b3fd48-88d7-4e88-b655-9080025760e0_800x600.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" title="ftm] when you wear a lot of layers to try to cover up your feminine body : r/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns" width="370" /></picture><div class="image-link-expand" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border-radius: 6px; cursor: pointer; display: flex; height: var(--size-32); justify-content: center; opacity: 0; position: absolute; right: var(--size-12); top: var(--size-12); transition: all var(--animation-timing-fast) var(--animation-smoothing); width: var(--size-32);"><svg class="lucide lucide-maximize2" fill="none" height="16" stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" stroke-width="2" stroke="#FFFFFF" viewbox="0 0 24 24" width="16" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><polyline points="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyline><polyline points="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyline><line x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></line><line x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></line></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">I'm going to REI today and just tell them I need enough to survive for a week on the side of a mountain in case we get lost on our day hike. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">btw travel advice for looking less American overseas basically boils down to STFU and eat less</p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4ea9dd83-c5f2-410b-8640-f2eafee7c1b2_480x269.gif" rel="" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4ea9dd83-c5f2-410b-8640-f2eafee7c1b2_480x269.gif 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4ea9dd83-c5f2-410b-8640-f2eafee7c1b2_480x269.gif 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4ea9dd83-c5f2-410b-8640-f2eafee7c1b2_480x269.gif 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4ea9dd83-c5f2-410b-8640-f2eafee7c1b2_480x269.gif 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/4ea9dd83-c5f2-410b-8640-f2eafee7c1b2_480x269.gif","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":269,"width":480,"resizeWidth":330,"bytes":908679,"alt":null,"title":null,"type":"image/gif","href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="184.9375" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4ea9dd83-c5f2-410b-8640-f2eafee7c1b2_480x269.gif" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4ea9dd83-c5f2-410b-8640-f2eafee7c1b2_480x269.gif 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4ea9dd83-c5f2-410b-8640-f2eafee7c1b2_480x269.gif 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4ea9dd83-c5f2-410b-8640-f2eafee7c1b2_480x269.gif 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4ea9dd83-c5f2-410b-8640-f2eafee7c1b2_480x269.gif 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" width="330" /></picture><div style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">"You should not dress as if you’re off to the Oscar’s nor should you look tousled or disheveled, as if you just got out of bed." But what if those are my only 2 looks </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">“The best thing a traveler can do is go to a local clothing store and buy a couple of outfits — then no one will ever mistake you for a tourist,” says travel expert Johnny Jet. I CAN DO THIS JOHNNY JET. YES.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">"Whether it's wearing ball caps, sports team shirts, white tennis shoes, well-worn Levi’s, polos, American logos, or backpacks filled with all your important papers and jewelry, these are fashions you may what to change while abroad." WHO DOESN'T WEAR ALL THEIR IMPORTANT PAPERS THO </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">dear GOD I NEED A EUROPEAN SCARF like one that doesn't keep you warm. Also Google How do I tie a European scarf </p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link is-viewable-img image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F37809f4e-b164-42b4-a921-3ad8069f1b75_600x450.jpeg" rel="" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); cursor: zoom-in; display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F37809f4e-b164-42b4-a921-3ad8069f1b75_600x450.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F37809f4e-b164-42b4-a921-3ad8069f1b75_600x450.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F37809f4e-b164-42b4-a921-3ad8069f1b75_600x450.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F37809f4e-b164-42b4-a921-3ad8069f1b75_600x450.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="How to Rock The Chic European Scarf Style - Wendy Perez Glam" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/37809f4e-b164-42b4-a921-3ad8069f1b75_600x450.jpeg","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":450,"width":600,"resizeWidth":398,"bytes":null,"alt":"How to Rock The Chic European Scarf Style - Wendy Perez Glam","title":null,"type":null,"href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="298.5" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F37809f4e-b164-42b4-a921-3ad8069f1b75_600x450.jpeg" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F37809f4e-b164-42b4-a921-3ad8069f1b75_600x450.jpeg 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F37809f4e-b164-42b4-a921-3ad8069f1b75_600x450.jpeg 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F37809f4e-b164-42b4-a921-3ad8069f1b75_600x450.jpeg 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F37809f4e-b164-42b4-a921-3ad8069f1b75_600x450.jpeg 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" title="How to Rock The Chic European Scarf Style - Wendy Perez Glam" width="398" /></picture><div class="image-link-expand" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border-radius: 6px; cursor: pointer; display: flex; height: var(--size-32); justify-content: center; opacity: 0; position: absolute; right: var(--size-12); top: var(--size-12); transition: all var(--animation-timing-fast) var(--animation-smoothing); width: var(--size-32);"><svg class="lucide lucide-maximize2" fill="none" height="16" stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" stroke-width="2" stroke="#FFFFFF" viewbox="0 0 24 24" width="16" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><polyline points="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyline><polyline points="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyline><line x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></line><line x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></line></svg></div></div></a><figcaption class="image-caption" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; color: var(--print_secondary, var(--print_secondary_on_web_bg_color, var(--print_secondary, var(--color-secondary)))); font-size: calc(var(--font-size-14) + var(--font_size_body_offset, 0px)); letter-spacing: var(--letter-spacing-14); line-height: var(--line-height-20); margin-top: var(--size-8); padding-left: 109.1875px; padding-right: 109.1875px; text-align: center; width: 509.59375px;">I must look like this. Tell me how to look like this. </figcaption></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">OMG MY HUSBAND IS ALREADY THERE WITH ATHLEISURE IN HIS BAG. We are going to be stoned in the street.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">I don't know guys, maybe I should cancel the trip. I own too many American clothings. I don't think it's safe. </p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><figure style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7903e841-e959-47a2-abd3-1aa8c6bd4c33_480x269.gif" rel="" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><source sizes="100vw" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7903e841-e959-47a2-abd3-1aa8c6bd4c33_480x269.gif 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7903e841-e959-47a2-abd3-1aa8c6bd4c33_480x269.gif 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7903e841-e959-47a2-abd3-1aa8c6bd4c33_480x269.gif 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7903e841-e959-47a2-abd3-1aa8c6bd4c33_480x269.gif 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;" type="image/webp"></source><img alt="" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/7903e841-e959-47a2-abd3-1aa8c6bd4c33_480x269.gif","srcNoWatermark":null,"fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":269,"width":480,"resizeWidth":362,"bytes":2892825,"alt":null,"title":null,"type":"image/gif","href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="202.87083333333334" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7903e841-e959-47a2-abd3-1aa8c6bd4c33_480x269.gif" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7903e841-e959-47a2-abd3-1aa8c6bd4c33_480x269.gif 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7903e841-e959-47a2-abd3-1aa8c6bd4c33_480x269.gif 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7903e841-e959-47a2-abd3-1aa8c6bd4c33_480x269.gif 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7903e841-e959-47a2-abd3-1aa8c6bd4c33_480x269.gif 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" width="362" /></picture></div></a></figure></div>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-80534149230848026082023-07-14T18:12:00.006-04:002023-07-14T18:12:52.813-04:00We got a crap car <p> <span style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px;">My husband is a lovely man. A funny man. A hot man (in my opinion). A wicked smart man. </span></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">He is also an economist. Like a real one, with a PhD and everything. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Usually this is an advantage. I don’t like money, I don’t like to think about money, and with him around, there’s really no need. He does all that stuff, and also kids’ math homework which is really really nice, and I’m free to make parody videos that enrich everyone’s lives. I’ll pass on your appreciation. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">But sometimes it really sucks that he knows things. Because he’s right and I am ill-equipped to argue with him, but he’s also making me drive around in a car held together by duct tape. Make that TWO cars, both of which are held together by duct tape. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">On the general topic of cars, he and I agree. Cars are a massive, annoyingly necessary waste of cash. There’s really nothing to compare them to. Everything else that costs that much is either a lot more fun (vacations, children if you like them), appreciates in value (houses, children who end up with jobs and enduring love for their parents, however rare that is), or isn’t really necessary at all (cosmetic surgery, children if you don’t like them). </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Neither of us wants a fancy car. We agree on that. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">But I just want a car that isn’t held together by duct tape. That’s all I want. I don’t think this makes me a diva or anything. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">It’s been a “terrible time to buy a car” for at least three years now. I think it might have been “less than optimal” before the pandemic. But the pandemic wrecked everything. For awhile there, you might have been able to trade your used car for like a major organ or a gold mine or maybe some children (assuming it wasn’t held together by duct tape and the children were potty trained). Or actually just a buttload of cash, that makes more sense, I’m not sure why I’m trying to be imaginative here. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">Then there was regular inflation on top of special-supply-chain-shortage inflation. Or something. My husband said it wasn’t smart to buy a car. I pointed out that eggs also were very expensive, and yet we were still buying those. He pointed out that eggs were still cheaper than cars. Then he said he didn’t even like eggs and that kind of stupidity was on me. I said, well, I guess you won’t be getting any homemade cookies then. Then he asked me when the last time I made any homemade cookies.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link is-viewable-img image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Faf99b32d-c8c0-4cae-a075-35bc6b3f4e76_480x400.gif" rel="" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); cursor: zoom-in; display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><img alt="" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/af99b32d-c8c0-4cae-a075-35bc6b3f4e76_480x400.gif","fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":400,"width":480,"resizeWidth":null,"bytes":1314541,"alt":null,"title":null,"type":"image/gif","href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="400" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Faf99b32d-c8c0-4cae-a075-35bc6b3f4e76_480x400.gif" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Faf99b32d-c8c0-4cae-a075-35bc6b3f4e76_480x400.gif 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Faf99b32d-c8c0-4cae-a075-35bc6b3f4e76_480x400.gif 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Faf99b32d-c8c0-4cae-a075-35bc6b3f4e76_480x400.gif 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Faf99b32d-c8c0-4cae-a075-35bc6b3f4e76_480x400.gif 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" width="480" /></picture><div class="image-link-expand" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border-radius: 6px; cursor: pointer; display: flex; height: var(--size-32); justify-content: center; opacity: 0; position: absolute; right: var(--size-12); top: var(--size-12); transition: all var(--animation-timing-fast) var(--animation-smoothing); width: var(--size-32);"><svg class="lucide lucide-maximize2" fill="none" height="16" stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" stroke-width="2" stroke="#FFFFFF" viewbox="0 0 24 24" width="16" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><polyline points="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyline><polyline points="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyline><line x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></line><line x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></line></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">You can see what I’m up against here. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">I used to make fun of those car commercials at Christmas time where someone rides in with a Lexus topped with a massive red bow like some kind of rich-asshole-hero and the other person is all surprised and excited. As if anyone actually does that. As if any normal human who bought a Lexus without discussing it with their partner would even live to see the New Year. This is what I thought. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(64, 64, 64); color: #404040; font-family: Spectral, serif, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;">The last few years, I ran out into the driveway in my jammies hoping for a Christmas miracle like a damn fool.</p><div class="captioned-image-container" style="margin: var(--size-32) auto;"><figure style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; margin: 0px auto; width: 728px;"><a class="image-link is-viewable-img image2" data-component-name="Image2ToDOM" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff39f2bb2-e8cd-486a-8370-63de8ba40b27_298x480.gif" rel="" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border: 0px; color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); cursor: zoom-in; display: flex; flex-direction: column; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-decoration: none; width: auto;" target="_blank"><div class="image2-inset" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: flex; position: relative;"><picture style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0;"><img alt="" class="sizing-normal" data-attrs="{"src":"https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/f39f2bb2-e8cd-486a-8370-63de8ba40b27_298x480.gif","fullscreen":null,"imageSize":null,"height":480,"width":298,"resizeWidth":null,"bytes":5310585,"alt":null,"title":null,"type":"image/gif","href":null,"belowTheFold":true,"topImage":false,"internalRedirect":null}" height="515.4362416107383" loading="lazy" sizes="100vw" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff39f2bb2-e8cd-486a-8370-63de8ba40b27_298x480.gif" srcset="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff39f2bb2-e8cd-486a-8370-63de8ba40b27_298x480.gif 424w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff39f2bb2-e8cd-486a-8370-63de8ba40b27_298x480.gif 848w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff39f2bb2-e8cd-486a-8370-63de8ba40b27_298x480.gif 1272w, https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_lossy/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff39f2bb2-e8cd-486a-8370-63de8ba40b27_298x480.gif 1456w" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; display: block; height: auto; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" width="320" /></picture><div class="image-link-expand" style="--tw-ring-color: rgb(59 130 246 / 0.5); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-rotate: 0; --tw-scale-x: 1; --tw-scale-y: 1; --tw-scroll-snap-strictness: proximity; --tw-shadow-colored: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-skew-x: 0; --tw-skew-y: 0; --tw-translate-x: 0; --tw-translate-y: 0; align-items: center; border-radius: 6px; cursor: pointer; display: flex; height: var(--size-32); justify-content: center; opacity: 0; position: absolute; right: var(--size-12); top: var(--size-12); transition: all var(--animation-timing-fast) var(--animation-smoothing); width: var(--size-32);"><svg class="lucide lucide-maximize2" fill="none" height="16" stroke-linecap="round" stroke-linejoin="round" stroke-width="2" stroke="#FFFFFF" viewbox="0 0 24 24" width="16" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg"><polyline points="15 3 21 3 21 9"></polyline><polyline points="9 21 3 21 3 15"></polyline><line x1="21" x2="14" y1="3" y2="10"></line><line x1="3" x2="10" y1="21" y2="14"></line></svg></div></div></a></figure></div><p style="color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I guess I’ve been a very bad girl. Which I thought Santa liked. Apparently, not enough to get a car. </span></p><p style="color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p style="color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Anyway, I made a parody video, you’re welcome. </span></p><p style="color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Pj8z2a993ks" width="320" youtube-src-id="Pj8z2a993ks"></iframe></div><br /><p style="color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><p style="color: var(--print_on_web_bg_color, var(--color-primary)); line-height: 1.6em; margin: 0 0 var(--size-20) 0;"><br /></p><div class="youtube-wrap" data-attrs="{"videoId":"Pj8z2a993ks","startTime":null,"endTime":null}" data-component-name="Youtube2ToDOM" id="youtube2-Pj8z2a993ks" style="position: relative;"></div><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-80110256183826464052023-03-20T22:30:00.000-04:002023-03-20T22:30:32.381-04:00Parenting is a relay raceLet me start with a disclaimer--If you are a single parent--especially if your child's other parent is not in the picture at all, especially if you have no other family or community to help you out--this post is gonna sound utopian to you. So I just want to say--I see you, I honor you, I don't know how you are doing this, but I know I would be doing it worse. <div><br /></div><div>And secondly, this is not my usual funny post, and it discusses suicide ideation at one point. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 988. <br /><div><br /></div><div>OK, now for the regularly scheduled post. </div><div><br /></div><div>The early years of my kids' lives are receding in my memory. If it weren't for Facebook reminding me of them, the adorable outfit they wore and hysterical things they said, I am not sure if I'd have much memory at all. </div><div><br /></div><div>What I do remember is that those years were hard. I can see glimpses of it in oblique references in those Facebook posts and between the laugh lines of this blog. Which I started fourteen years ago, when my oldest was one, and my youngest was yet to be. I started this blog out of desperation, really, as a way to find humor in a role in which I found myself and to which I felt very ill-suited. As a way to keep a grasp on my own hand. I didn't want to lose this part of myself. </div><div><br /></div><div>And out of crushing boredom. What I remember most about those years was on the one hand physical exhaustion and on the other mental tedium. I recall sitting on the floor trying to play something with my kids, dolls, dinosaurs, trains, like good moms are supposed to do, and feeling my brain rebel. THIS IS SO BORING, it would scream, GET ME OUT OF HERE. I AM DYING. It would scream so loud, it would kick my poor, tired body into gear, compelling us to go somewhere or do something. At that point, my body would rebel. I AM SO TIRED, it would scream, I JUST WANT TO LAY ON THE COUCH. Then my brain would chime back in, THIS ISN'T INTERESTING EITHER AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO MANAGE LOGISTICS. I DON'T DO LOGISTICS. OK, NOW I'M GOING TO MELT DOWN BECAUSE THERE IS TOO MUCH MULTITASKING GOING ON RIGHT NOW. GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK. </div><div><br /></div><div>We would try to hang out with other moms, because maybe then everyone would be happy. My kids would have playmates, my body could ideally lounge on a couch, my brain could talk to an adult. But the other moms seemed like another species to me, a species that truly enjoyed making homemade baby food and playing peek-a-boo and planning out their toddler's wardrobes. Their brains cooperated. Their bodies were tired, but their brains were brawny enough to drag them along. I felt more alone in a group of moms than I did, well, alone. </div><div><br /></div><div>My job was only part-refuge. On the one hand, I have never in my life enjoyed urinating so much. I would sit on the toilet, luxuriating in the silence, the closes door, without interruption. On the other hand, my performance was being evaluated, and both body and mind felt they were operating at half-speed. Then there was the stress of the millions of unanticipated sick days that are part and parcel of having kids in daycare. During the three months from the time my son started daycare until he got tubes in his ears, I worked one full week of work. ONE. And my weeks were already short because I was working part-time, in a vain attempt to keep myself sane.</div><div><br /></div><div>Every day was a marathon. I would get three people ready for work/daycare in the morning, first myself, quickly, before the children woke up. I would get myself all clean and presentable, then put my bathrobe over my clothes to try to spare them from the diaper-and-baby-food onslaught. I took it off as I went out the door, trying to corral two kids, bags, mine, theirs, car seat, coats, hats, shoes, keys. Nope, go back in, girl, you are barefoot, sister. Drive to daycare. Two kids, car seat, bags, out, in, coats, teachers, hi, bye, back in the car, drive, park, walk. Finally land at my desk, exhausted at 8 am. Sweating. Try to settle that b*tch Brain, who simply will never cooperate with anything, get her focused on the task at hand. Try to speak, or worse, write, intelligible English, what I longed to do when I was at home debating the finer points of Thomas the Train with my preschooler but what now seemed like a very, very far cry. I was playing with half a deck. Eight hours later--on the dot! if you are the daycare parent, you can't stay late, I don't care what isn't done--Do the whole thing backwards and in heels, Ginger Rogers style. Walking in the door once home is just the beginning. Play, dinner, brush teeth, read, sing bed (other foolish parents added a nightly bath to the routine, something I considered absolutely insane and also just completely unattainable for me. That's why God made baby wipes). </div><div><br /></div><div>Then I would have a few hours to myself, which I often stretched far too late into the night, as I both longed for sleep and did not want to give into the temptation, for then another day would dawn, and the whole relentless death march would start again. I began to feel hopeless, like this was my life from now on, forever, without end. I had lost myself, and I wouldn't find her again. She was gone, swallowed whole, being digested slowly, like being thrown in that pit-monster-alien-thing in Return of the Jedi. I remember laying in the bathtub one night, tears leaking out of my eyes, no energy to summon an actual sob, thinking I would like to let go, to sink down into the water and slip away. </div></div><div><br /></div><div>The good news is I got help after that. I went into therapy and got on medication. But my kids' "little years" continued to be so very difficult.</div><div><br /></div><div>During all of this, from my defeated, consumed optic in the fog of my daily life, my husband did not seem very present. As I experienced it at the time, which is no doubt not the whole truth, it felt like he had abandoned me, like I was running this whole race alone. If he had abandoned me, I could understand why--he was under terrible professional strain, he also had two small kids, and a spouse who was floundering. He was also overwhelmed. But he wasn't trapped. He could leave every day without two kids hanging on his body, and he could work as late as he wanted. He could work nights and weekends, and if he felt he needed a break during the day to just walk the block and decompress, or if he wanted to surf the internet instead, he could do that. He still owned himself. He did what I would have done, were I in his position. I seethed with resentment, and it was a difficult time in our marriage. </div><div><br /></div><div>But we made it through. We survived. We arrived at another stage. </div><div>We got to a point in our race where I could pass the baton. </div><div><br /></div><div>***</div><div><br /></div><div>It's an average night in our house. I am here in my special room, a room that used to be a full-time guest room, because we had not quite a full-time guest, but an extended and repeated part-time one, my mother-in-law, because we needed her. Desperately. These days, she comes on an occasional weekend to see a kid's play or something or just because she wants to. I got a Murphy bed, and most of the time, it is folded up to make room for my sewing, my art, my research and writing, my parody-video-making. In the last few years, I have been possessed by some kind of relentless, creative force. What she lacks in talent she makes up for with energy, joy, and absolute fearlessness. Who cares if that post/painting/video/dress isn't good? It was fun to make. It was fun to try. There is nothing to lose. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Kevin is in the other room, telling Lawson, now 12, to go to bed. Miraculously, Lawson walks upstairs on his own two feet and just...goes to bed, like a grown, actual person. He can even shower by himself and everything. It's amazing. But also, if he resists, Kevin is dealing with it. Kevin is also patiently and painstakingly explaining math that I don't even remember I ever took to him while he melts down. Kevin is reading the emails from the schools and looking on ParentVue, whatever the hell that is, at grades and putting parental controls on devices and figuring out what classes the kids should take next year and planning college and family vacations. Kevin also still has a demanding job, although he can now make out retirement in the distance. There's more of an ease about him now.</div><div><br /></div><div>And, as always, Charlotte, now 15, is basically 40 years old in spirit. She completely handles all of her own biz. She tells us when and where to pick her up, that's about it. Occasionally we have a heart-to-heart about something she is wrestling with. Or something I am wrestling with. I've got some wisdom borne of age, but she's got a much better natural head on her shoulders than I do. </div><div><br /></div><div>The truth is, I am pretty much checked out around here, beyond meeting some basic needs. I honestly don't know when and how we got here. I think COVID kind of pushed things over the edge. But I don't know. </div><div><br /></div><div>All I know is that I am living my very best life. </div><div><br /></div><div>It's not that I don't care anymore, I do, about them as people anyway, and if either kid really needed me, I would drop everything to be there for them. But they seem to be doing fine. They seem to be able to figure out and do and be quite a few things on their own. And I'm just kind of done. I'm tapped out, but it's more than that. I am hearing a voice in my heart that is telling me it's OK to start to let go. It's time. </div><div><br /></div><div>And then I'm seeing someone else around here who seems to care more and have something left in the tank. He seems to be hearing a voice telling him it's his time to engage more and do more and be more. And I'm like, THAT IS FANTASTIC NEWS, here's the baton. Run it to the tape. I'm not sure if I'm passing it to him or throwing it at him, but he's taking it and running. </div><div><br /></div><div>I feel guilty about it, a little, because, hello, I am a formerly evangelical woman. Guilt is my lifeblood. But then I remember sitting in that tub and wanting to die. </div><div><br /></div><div>So I've decided I'm just going to be grateful. Grateful to have come this far. Grateful my kids can wipe their own butts, among many other things. Grateful I've not only held on to myself, I've reinvented myself as someone even better. Grateful I am still a person of my own. </div><div><br /></div><div>And so very grateful for this true partner, this teammate, this anchor of mine. I'm so grateful he is still here. I am so grateful he loves our kids so much. I'm so grateful he has gifts that I don't. I'm so grateful he is letting me fully use mine now. I sense no resentment in him. He is cheering me on all the way, even as he pounds the road with this feet, his arms pumping, rounding the last tight corners of this route. </div><div><br /></div><div>I wish that poor mom could have seen just a few minutes of the future. She might have given both herself and her partner a little more grace and a lot more hope. </div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/KWRhuPxlTb5QZ7abdq/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e47hzxseh6g39dyj5z49pdbbjwvami4qr4tz1wj4m43&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="480" height="270" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/KWRhuPxlTb5QZ7abdq/giphy.gif?cid=ecf05e47hzxseh6g39dyj5z49pdbbjwvami4qr4tz1wj4m43&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g" width="480" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kevin bringing it home for us. </td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-88160983262191048982023-03-12T00:55:00.005-05:002023-03-12T23:01:41.437-04:00That time I nearly got my kids murdered by a biker gang<p> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://cf.bstatic.com/xdata/images/hotel/max1024x768/188643642.jpg?k=734a2068c487352903390399cd03391f24cc99aec718cb63d1da77c929419f76&o=&hp=1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="470" data-original-width="800" height="363" src="https://cf.bstatic.com/xdata/images/hotel/max1024x768/188643642.jpg?k=734a2068c487352903390399cd03391f24cc99aec718cb63d1da77c929419f76&o=&hp=1" width="618" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Do not stay at this motel. Do not. </td></tr></tbody></table><p><br /></p><p>"You won't be able to get a hotel room in Somerset this late," my friend Debby said. "Maybe you can find something close-ish." </p><p>"Really?" I said, incredulous. Debby, the mother of a Flight 93 victim, had invited us to the 20th anniversary ceremony at the memorial. The closest sizable town was Somerset, Pennsylvania.</p><p>"Yeah, it pretty much books up every year."</p><p>I was confused. I didn't think the friends and family of the victims could fill up all the hotel rooms in the vicinity. But what did I know. Flight 93 crashed into an open field miles from anywhere. I hung up the phone and immediately went online to find a room. </p><p>A quick Expedia search located a couple left. They all looked like your average motel rooms, with average reviews. Score! I thought. I booked one, some kind of Best Western chain thing, and texted Debby, "I got a room in Somerset!" She replied, "Wow! Very lucky!" </p><p>Exultant, I closed my laptop and moved on with my life. </p><p>A month or so later, it was time to head to Pennsylvania for the memorial. Debby had invited us repeatedly to come with her, but this would be our first time. I finally felt my kids were old enough to appreciate the experience, and more importantly, they were old enough to allow me to appreciate them being with me in public. I knew the ceremony would be unforgettable. And it was. </p><p>I didn't really count on the lodging to register in any of our memories. </p><p>We left after dinner, hoping to avoid traffic out of DC on a Friday. We accomplished that, at least. The drive was uneventful, other than the breathtaking beams of light reaching into the heavens from the memorial that were visible from the interstate. </p><p>We pulled up around 10 pm in front of a dodgy-looking building. There were millions of motorcycles parked and several of their presumed owners smoking outside. I had a bad feeling, but how bad could Somerset, Pennsylvania be? The motel looked not great, but again, how bad could it be? I was raised in Africa. It takes a lot to faze me. And I have what has at times proven to be misplaced trust in American culture and institutions to police things. If the FDA or BBB or police or Expedia.com lets something be, I figure it's fine. If nobody dies, or maybe if someone does die but it's like only one person, it's fine. </p><p>My husband--who takes the completely opposite strategy, diligently obeying every consumer recall and heeding the warnings of every journalistic expose--looked at me with concern. "Is this it? Are you sure?"</p><p>I tried to be blasé. I didn't want him to think I had screwed up. I mean, he's only known me for 20 years, certainly not enough time to discover I'm human. That time I accidentally booked a rental car in Canada instead of California was clearly Expedia.com's fault. </p><p>And this was about to be, too. </p><p>"Yes, it's fine.," I said impatiently, with condescension for how <i>American </i>he is, always expecting things to be clean and safe. As if. "I'll just go in and check in. You guys wait in the car."</p><p>The lobby looked shabby for sure and smelled a little off, but I didn't see any drug deals or hookers or dead bodies. The guy at the front desk seemed a little dazed and confused, like he had momentarily forgotten he was running a motel. Or maybe because I walked in instead of riding a motorcycle through the front door. </p><p>"Uh, Ok, um, yeah. Keys." </p><p>Fine, so he wasn't the most on-the-ball front desk dude. Sure, he may have been high. But high people can hand out keys. It was fine. </p><p>I returned to the car with the cool air of someone who had found everything exactly as expected. As if anyone who was feeling a little queasy about this place or otherwise had a problem was just a high-maintenance drama queen. Eye roll. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/3o7aD3bhPmnbo5fa36/giphy.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="299" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/3o7aD3bhPmnbo5fa36/giphy.gif" width="299" /></a></div><p>We drove the car back through the sea of bikers to park it. They looked at us with suspicion, like they could tell we had voted for Democrats and enjoyed freshly ground Himalayan sea salt on our sea bass. If we hadn't been driving a 10-year-old Mazda 5 with a duct-taped door handle and a massive dent in the side covered up with a homemade spray paint job, they would have no doubt strung us up on the foldable gallows they carried with them at all times in case they ran into Mike Pence. For once, I was thankful to be married to an economist who does not let us have nice or new cars because they are such a waste of money. </p><p>We made our way up the stairs (the elevator was of course broken, we were fools to even check), found the room, and slid the key in the door. </p><p>Thank God it was latched, because my kids are too young to watch porn. They are also too young to be cursed at by strangers, but you can't protect them from everything. "It's good for them to experience the real world," I assured my husband. </p><p>We returned to the front desk and informed them that there was a transaction of some kind going on in our room. By now, a woman who did not seem to be on any kind of drugs had joined Stoner Guy at the front desk. "I'm so sorry," she said, while shooting eye-daggers at Stoner Guy. She gave us another key to another room and assured us it did not currently have naked people in it. </p><p>Room number two was indeed empty of human beings, and with sheets on the bed. "See? This is fine," I said with determination, daring him to find fault, at which point I would unleash a condescending, cool-girl tirade about how Americans are all a bunch of princess sissies and an overflowing toilet never hurt anybody with any kind of a decent immune system. Subtext: I did not screw up here, so don't even think it. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/fLzEVGiF4wVKRxkTCj/giphy.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="480" height="246" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/fLzEVGiF4wVKRxkTCj/giphy.gif" width="246" /></a></div><p>By this time, the kids were tired and hungry so I sent Kevin to a nearby McDonalds while I settled us in. I started to find things were...not in good order. A huge part of the carpet was wet. The room definitely smelled like cigarettes. The smoke alarm had been disassembled and left on the desk. There were hairs. Nope, the other kind. </p><p>I knew the gig was up. I called Kevin. "OK, listen, I screwed up here. This motel room is not even worthy of many African capitals. This is like a Central African Republic motel room, except for no rebels. Scratch that, those bikers are probably in a militia. I think I saw some of them rioting in the Capitol," I said. </p><p>"OK, so what do we do though? Doubtful we can find another room with this biker convention in town, And for sure we can't get our money back," he said, like an economist of some kind.</p><p>At this point I dropped all pretenses. "Money? You're thinking about money at at time like this? When my baby blue state children are in a room surrounded by leather-clad Trump supporters and a drug-addled receptionist as the only authority on the premises? WITHOUT A SMOKE ALARM? What kind of parent are you?" </p><p>"Well I'm not the kind of parent that books a rancid motel room, or for that matter a car in the wrong country, but I'm not going to say that out loud for fear of being outed as a Harvard graduate in the parking lot." </p><p>While he made his way back from McDonalds, I went back on Expedia to do another search. There was ONE room in Somerset, PA, across the highway from this place. The star ratings were not great, but I figured what are the chances that two motels in the same vicinity were both fronts for militias/crime syndicates? We had to risk it. </p><p>Kevin got back, and we snuck out the back door of the hotel so as to avoid hurting Stoner Guy and his manager's feelings. Sorry, but I'm an empath. Sometimes ghosting is the most merciful thing to do. We made our way across the highway, to a stunned, but not stoned, receptionist who seemed impressed that we had arrived exactly 2 minutes after making a booking. </p><p>Everything there was normal. No biker gangs, no naked people in our room, no hairs. We went to sleep. </p><p>The next day, at the amazing ceremony to honor the courageous passengers of United Flight 93, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I did not deserve to be there, and if anyone's lives ever depended on me, they were 100% absolutely and completely screwed. </p>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-16610416508436759532022-02-13T13:34:00.003-05:002022-02-13T13:34:37.915-05:00What is An Emergency? By My Family<p> Our family matriarch is very strange. Before the pandemic, she used to hang out in the public spaces of our home, or in her bed, which everyone knows is essentially a public space and is shared with Dad officially. During the pandemic, the bed has become his office annex/breakroom/watercooler area where he comes to blow off steam from working in his dedicated/actual home office, which everyone knows not to disturb except when truly needed (or to get something off the printer, which admittedly is probably not an urgent matter), and to chat with his only co-worker these days, Mom. </p><p>Increasingly, as the pandemic has gone on, and as we are never absent from her life for even one hour, Mom goes in the guest room for long periods of time. And there's not even a guest in there to talk to! There's barely a comfortable place to sit. It's really weird. She sews and paints and writes and studies and sometimes when we go in there to inform her of an Emergency, she is just sitting there, doing nothing. It's almost like it's the only place in the whole house where she can be alone anymore. But that can't be right, because our house is a decent size, and the rest of us have like two whole rooms that are essentially ours. </p><p>At one point, she put a sign on the door that instructed us all to absolutely not disturb her while she is in that room except in cases of Emergency. We totally took this on board, and we absolutely do not disturb her except in cases of Emergency. </p><p>The question is--What is an Emergency? </p><p>We realize that folks may need some help understanding this layered, nuanced, multifaceted concept, so we have very helpfully come up with a list of Emergencies so that we all understand what we mean by this word/ideology. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/3orif7BQY0WvviRs9a/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="362" data-original-width="480" height="362" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/3orif7BQY0WvviRs9a/giphy.gif" width="480" /></a></div><br /><p>Here are some examples of an EMERGENCY:</p><p>-The ice cream is too hard to scoop.</p><p>-You don't know how much money is left in your allowance account and therefore you aren't sure if you can buy the latest Minecraft token or whatever.</p><p>-You can't find your shoes. Or any other item that you own and that you probably placed somewhere by your very self and/or could only be in a maximum of 3 places. </p><p>-You don't know what time dinner is, what food will be served, or if there is even a plan for dinner. </p><p>-You just saw an article on the internet about Cleveland Browns QB Baker Mayfield. </p><p>-You need a drink of water and aren't sure we still have indoor plumbing.</p><p>-You aren't sure if you really, really, really are expected to fill out the Valentines cards for all your classmates all by yourself.</p><p>-You need to double check that there will be no assistance coming for filling out the Valentines for the classmates. </p><p>-David Brooks has just posted a new op-ed on the New York Times.</p><p>-You aren't sure when Spring Break is.</p><p>-There is no toilet paper in the bathroom, and you can't imagine where else toilet paper might be stored.</p><p>-You aren't sure the matriarch has access to the internet. </p><p>-There are no more Cheeze-Its in the pantry.</p><p>-You are out of shampoo and you'll be taking a shower in 3 days. </p><p>-You aren't sure if there is another tub of ice cream in the garage freezer.</p><p>-You're bored.</p><p>-You're still bored. </p><p>-There are no books in the entire house to read. Books haven't even been invented yet. </p><p>-You have...other needs.</p><p>-YouTuber Dan TDM just posted a new video.</p><p>-You want your friend to come over for a playdate at this very second. </p><p>-You are out of underwear and have no idea how the washing machine works despite being shown repeatedly.</p><p>-You just realized you have not eaten breakfast or lunch and it is now almost dinner and you are very hungry and your hands don't work.</p><p>-You have found a lid to a container slightly askew and you can't pass up the teachable moment for the likely perpetrator. </p><p>-The inflation numbers are out, and it's not good.</p><p>-The COVID numbers are out, and it's not good. </p><p>-Something is out of batteries.</p><p>-You need to know if groceries are soon to be acquired and if so, you have some suggestions. </p><p>-You spilled something somewhere. </p><p>-You need a pen.</p><p>-You need a pencil.</p><p>-You need scissors. No, different scissors.</p><p>-You want to know if the sign on the door that instructs people not to enter except in case of Emergency is actually serious or not.</p><p>-You actually don't know what an Emergency is. </p><p>-You wonder what heaven is like and think you might want to go there soon. </p>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-2749968736039210562021-12-05T14:40:00.002-05:002021-12-05T14:40:34.273-05:00In Loving Memory of The Asko<p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUNV9TRJd6JYechBx0PKrz3_QztsxFmkglfX8ZDIDvryWbntu1lFBabBhvoII0gDPr7qQHbWhEKJhIPgQHUfMsr_jMgz8j3-pK-7zWyTnJC6Ha831DSbJj6SKbPOs0Kuqhvt9j1TVdyEQ/s737/ASKO.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="737" height="311" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUNV9TRJd6JYechBx0PKrz3_QztsxFmkglfX8ZDIDvryWbntu1lFBabBhvoII0gDPr7qQHbWhEKJhIPgQHUfMsr_jMgz8j3-pK-7zWyTnJC6Ha831DSbJj6SKbPOs0Kuqhvt9j1TVdyEQ/w339-h311/ASKO.jpeg" width="339" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I HAVE SEEN EVIL WITH MY OWN EYES</td></tr></tbody></table><br /></p><p>A very long time ago, in an apartment a few miles away, I had a Swedish appliance. Her name was The Asko. And she was a B___ from Hell. </p><p>I have written about her before, but on a blog that got eaten by the cruel vicissitudes of the tech bubble economy. Much like The Asko ate some of my clothes. But I'm getting ahead of my story. Which definitely bears repeating, as a warning to Americans who cherish our way of life and wish to protect it. </p><p>Kevin and I were newlyweds looking for our first real apartment together. We had been living huddled in his bachelor pad, my personal effects still in boxes stacked against walls, for months. We wanted to move into the city to be with all the other young nerds who wanted to feel cool. We looked and looked and finally found the perfect place. It had everything we needed, including a washer and dryer, an older, stacked model that was perfectly suitable for our needs. </p><p>But our landlady thought we deserved more. Better. </p><p>"Don't worry," she told us, as she showed us around the place. "This is gonna be replaced with a brand new appliance. It's cutting edge. It's European!"</p><p>That should have been a massive, blinking light, like Hitler invading the Sudetenland, a clear warning signal to run like the wind out of there and never look back. But we were young and foolish and still impressed by European things. We did not yet have the wisdom to discern that just because a culture produces fine chocolates, wine, and cathedrals, does not mean it has any business at all manufacturing something so practical as an appliance. </p><p>We moved in, and a few days later, a delivery man showed up with what looked to be a 1980's boom box. </p><p>"What is that?" I asked, while mentally scanning my possessions to see if I still owned any cassette tapes. </p><p>"That's your new washer-dryer," he said. </p><p>"Um, well, first of all, it's only one thing, so it must either be a washer or a dryer. Second of all, it is clearly for a Barbie," I said.</p><p>"It's a combination unit," he said. </p><p>"Like it combines with something else to become an actual appliance for full-sized Americans?"</p><p>"Look, I just deliver things. Here's the manual, sign here, good luck." And then he left me alone with The Asko. </p><p>I stared at it suspiciously, waiting to see if a colony of elves would exit its door. When that didn't happen, I tentatively reached for the manual and began reading. I learned that The Asko came from Sweden to show us how to conserve water, electricity, and space and also build a stronger social safety net with universal healthcare. The Asko claimed to wash and dry clothes in succession in a single tiny compartment. That did sound impressive. Also Sweden did have universal healthcare. I was intrigued. </p><p>The problem is, The Asko never did do that. Not even once in 2 years. </p><p>Also, Sweden probably has universal healthcare because they forego other things, like full-sized appliances that work. </p><p>To be fair, it did wash clothes, sometimes. You could put like 2 outfits in there at once, and it would fill with water and swish them around a bit. Sometimes it leaked. Sometimes it spun. Other times it just shook the foundations of the earth and you had to choose between diving under a sturdy table or running upstairs to pull its plug. But what it did on the wash function was marginally better than a bucket and a washboard. </p><p>It was the dryer phase where things got really, really terrifying. </p><p>I mean, that should not have been surprising though. Washing=water, Drying=electricity. You gotta figure someone is likely to die if you attempt that in the same compartment. Just grab a toaster and jump into a swimming pool next time. </p><p>The first time I attempted running The Asko through its full work cycle, it got to the dryer part, made a noise on par with a hair dryer for about an hour, then announced cheerily that it was finished. Much like my son when he does a chore.</p><p>And, like my son, The Asko had done a really crappy job. I opened the compartment and found a slightly warmed over pile of wet clothes. Kind of like The Asko had not so much dried clothes as strained some tea bags. I shut the door, reset the dryer function, and tried again. Another hour passed. Nope, still wet, maybe a few degrees warmer. </p><p>I called the landlady and told her The Asko was a piece of dog doo. I asked her if it was too late to get the old appliances back.</p><p>"Hmmm, that's not how it's supposed to work. I'll get the appliance company to come out and look," she said. </p><p>And thus began one of the more frustrating relationships of my entire life, me and The Asko Repairman. Like all dysfunctional relationships, it was marked by gaslighting, deception, false promises, dashed dreams, tears, and sorrow. </p><p>He did not seem to know anything about The Asko. But he could not admit the truth. </p><p>"Yeah, the heat setting seems to be off," he pronounced authoritatively. "I reset it, and it should work just fine." </p><p>I thanked him, bid him farewell, and excitedly took five articles of clothing from the towering pile of laundry we had constructed since The Asko's arrival and stuffed them into her tiny mouth. I went about my business. </p><p>And then, I smelled something burning. I raced upstairs. I opened The Asko's door. Steam and smoke poured out. I tried to rescue my clothes, but they were too hot. </p><p>I called the repairman. "Yeah, so now The Asko is trying to burn my clothes right up," I said. "Maybe also my house."</p><p>He sighed. He came back. </p><p>"It needs a new part. The coils have melted," he said. </p><p>"Should that have happened in a brand new appliance?" </p><p>"I wouldn't think so, but you may have done something wrong."</p><p>"Me?! I did something? I just put some clothes in that damn thing."</p><p>"Maybe you put too many clothes in there. Maybe your clothes are too big." He looked me up and down judgmentally. </p><p>"So you're telling me it can only wash three items at once?"</p><p>"We just own too many clothes here in America, that's the problem. Also we are too big."</p><p>"You cannot be serious." </p><p>It took a month to get the part, because, well, it came from Europe. He came back. He installed the part. He stayed through an entire laundry cycle to make sure it worked. It kind of worked, the clothes just came out super wrinkled.</p><p>"Man, these clothes are so wrinkled. Is this normal?"</p><p>"Yeah, the compartment isn't that big. This thing isn't a miracle worker you know."</p><p>"Clearly."</p><p>He looked at me sternly. "In Europe, they iron their clothes. Here in America, we're lazy, that's the problem."</p><p>"You cannot be serious."</p><p>He left again. I did more laundry. Things were not normal, but new-European-normal for a few weeks. Then the spin function broke. He ordered a part. He came back. </p><p>Then the heat function broke again. This time, smoke didn't rise from The Asko, it just melted the clothes. The wrinkles were literally burned into them, like shadows burned into the ground at Hiroshima, beyond what any 21st century iron was capable of handling. Maybe NASA could've done something, but I certainly couldn't. </p><p>He came back. He ordered a part. He came back. </p><p>The nuclear-applied wrinkles remained. He came back. He adjusted something. It didn't work. </p><p>"I think you're just gonna have to use the washer function and give up on the dryer function," he said. </p><p>"But y'all sold a washer-dryer. I think it's supposed to dry things," I argued.</p><p>"Well, in theory, yes. But really I think it's just supposed to get the drying process started a bit. The Europeans then line dry things the rest of the way," he said. "Americans have unrealistic expectations, that's the problem."</p><p>"Maybe that's because we make appliances that actually work," I said.</p><p>He left again. I called the landlady.</p><p>"You have got to do something, I'm begging you," I said, desperately. "I am being psychologically abused by a Swedish appliance and her sadistic repairman associate. I had to go to a LAUNDROMAT the other day. In THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA. While I appreciate the opportunity to both launder my clothing and buy street drugs in the same location, I am not cut out for this. I am a young white girl who grew up in rural setting and went to a Baptist college. I will not survive."</p><p>"OK, well, I'll call the company and see if they will just replace the entire machine," she said.</p><p>"You don't understand. The rot goes deeper than just this machine. This is a systemic issue," I said. "I am begging you, please, please get me an American appliance. Korean or Japanese is also fine! They have figured out how to make full sized appliances that function even though they live in tiny houses and bodies too." </p><p>"I don't think I can do that. But I'll get you a new machine," she said. </p><p>The new machine was exactly the same. The repairman came back. He ordered more parts. He lectured me on living in such a way that The Asko could not handle it. </p><p>I finally gave up. I used The Asko's washer setting. I secured the dishes and hid under furniture during the spin cycle. Then I hung up our clothes on hangers to dry all over our house, like a real European. </p><p>I did not get universal healthcare. </p><p>And eventually we moved on, to an apartment with Whirlpool appliances. </p><p>My friends, the moral of this story is that, despite what it may seem right now, America is a great nation. Sure we have massive, toxic political divisions, systemic racial inequities, a serious gun violence problem, horribly expensive health care, a shambolic educational system, and far too many people who think a thorough reading of Facebook posts constitutes scientific research. Not to mention a monopolistic conspiracy between Direct TV and NFL Sunday Ticket. </p><p>But my gosh, we have good appliances. Large, powerful, durable, reliable, gleaming appliances. </p><p>And don't let anyone tell you that doesn't matter. </p><p>Anyone who says that has not survived The Asko. </p><p>GOD. BLESS. AMERICA. </p><p><br /></p>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-1994958276081202902021-08-04T21:13:00.004-04:002021-08-05T17:44:50.471-04:00And that is how I became a poison ivy expert<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBwNq0kVSLcihvVhUVd9ZjizZrVwFzj5iWrjPzig8-zs71mCXH89lL4eI-GzjZFy_bjzIjkkEqj7VJSHVqvwS8h4fTy8SlWKV4mVHyeLbmgpWmUV9Kex87C3Mi4EfqBBAW5nPfFYebflQ/s500/GettyImages-157161379-36eb311f9a9a47a0993e803d32e7c2e3.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="350" data-original-width="500" height="338" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBwNq0kVSLcihvVhUVd9ZjizZrVwFzj5iWrjPzig8-zs71mCXH89lL4eI-GzjZFy_bjzIjkkEqj7VJSHVqvwS8h4fTy8SlWKV4mVHyeLbmgpWmUV9Kex87C3Mi4EfqBBAW5nPfFYebflQ/w483-h338/GettyImages-157161379-36eb311f9a9a47a0993e803d32e7c2e3.jpg" width="483" /></a></div><br />So Donald Trump was not wrong when he said DC is a swamp. Except he was being metaphorical, when the truth is, DC is AN ACTUAL SWAMP. Part of it had to be drained just to not be a giant, cholera-causing toilet. These days, there is less standing water and dysentery, but there is plenty of humidity, mosquitoes and vegetation. In fact, if you don't weed your yard for a few days, you will literally be strangled in the night by some kind of creeping vine. <p></p><p>A very common vine around these parts is poison ivy. It's actually everywhere, unbeknownst to those who don't know what it looks like. I myself have never had a poison ivy attack, but my husband has and my mother-in-law has had many, and it looks bad. I've even known people who've had to go to the ER with it. Best not to mess with poison ivy. </p><p>But it won't kill your baby, FYI. </p><p>A week or so ago, I took a friend of ours on a hike down to the river from our house. The upside to living in a swamp is that there is a lot of nature and stuff everywhere, and you can hike to things. Yeah it's nice. Except of course for the 105% humidity and all the poison ivy. </p><p>We were hiking along a trail with a lot of vegetation overhang, because even my own closet has vegetation overhang because this is a swamp. So I told him to watch out for poison ivy. He had no idea what it looked like. I gave him an extensive lesson, showing him the "leaves of three," the faint red joints, the pointed leaves. I showed him the difference between real poison ivy and stuff that pretends to be poison ivy so that animals leave it alone. Which is honestly a horrible strategy in the DC area, where you are far more likely to be uprooted or chemically exterminated by a suburban gardener. Those plants need to adjust. </p><p>My friend was really, really impressed, both by my knowledge and by the literal suffocation of the landscape around here by poison ivy. The rest of our hike was me going,"That's poison ivy. That's poison ivy. THAT'S poison ivy. Watch out, that's poison ivy." It was a lot of fun.</p><p>"How on earth are you so good at this?" he said. "Is there poison ivy in Kenya? Did you spend a summer interning for a Boy Scout? Did you start out majoring in horticulture but switch to 19th Century American History for the hot job market?" </p><p>Well, Gary, I'll tell you a fun story. I think I may have briefly referenced this on here like 10 years ago, before I understood how mentally ill I was. </p><p>When Charlotte was born, we lived in a rental house, right across the street from our current house. The back yard was pretty much one massive field of English ivy, as many yards around here are. Because this is a swamp, maybe I mentioned that before.</p><p>Everything about motherhood was overwhelming to me. I've never liked babies, because they are passive aggressive selfish SOBs who can't talk. But obviously I loved mine, I just had no idea what to do with her. And I was pretty convinced there was only a slight chance I would be able to keep her alive. I once had a panic attack in the Babies R Us parking lot and begged Kevin to flee with me to West Virginia while his mother had the baby in her care. I mean, I figure you gotta be pretty desperate to want to flee to West Virginia (it is pretty, I will say). There was another time I had a panic attack because I was stuck in DC traffic and it was approaching Charlotte's dinner time. She wasn't even crying or anything, but she COULD cry. So that is what I did instead. I called Kevin and told him about how our baby was going to starve to death because I was stupid enough to drive into downtown during a Wizards game. Then there was that other time I had a panic attack because Charlotte was sick and the drive-through pharmacy was taking too long to fill her no doubt life-saving prescription. </p><p>Let's just say I'd last about 12 seconds in an actual emergency with my children. This would be first time an infant who can't walk saved its mother from a burning building because the ambulatory human just couldn't handle the pressure. Or else we'd both just die. Probably more likely.</p><p>Needless to say, my maternity leave was not a relaxing time. I spent all day waiting for the terrible moments when Charlotte would wake up from a nap and expect things from me. It's all pretty laughable now, especially given that she literally slept 14 hours straight at night rom like 8 weeks on, plus around 3-4 hours a day. Shih tzus have tougher gigs. </p><p>Most of that time I sat around and worried about things. I worried about lead paint. I worried she was eating too little (well, and she was when I was breastfeeding. that is another whole <a href="http://www.motherhoodforthephobic.com/2010/05/getting-things-off-my-chest.html">very sore subject</a> and in fact is the origin of my mental health spiral), she was eating too much. Her thighs were so chunky I'd never find jeans to fit her (that part came true. She no longer has chunky thighs but refuses to wear denim because she was not indoctrinated early. Denim is actually not comfortable and requires cultural conditioning in order to think it is). She slept so much she would sit in pee too long and risked a butt fungus of some kind. I would be too slow assembling her bottle because I was a breastfeeding failure and she would come down with abandonment syndrome. A book shelf would fall on her, even though she couldn't move yet. Should she be able to move yet? I saw another baby her age move. The house was electrified. There was a tornado sighting several states away. Black mold. </p><p>Also, the yard was covered in ivy. And I had a sneaking suspicion not all of it was English. There was probably some faux-English ivy in there, some kind of Gwyneth Paltrow ivy, that in fact was poison ivy. It would rub itself all over my precious child, and she would have anaphylactic shock or else she would not sleep for a month. </p><p>Now, I didn't quite work out the details of this horrible scenario. The ivy was outside the house. She was inside the house. She could not move independently. As far as I could tell, the ivy did not move independently. Or at least not quickly. It grew, obviously, but you had some lead time of say several months or years before it got to you. There were quite a few doors and windows and yards of distance between my baby and the ivy. There was gravity and space and time and an expanding universe. Quantum mechanics. </p><p>Also, there were zero Good Morning America segments on the dangers of poison ivy to babies. You know if there had been even one instance of a baby being attacked by poison ivy anywhere in the galaxy or in human history, GMA would be on that story like a mask on Dr. Fauci. Not only that, my mother-in-law would tell me about it. I don't even have to watch GMA to be fully warned of every danger and product recall on earth. </p><p>So of course I went on a mission to a) Determine if poison ivy (or even Gwyneth Paltrow, I don't trust that woman) lurked in the English ivy in my yard and b) to absolutely annihilate it from planet earth. I set to work. </p><p>I had no idea what poison ivy looked like. There was no poison ivy in Kenya, where I grew up. There were tiny bugs called Nairobi eyes that covered your body in blisters if you smashed them on your skin and parasites that dug little homes in your toes in which to lay their eggs and raise their families and massive beetles that rolled around balls of poop, but no poison ivy. </p><p>Once again, the internet made life better, as it always does, and I was able to pore over thousands and thousands of photos of poison ivy, of all varieties and in all seasons. I spent hours and hours studying those photos, picking out what the key traits were, what it looked like dead (because it can still attack you when dead because horror movies are real), what it looked like in fall (pretty, but don't be deceived, that cheerleader will murder you), what it looked like crawling up a tree vs. lurking around English ivy beds vs. sprinting like Usain Bolt to wrap your child up in its toxic leaves. </p><p>Then I went outside during Charlotte's naps and stared at the ground. I put on big rubber boots so I could safely wade into the sea of English ivy and cover every inch of the place. </p><p>And guess what, I FOUND POISON IVY. </p><p>After completely freaking out, calling Kevin at work crying (again), I dashed off (another) email to the poor property management company that the landlady had saddled with us. I told them that THERE IS POISON IVY IN THIS YARD AND I HAVE A CHILD. I demanded a full eradication of the poison ivy immediately! Quicker please, my child is not getting any less sedentary! Because that would literally be impossible! </p><p>The manager called a psychiatric ward, where I would spend the next 5 years. Not really. But maybe she should have. No, the manger explained to me calmly that this is the mid-Atlantic, and poison ivy literally grows on trees, as well as on the ground, as well as on everything else that doesn't move and maybe even some things that do. She asked me how old my child was. </p><p>WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?! I said.</p><p>Well, I mean, does she even play outside yet? </p><p>NO, BUT SHE WILL PLAY OUTSIDE, AND WHEN SHE DOES, I DON'T WANT ANY POISON IVY IN MY YARD. AND WHEN SHE GRADUATES HIGH SCHOOL, I DON'T WANT ANY FRAT BOYS IN THE WORLD EITHER. </p><p>Well, you can pull it. I can't help you with the frat boys. </p><p>DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS?</p><p>Um, sort of, but it's actually not that big a deal?</p><p>THE INTERNET SAYS YOU HAVE TO PUT ON A FULL BIOHAZARD SUIT AND THEN BURN IT AND EVEN THEN YOUR LUNGS CAN GET POISON IVY ON THEM AND YOU CAN DIE. </p><p>So, the internet is not always right? I mean, true, this is only 2008, before a giant Russian misinformation cyber op helped elect a crazy person to the presidency and then convinced everyone he is actually Jesus, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say maybe the internet already has some crazy stuff on it.</p><p>I AM CALLING MY ATTORNEY THAT I DO NOT HAVE. </p><p>Girl, knock yourself out. We'll talk you next week when your home lead testing kit tells you your child has already hit her max brain development. </p><p>...</p><p>So we moved. Not because of that, the landlady just opted to sell the place rather than renew our lease. I can't imagine why. </p><p>Later, I had a full blown breakdown that made all the other ones look like a yoga retreat, got on Zoloft, and no longer care about much of anything at all, much less poison ivy. </p><p>But I can still identify it like some kind of naturalist savant on Adderall. Which I do, calmly, and move on. </p><p>And, no, elderly woman in the grocery store, I won't miss the "little years." Shove off. </p><p><br /></p>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-5345888480455665562021-06-28T18:32:00.001-04:002021-06-28T20:34:43.392-04:00THIS IS HISTORICAL DAMMIT<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi_xM3uIEdNObW4nw-InhyphenhyphenDMPLzeU7qW3JZ84c76zGUdwG-5_SWf1JqZsmOpat0FmwVOJuzy9mARMTIvae2MDwtxK3yUPTzo9WmQ8UAhxB5odU_TkhBwveA0OJRcdE_NhrN1yy_1GO02Q/s284/images.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="177" data-original-width="284" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi_xM3uIEdNObW4nw-InhyphenhyphenDMPLzeU7qW3JZ84c76zGUdwG-5_SWf1JqZsmOpat0FmwVOJuzy9mARMTIvae2MDwtxK3yUPTzo9WmQ8UAhxB5odU_TkhBwveA0OJRcdE_NhrN1yy_1GO02Q/w511-h318/images.jpeg" width="511" /></a></div><br /><p>Did you know I'm a historian? Like a real one, with a PhD and everything. I am just not a practicing historian. I got my degree...a few years ago...and then I changed careers and please don't ask me when James Polk was president. I used to know that. That part of my brain now processes What is for dinner tonight. Actually my entire brain does that now. </p><p>So my kids are now of the age when they can technically "appreciate" history. That is they are old enough to be told about slavery and the holocaust without being traumatized for life and also they kind of get what a constitution is and why it might be a good idea to have one. They drew one up just the other day in fact to govern entry into their respective rooms. </p><p>Now, let me brag for a minute. I taught history for a time, and I was SO GOOD at it. I made it funny, I made it interesting, I didn't just spew facts, I laid out grand narratives. And this was back in the dark days before Power Point. Yes, I know, I'm so old. But yes, I couldn't put together a compelling presentation with photos and maps and animations and graphs and things. It was just me and my overhead projector with my sad little outline on it in dry erase marker. Then, every couple classes HOLD ON TO YOUR CRAPPY PRE-STARBUCKS COFFEE I did a slide show. Oh, what are slides, you ask? No, they aren't a type of shoe...They are these little cardboard things with tiny photos on them, and you load them onto this thing called a carousel, which is not the same thing as the ride...you know what, just google it. Then you'll understand why I have back problems from lugging a slide projector around a college campus for several years.</p><p>Well, now I am not a history teacher, I'm a mom of two kids who need to learn some history. Unlike every other aspect of motherhood, I should be well qualified to take care of this. And yet, it's not going great. </p><p>We are in Seneca Falls, NY and just got back from the site of the first women's rights convention in 1848. Sadly, the visitor's center was closed, because I can always count on the gift shop to make history come alive through bribery and consumerism. So we just wandered around the buildings and caught part of a ranger talk. It was hot as blazes, so we had that going against us. But also, we had life going against us, because all our visits to historical sites generally go the same way. </p><p>And so, I give you the 5 Stages of Visiting Historical Sites with Children. </p><p>Stage 1: Preparation. You decide your kids are old enough to go to X historical site and learn about Y event. You are determined to make it interesting. You believe it is possible. You brush up on your history and search for Fun Facts, such as while Abraham Lincoln lived here, he nearly died of explosive diarrhea. You find a video on YouTube that runs through the entirety of British history in a 5 minute cartoon. </p><p>Stage 2: Excitement. The day arrives, and you are PUMPED. The kids are going to love this, they will not fail to be impressed by your knowledge, the significance of the place, and the revulsion of the toilet and death anecdotes. This visit will change their lives, and they will become crusaders for democracy, and America will survive one more generation. Also, they will never take indoor plumbing for granted. You arrive and immediately start taking millions of photos of your children posed in front of old things. </p><p>Stage 3: Disillusionment. You start ushering your children around the site and furiously spewing out historical anecdotes and fun facts. But it's clear you're losing them. In fact, you never had them, and you were a fool to ever think you did. They roll their eyes. They complain of the heat, which you angrily insist is not that bad while sweat rolls down your thighs like justice rolls down the arc of history. They aren't impressed by Abe Lincon's dysentery. They leave your side half way through your explanation of the House Divided speech to half-heartedly gaze at a saddle in a glass case that is a replica of one owned by Frederick Douglass's cousin who invented an early form of velcro. </p><p>Stage 4: Desperation. You start talking faster and editing out all the details of your planned tour. You start randomly yelling things like, "You'd be in jail right now if it weren't for the Bill of Rights! Can you believe they made women wear hoop skirts so they couldn't get out of their houses and vote? There used to be multi-seated outhouses! PEOPLE POOPED COMMUNALLY! MAYBE EVEN GEORGE WASHINGTON! Also A LOT OF PEOPLE DIED HERE." None of it is historically accurate. You start desperately scanning the area for items of interest. You sprint over to a water fountain and announce that Henry VIII drowned his 4th wife in it because the children recently watched a YouTube video on Henry VIII and showed mild interest. A nearby docent scowls at you and begins to tell the children that water fountains did not exist in the 1500s and also this is the wrong country for Henry VIII, and you threaten her life with your eyes. You spy a desk out of the corner of you eye and shut down the docent with, "THAT DESK BELONGED TO CHARLEMAGNE WHO THEN GAVE IT TO THOMAS JEFFERSON WHO THEN WILLED IT TO LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA!" The children perk up at the mention of Lin, at whom you plan to tweet later with another plea to please produce musicals for every single historical site in the United States and also go on vacation with you. You once again wonder to yourself what kind of deity can make Alexander Hamilton interesting to a tween. </p><p>Stage 5: Resignation/Gift Shop. You accept that you are not Lin-Manuel Miranda, and honestly, you aren't even a mediocre historian. You suck. You decide you will mail back your PhD to the university that foolishly gave it to you and officially pack it in. You tell the children there is a gift shop, and they can pick out whatever they want as long as it's educational. You decide an Albert Einstein troll doll is educational. </p><p>You'll keep trying. And who knows, maybe something will sink in. Maybe there will come an Election Day far in the future when those kids are feeling like it's too much work to go click a few buttons in order to perpetuate democracy but then they will remember that people used to wear hoop skirts and poop communally, and they'll look over at their Einstein troll doll and remember the time they visited the place where a lot of people died for their freedom, and they will be like, YES WE CAN. </p><p><br /></p>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-6084951372559410672021-05-23T21:56:00.005-04:002021-05-27T22:14:49.206-04:00At Least I'm Not A Cicada Mother<p> In case you are living under a rock, or more likely, in another part of the country, we here in the DC area are absolutely overrun by cicadas, which are clumsily flying, red-eyed, far-too-big insects that gestate in the ground for 17 years before emerging in one massive, festive, loud, debauched cicada parade that puts Mardi Gras to shame. It's probably more akin to Woodstock, because it features a ton of sex and laying around looking dazed. </p><p>Then after a few weeks, everyone dies. It's a highly compressed version of all our lives, really, complete with teenage awkwardness. If you think human puberty is bad, try busting out of your own skin in public. Yikes. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMEKtM4mihs6ehesDUMbAFz6HpgMAZktsy-IVQ0E54yE3cZIyK90gxtphn-y0yz8D2A5bl-zG-0wMXoLJngyP0xh2n80MCe3cORG9EyoqqFWZ0pEOBcrMmqPYISFtjjy7__SjWDI5bADE/s500/cicada-molting_58441.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="427" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMEKtM4mihs6ehesDUMbAFz6HpgMAZktsy-IVQ0E54yE3cZIyK90gxtphn-y0yz8D2A5bl-zG-0wMXoLJngyP0xh2n80MCe3cORG9EyoqqFWZ0pEOBcrMmqPYISFtjjy7__SjWDI5bADE/s320/cicada-molting_58441.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is a cicada molting. I have to credit my friend Beth N. with the awkward adolescent comparison. Reluctantly, because I just hate it when people think of smart, funny things before I do. <br /><br /></td></tr></tbody></table>To make matters worse, there is apparently a cicada STD sweeping through the population this year. To be more precise and scientific, it is a butt fungus. You heard me right. There is a fungus that eats off the cicada's butt, including its genitals. This turns it into a seriously freaky zombie looking thing that could probably start its own cult given a slightly longer lifespan. <div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLwucd8JBB0SackvmyaVuw-kbMk_HvB7YZkYcpg2ehhPDaYPNG7jiwEmPzYwGOiTuGojL8vrB2VBoS5ssHMaOENgfLufvrBuaEqpVy2dhXORRVPtqWWPoezprTuycX6-JkcUJKXrR0W8Q/s2048/IMG_6646.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLwucd8JBB0SackvmyaVuw-kbMk_HvB7YZkYcpg2ehhPDaYPNG7jiwEmPzYwGOiTuGojL8vrB2VBoS5ssHMaOENgfLufvrBuaEqpVy2dhXORRVPtqWWPoezprTuycX6-JkcUJKXrR0W8Q/s320/IMG_6646.JPG" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hello. I am the Cicada Messiah, and for all your money and free access to your wife, you can reign with me for 1,000 years. <br /><br /><br /></td></tr></tbody></table>But the fungus doesn't just disintegrate the cicada's hindquarters. That really wouldn't accomplish anything. Fungus gotta spread, man! So the fungus amps up the cicada's libido to an 11, and the cicada then frantically humps anything in sight, covering its sexual partners with fungus dust. The fungus then spreads to the next cicada, and pretty soon, you've got a cicada public health crisis on your hands (the fungus does not infect humans, mercifully). The <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/science/2021/05/19/cicada-fungus-sex-drive/">Washington Post </a>breathlessly called the infected cicadas "sex-crazed salt shakers of death." And we thought herpes was bad (OK, it is bad. Or so I hear. To be clear, I have never had herpes). <div><br /></div><div>So what does butt fungus and cicada sex have to do with parenting? I'm so glad you asked. First of all, on a very practical level, the insect invasion means that my stubbornly housebound kids are even less inclined to enter the Great Outdoors. They, too, prefer to gestate underground for 17 years, it seems. In addition to sun, dirt, air that is seldom room temperature, body movement, poor Wi-Fi, few electric outlets, shoes, bees, ants, and the odd other critter, the outdoors now also contains seriously freaky-looking, large insects that, by the sound of things, have apparently formed a metal band despite a complete lack of talent (I would comment here about the average talent of metal bands, but I don't want any trouble). In addition, there are many more insect corpses, in varying states of mutilation, as well as millions upon jillions of abandoned exoskeletons pretty much everywhere and on everything. It's like the gruesome aftermath of some great disaster, like cicada Pompei. I can't say I blame the children on this one, I'm not loving the outdoors quite as much these days. I'm just thankful the cicadas are so bad at flying, although every now and then one does manage to hurl itself into the air, which then guarantees an intoxicated-like crash into something that could be your head. Still, it is a mercy on par with the short career of William Hung (google it) that cicadas mostly crawl around on the ground and even more often die on it. </div><div><br /></div><div>But the frenzied, fungus-addled launch of Brood X after 17 years underground has me counting my blessings as a mom. I feel sorry for the cicada moms, first, because of course they died 17 years ago. They laid their eggs in the ground, and then they just exited the scene. That is one way to parent, I suppose. In this case, is probably yet another mercy, because I keep imagining what the cicada mom would think to see her offspring finally unleashed on the world after 17 long years of nurturing by adoptive mother earth and whatever else may be down there in the ground. It's like, you do you part as a parent, you do your best, you shelter them for 17 years and try to instill in them some morals. You hope when they go out into the world, they don't act like idiots, they don't do anything really dumb, and maybe they make something of themselves. But instead, they make a bee-line for the nearest frat house, strip naked, have a bunch of sex, and end up butt-less and dead with an STD that they have spread to most of the party guests. Hopefully they got some fertilized eggs deposited before they went legs up. </div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGrq7GN58oHBN3COZfCrgRvvnmIcMum9LfJvLiGXMdca00fOJ1zBdhYUQxevr1yfY4s3hkYGs1LoXQRqonOPmOvcS_LtGKQshIIIXy9itsE_at-krHLpcttNF9Gbyj7suiy6EqTY6EieA/s640/5760174695_834d31ab5a_z.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="428" data-original-width="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGrq7GN58oHBN3COZfCrgRvvnmIcMum9LfJvLiGXMdca00fOJ1zBdhYUQxevr1yfY4s3hkYGs1LoXQRqonOPmOvcS_LtGKQshIIIXy9itsE_at-krHLpcttNF9Gbyj7suiy6EqTY6EieA/s320/5760174695_834d31ab5a_z.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm so proud," said Mrs. Cicada.<br /><br /><br /></td></tr></tbody></table>Like all moms, I worry about my children's future and trepidatiously hope they will both end up productive citizens. I have my concerns, but I feel pretty confident neither of them will become sex-crazed salt shakers of death.<div><br /></div><div>That's not nothing. <br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /><div><div><div><br /><p><br /></p></div></div></div></div></div>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-48898109179314909252021-05-10T21:37:00.000-04:002021-05-10T21:37:22.164-04:00You're not here to kill the squirrels<p>Hi everyone, I am Chilo, a 10 year-old Shih Tzu/Yorkie mix, and before we proceed any further, let's take a moment to observe how cute I am.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN0YLjeZ4u8gG0Jvn1JVF-nVFPC4pwyjbD2w7TLP-V50Cqr_Im-0J-EGbzeh1-NJqPNiU3ynSoSwM3yywFhWaGW96che7YJ6hsOvaNfKaZ90BBlqco5egqzsEUbzoas8IPi9Fi2u8gbB8/s3266/IMG_5353.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3266" data-original-width="2447" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN0YLjeZ4u8gG0Jvn1JVF-nVFPC4pwyjbD2w7TLP-V50Cqr_Im-0J-EGbzeh1-NJqPNiU3ynSoSwM3yywFhWaGW96che7YJ6hsOvaNfKaZ90BBlqco5egqzsEUbzoas8IPi9Fi2u8gbB8/s320/IMG_5353.JPG" /></a></div><br /><p>That's me chilling on my king size bed, in which I also allow two humans to sleep, because I am just that generous. And yes, I am adorable. That is just a fact.</p><p>But that's not my purpose here today. I have taken over my owner's blog, much as I've taken over everything else in her life, to share some deep, hard-won wisdom that I believe may change your life. It's true. I am extremely adorable and yet deep and wise, like a 16th century mystical poet. I am basically Taylor Swift. </p><p>For most of my life, I have spent all day, every day staring out into the yard watching for the squirrels. I have been convinced they want to brutally murder my entire family. I didn't have hard evidence of such, but there's just something nefarious and shifty about the way their tails twitch as they sit on the fence and the sound their tiny toenails make as they scurry up trees. Also, I couldn't think of another reason why they would hang around here all the time or even exist on this earth except to slaughter and kill. So I watched them, day in, day out, and when they appeared, I rushed outside through my dog door like a bat out of hell, except obviously cuter than a bat and with no rabies. I barked violently at the squirrels until they fled in terror, their genocidal ambitions delayed for another hour. Then, instead of retreating through my dog door, I went to the other back door and whined insufferably until my grateful owner let me in, so that she would be aware that I had once again saved her from certain, excruciating death. </p><p>It is was an exhausting life, like trench warfare, except with no trenches except for when couch cushions get thrown around by the horrible children who live here (honestly, the squirrels can have them). I was haunted by the notion that even a brief rest may mean the gruesome deaths of my family via squirrel nibbling or perhaps squirrel-tail-pummeling. I wasn't sure how exactly these reprobate rodents intended to achieve their homicidal mission, but I can't imagine it would be pleasant. So I remained vigilant. But it took a toll on my mental health. I suffered from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, OCD, and bipolar personality disorder. I could no longer be around the clothes iron, because its steam chamber was the perfect place for a squirrel to hide once they have shrunken themselves down to the size of an acorn, which they can totally do. </p><p>But then I began to rethink things, and not only because I was slowly disintegrating under the stress. What if the squirrels aren't out to kill us all? There was that one day that I ate an entire peanut butter sandwich that the boy foolishly left on the coffee table unattended, and I slept all afternoon in a sugar coma instead of watching the squirrels. Why didn't they seize the opportunity to sew destruction throughout the land? And, how did this family survive before I arrived here? I heard them say they only had a goldfish before me, as if a goldfish can do anything about a fly, much less a squirrel. Humans are not that bright. </p><p>As it began to dawn on me that perhaps I wasn't bequeathed a solemn mission to defend humankind against invading hordes of boxom-bottomed banshees, I first went into an existential panic. The purpose of my entire life was thrown into question, I had no real value, my existence was meaningless. What was I even here for? </p><p>Before I could start stress-reading <i>The Purpose Driven Life, </i>I had another thought. If I wasn't needed to stave off sociopathic squirrels, I could rest. I could relax. Everything didn't rest on my performance after all. Turns out, being important--whether in reality or in one's own mind--and/or having to convince yourself and others of your importance will drain you like a slurping, sucking bathtub and leave you like a little puddle on the floor. </p><p>So why was I here anyway, if not to defend this house against mayhem? Why did they keep me around? Presumably my humans understood the squirrels weren't dangerous. So what was my purpose? </p><p>And then it hit me: They love me. That's it. They don't care what I do, they don't care how many squirrels I kill, they just love me. I am worthy, just by being me. </p><p>And, obviously, as we have already established, I am ADORABLE. Here's another picture. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgErbUNYv3aovtMRSKyfp_k404pgHCDUPQRkdxQD86ujlKPhbR1d23yDd0RhmzZjUqCUbDd59WcPpE7fIQ-sUAjJQEtNyRYbYekDu-sVHpIh-Bs1H6OnXzsA__SLOj_dFzUmPl-w-Ay7-c/s2618/IMG_5358.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2618" data-original-width="2389" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgErbUNYv3aovtMRSKyfp_k404pgHCDUPQRkdxQD86ujlKPhbR1d23yDd0RhmzZjUqCUbDd59WcPpE7fIQ-sUAjJQEtNyRYbYekDu-sVHpIh-Bs1H6OnXzsA__SLOj_dFzUmPl-w-Ay7-c/s320/IMG_5358.JPG" /></a></div><br /><p>After that, my life really changed. Not outwardly, of course--I still run out the dog door yapping multiple times a day like a deranged dog who earnestly believes a squirrel can commit murder. But I don't do it from a place of fear and insecurity. I do it for the love and joy of squirrel chasing and barking really, really loud and incessantly. Then, as per usual, I come to the other back door and make my owner let me in, but not so she can understand my value or so I can earn her love, but because she needs to get off her butt on occasion. Everyone knows being sedentary is really bad for your health. </p><p>I'm still terrified of the clothes iron, but not because I think there is a shrunken squirrel hiding in it. No, it's because it's really hot and can burn you. DUH. </p><p>So remember, good humans. You can rest deep in your soul, because you aren't here to kill the squirrels. Maybe you'll kill some squirrels, and that's fine and good. Squirrels are evil, I maintain that to this day. But that's not why you are here, and generally speaking, the squirrels will take care of themselves. You are here because you are loved, just as you are. </p><p>And some of you, just a very few really, are adorable, but not as adorable as you think, by the way. Sorry, but I have high standards on that front. </p><p><br /></p>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-4988358256644471082021-05-10T19:59:00.001-04:002021-05-10T19:59:31.150-04:00A Real, Live Teenager<p> My daughter turned 13 recently. She doesn't let me talk about her anymore so this will be a short post. It will also be pretty boring because she's really delightful. I'm not even being sarcastic.</p><p>I realize some parents really have hellish experiences with teenagers, but I've always liked them pretty well. I can relate to them better than babies and toddlers anyway. Teenagers can speak, if they so choose, and they respond much better to incentives (you will do this or I will take away your phone). </p><p>I am rather teen-ish myself. I, too, enjoy sarcasm, smart-assery, rolling my eyes, slamming doors, self-pity, and being alone in my room. I, too, have mood swings. Especially now that I am nearing menopause. I also still have acne (as I think everyone is aware), but I have some reason to hope that menopause will actually be welcome on that front. Knowing my luck, though, probably not. </p><p>As with every other stage of her life, it looks like my daughter's teen years will be very mild. She is naturally rational, level-headed, empathetic, and communicative. She is more mature than many adults I know. She's fun and interesting. Unlike when she was a toddler, her interests overlap with mine. She loves football, and so do I. In contrast, I had very little interest in Paw Patrol, I can't imagine why not.</p><p>And she is increasingly a font of pop culture information, which I really need at this point. For instance, I recently learned that "shipping" does not just apply to moving goods from place to place. No, you can "ship" two people, and that means you want them to get together romantically. For instance, I ship (hard!) Lupita Nyong'o and Trevor Noah. This does not mean I put them in a box and mail them, although I suppose this situation could facilitate a romantic connection. It means I think they would make an amazing couple, basically the African dream couple. I'm really mystified as to why they haven't gotten together. I am also unclear why and how the word "ship" began to be used this way or what the ramifications are for postal and/or nautical activity. </p><p>OK, I literally just got it--relationSHIP. You "ship"people you want to be in a relationship. I feel very clued in right now. </p><p>She is also helping me understand SNL again. While I have always enjoyed their political satire, I have lately been mystified by the cultural references and musical guests (honestly, I have always wanted to dump the musical guests, even when they were people I had heard of). I recently watched a <a href="https://youtu.be/OPjvCFa8LuE" target="_blank">skit </a>involving a song called "Driver's License," and while I could appreciate the universal themes of love and loss and driving cars and the humor of manly men getting choked up over a sad, sappy pop song, I was completely ignorant of the song itself or the backstory. My daughter explained to me that the song is part of a whole love triangle involving 3 actors in the High School Musical series (she explained to me that this series exists). She showed me their pictures and told me the whole story, and now I am most definitely on Team Olivia. I mainly made this decision based on the other girl's inability to smile properly, but I feel very strongly about my position. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/seqkUxQi2IbzZEBXes/giphy.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="480" height="325" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/seqkUxQi2IbzZEBXes/giphy.gif" width="325" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How can you not love his adorable girl? Joshua is an idiot. </td></tr></tbody></table><p>I am also regularly consulted as to the attractiveness of various men young enough to be my children. I pretty much tell her they all look young enough to be my children, and she is on her own in assessing their hotness. We both agree, however, that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is pretty much the most attractive man alive, other than her dad. She actually does acknowledge that her dad is very handsome, which I think is impressive, objective analysis on her part. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/l1mMWK9JJ5UJrca6HA/giphy.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="480" height="280" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/l1mMWK9JJ5UJrca6HA/giphy.gif" width="280" /></a></div><br /><p>Were it not for COVID, we had plans to go to NYC together for her 13th and attend a few Broadway shows. How fun would that be? I certainly would rather die than set foot in NYC with a child under the age of 10. But a 13 year old who actually wants to go? I can deal. </p><p>The bottom line is, I am not weeping over her growing up, other than it is a visible reminder of my rapidly impending death, of course. Otherwise, I really see no downside to this situation. Instead of having a child that melts down over a bug flying around the room, now I have a child to whom I can say, "I was raised in Africa, where I lived peaceably with bugs. If you want that bug dead, kill it yourself." Incidentally, this is what I also say to my husband. If any one melts down at that point, I just go to my room. </p><p>Probably the best thing about my particular teen is that she has zero interest in fashion, hair or makeup. She is still wearing the basketball-style shorts she has been wearing for 3 years, they just keep getting shorter and tighter. I have repeatedly asked her if she wants new shorts and she declines. Besides that, she wears sweats, hoodies, and T-shirts. She owns one pair of shoes (sneakers). She wears two different socks on purpose, meaning she is impervious to the evil sock-disappearance conspiracy (perhaps Bill Gates is stealing everyone's socks!). I'd say I've spent about $100 on her clothing over the past 3 years. She did just take my 20-year-old jean jacket, however. </p><p>But I've probably already revealed too much about her, and now she will make fun of my side part. </p><p><br /></p>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-79663360363326327952021-03-19T13:26:00.001-04:002021-03-19T13:26:27.163-04:00What if I don't want to return to normal?<p> This post was gonna be better before the damn Holderness family did a video about this topic. I tried to find it to post it here, but I can't find it, probably because they put out like 10 videos a day. Anyway. The Holderness family, and many others like them, continue to live my best life, in which they are just funny for cash, and I kind of hate them. </p><p>The overall point of their funny, highly lucrative video was that there are downsides to a return to normal life, including having to wear real clothes and expend energy on things like planning and moving (live) human bodies around places and doing things and activities. I didn't realize how tired all that made me until COVID hit. In the last year, I have done all kinds of amazing things with all that extra energy, including:</p><p>-playing Catan on my phone</p><p>-arguing with people on social media</p><p>-throwing away expired condiments</p><p>-scouring Pinterest for recipes I will never make</p><p>-ordering take out</p><p>-half-listening to 23 different podcasts that basically all say the same thing while I do other useless crap</p><p>-buying clothes online that I will never wear</p><p>-getting rid of all the clothes I never wear including the ones I just bought</p><p>-looking at real estate in Colorado for when we retire there in 10 years </p><p>-starting to organize all my closets and drawers before becoming overwhelmed and giving up</p><p>-becoming very agitated by the chaotic, disgusting state of my home</p><p>-cleaning angrily in 15 minutes increments muttering about the chaotic, disgusting state of my home before becoming overwhelmed and giving up</p><p>-running an experiment to see if you really only need to brush your teeth once a day (so far so good)</p><p>-thinking about watching movies and TV shows other people say are good before deciding it sounds like too much work</p><p>-moving around to different rooms of the house in a vain attempt to avoid other people</p><p>-grazing on cheese all day</p><p>-drinking coffee so I don't eat cheese</p><p>-drinking wine because I drank too much coffee</p><p>-drinking tea so I don't drink wine</p><p>-telling my kids we are going to go on a hike </p><p>-telling my kids we are going to ride bikes</p><p>-telling my kids I am going to teach them to cook</p><p>-telling my kids they are going to start doing chores</p><p>-telling my kids about all the changes we will make when COVID is over because we can't live like this forever</p><p>To be honest, I also did some actually useful stuff that probably causes some friends to hate me when I post about it on social media. I learned to paint and sew and I exercised a lot and I read more. But I've also wasted an obscene OBSCENE amount of time. Like if you took the time I have wasted and added it on to the lives of maybe 10-12 cancer researchers, no one would ever die of cancer ever again. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqAWTmW5zfGLplAkZA2UesIPQXuHmyYzXVgK0gWV1E_UomJqt6F7S72DvH83VTV3VhbIRsNUjCKMSrCQSBNFA0hqUA6BFD7XqykMgaXmZPDgWOLlnUG_IrYbAJR8V93xsMPaT2yywtSZk/s1500/people_students-in-lab-with-teacher_landscape.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="998" data-original-width="1500" height="325" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqAWTmW5zfGLplAkZA2UesIPQXuHmyYzXVgK0gWV1E_UomJqt6F7S72DvH83VTV3VhbIRsNUjCKMSrCQSBNFA0hqUA6BFD7XqykMgaXmZPDgWOLlnUG_IrYbAJR8V93xsMPaT2yywtSZk/w488-h325/people_students-in-lab-with-teacher_landscape.jpg" width="488" /></a></div><p>I am now vaccinated, and while my husband is not and still won't let me leave the house, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don't get me wrong, I am excited by the light, I am moving toward the light. But I'm also kind of dreading it, like maybe the light is the end of all things and the beginning of a new/old life in which I will once again have to figure out where we will park when we visit that museum and be sure to pack snacks and sunscreen just in case. </p><p>We've never been a very "active" family. Each one of us four is perfectly content to stay home, do our own thing, live in our own head, and just chill. If any of us are going to go anywhere and/or do anything, or have any kind of rules or order or good habits, that falls upon me, as The Mom. The Mom may or may not have any particular skills to organize anything or anyone, but what The Mom has is a full tank of Guilt, acquired from a lifetime of womanhood. That guilt either fuels action or it spontaneously combusts at random intervals. For The Mom, powered by Guilt, every other day is New Year's, with all its regrets and resolutions to do better. And there's so much inspiration all around. Sally next door has a chore chart. Susie on Facebook does a week of healthy meal prep every Sunday night. Lori's family does a new hike every Saturday. </p><p>This past year has been one of lowered expectations on every front. Yes, all those Moms out there are still living their best lives somehow, but at least I've had an excuse. This is a freaking emergency, people! People are dying out there! You people and your outings are downright irresponsible! And what bearing do screen time limits have on human survival? Why not finish each day with a bowl of ice cream? Who is hurt if everyone wears the same clothes for a week? No one dies from that. In addition, I haven't been able to work as much, so there's no point in fretting over my career trajectory. There have been no houseguests to clean up for. I can't do a bunch of charity work or serve in my church. There are no parties at which to look good and be charming. It hasn't hurt that on the COVID risk tolerance scale, with Donald Trump on one end and Dr. Fauci on the other, my husband is Dr. Fauci's survivalist twin brother with a light case of paranoid personality disorder and OCD. We literally go nowhere and do nothing. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitZYPtFpMni1-JMgfZdNplkrzF7QcF8bW9lZTDTEZFsjxNRzNZ8Gl6WlooDwLuWPfyzKkDjlzjy1rG3EwK9idStE26SXyP-D-mKInhyv1LqbYQN4T4iZ3nPxoBQemYUHczxSY89ClTOGw/s1200/Dr.-Anthony-Fauci.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="957" data-original-width="1200" height="371" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitZYPtFpMni1-JMgfZdNplkrzF7QcF8bW9lZTDTEZFsjxNRzNZ8Gl6WlooDwLuWPfyzKkDjlzjy1rG3EwK9idStE26SXyP-D-mKInhyv1LqbYQN4T4iZ3nPxoBQemYUHczxSY89ClTOGw/w465-h371/Dr.-Anthony-Fauci.jpg" width="465" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p>And while I realize that for a lot of people and their kids, there has been a high cost in terms of mental health, we have done just fine. Better than fine. I honestly think all of us are happier. The kids are in absolute heaven, basically having their run of this house. They are able to see a few friends, and that seems to be enough. My husband is equally content. He prefers to live with no set schedule and few social obligations. I am more social, and I do miss hanging out with friends and family, having waitstaff tend to me during a meal on occasion, and going to sporting events, plays, and concerts. I miss traveling, especially internationally. I miss Africa. I really, really, really miss my kids being in school. And frankly, my husband being at work. I used to have days at home alone, and it was wonderful. I got stuff done, or just enjoyed the solitude. </p><p>But I think all of us are enjoying a simpler life. We are locked up, but more free in a way. We have more grace for ourselves and each other. I'm sure we will one day reimpose some kind of screen time limits and plan some outings. Maybe. But I hope we--or really I--carry forward the knowledge that we don't have to in order to live a meaningful life. I don't have to. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1YnfQ1Toy1XZ7ostImOV_cS6DkP3pFUPjGfQz2f1pMggEwNUYAAiISdvqh3uZreZPtqSzzicU2pX2QrVcpq_itnkqDQorLx8w60x6rnS7o7W1SRpXnbiu-9YjZ910zE9lvERjdobrw4w/s1280/young-woman-lounging.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="309" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1YnfQ1Toy1XZ7ostImOV_cS6DkP3pFUPjGfQz2f1pMggEwNUYAAiISdvqh3uZreZPtqSzzicU2pX2QrVcpq_itnkqDQorLx8w60x6rnS7o7W1SRpXnbiu-9YjZ910zE9lvERjdobrw4w/w550-h309/young-woman-lounging.jpg" width="550" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p><br /></p>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-15070673813586733602021-02-17T21:55:00.001-05:002021-02-17T22:11:14.679-05:00Staggering Wisdom On An Area of Immense Expertise<p> As you may know, I am absolutely, stunningly, perfectly beautiful in every way, except for one fatal flaw:</p><p>No, not my nose, thanks for playing.</p><p>My acne? OK, two fatal flaws.</p><p>My weak jaw? Hmm, maybe I'm not that beautiful after all...</p><p>My rather spotted, melanoma-looking British skin? Now you're just being mean...</p><p>My lopsided boobs? SIGH. I AM A FREAKING CIRCUS ACT. </p><p>NO, everyone, although I do appreciate the tour of my hideousness, my foundational physical flaw is--</p><p>MY CANKLES. </p><p>Yes, it's winter, that's probably why you missed them. </p><p>You can read more about them <a href="http://www.motherhoodforthephobic.com/2010/03/cankles.html" target="_blank">here</a>, but a quick explanation--a cankle is really the absence of an ankle resulting from a calf running headlong, full-speed into a foot without slowing down. That's a human calf, as in the lower leg, not a baby cow, although I suppose a cankle does also resemble a baby cow running into a human foot. </p><p>There are two ways to acquire a cankle, one, by amassing fat deposits there, and the other, by being fathered by my dad. My dad is a lovely man who is very attractive, but he has an incredibly domineering gene for a combination of large bones and excessive ankle muscle (and probably a wee bit of fat, too, hard to say) that creates a cankle even on a very thin person. The proof of this latter point is that my sister has cankles, despite the rest of her looking like a chain-smoking 90's super model. I myself, while not that thin, am not overweight, and I, too, have cankles. Incidentally, I am sure that if my parents had had two sons, both of them would have gotten my mother's sinewy, tiny ankles, so dainty they look as if a Yorkshire Terrier could bite her feet right off. And don't think our family's Yorkie didn't think about it. That dog was vindictive. </p><p>Having lived 46 years attached to these monstrosities, I have, in fact become an expert at dressing/disguising them. So today, I will impart that enormous wisdom to you, in case there is any one else so afflicted who is still attempting to wear kitten heels. (Please note, my advice is geared toward genetically-derived cankles, not obesity-caused ones, although my advice might work for that sort, too, proceed at your own risk.)</p><p>First, NEVER WEAR KITTEN HEELS. When you have cankles, shoe choice is a matter of life and death, and kitten heels are certain, humiliating death. To explain why, a general rule: The larger the shoe, the closer to God, and the smaller your cankle will appear. If you balance your cankle on some minuscule thing resembling a golf tee, it will appear like you have chopped down a redwood tree and balanced it atop a toothpick. NO kitten heels.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFibE-8KmGCWYUFp1j-0EljNIGCaF6OK2HfigmZXcFQxSYgjVjMysSxGwBk-LdL6msffQYgPt8FlkTfW1NBAEeUQ8MkDaK9Buyr-1JL6ObykVV9EVmbfkTvQCFj7k7kG41JkrsUaXq8TQ/s870/kittenheels2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="575" data-original-width="870" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFibE-8KmGCWYUFp1j-0EljNIGCaF6OK2HfigmZXcFQxSYgjVjMysSxGwBk-LdL6msffQYgPt8FlkTfW1NBAEeUQ8MkDaK9Buyr-1JL6ObykVV9EVmbfkTvQCFj7k7kG41JkrsUaXq8TQ/s320/kittenheels2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This shoe looks like a harmless kitten but in fact will maul you to death and devour your entrails.</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p>Elevating your cankle, however, is a good idea. Personally, I can't wear any heel higher than 2 inches, but I suppose the higher the better, although stilettos would probably look almost as bad as a kitten heel, in addition to posing real dangers, like balancing a two-by-for atop an 80-story chopstick. I wouldn't risk it.</p><p>Your best cankle friend is really a wedge. Now, I understand they come and go in terms of trends, but believe me, you get you some wedges and never let them go, no matter what In Style magazine tells you. A wedge gets your cankle up at an angle, obviously good, and then arranges it next to a large chunk of shoe, the proximity to which will make your cankle look smaller. It's the same reason why I wanted to marry an offensive lineman or an actual refrigerator, which I did not do. Instead, I have generally plied my husband with high-calorie treats in hopes he will gain some weight and cause me to look thinner and hotter by comparison. None of that has worked. He is entirely too good-looking and trim for my comfort, but he doesn't seem to mind appearing in public with me. Also he claims he didn't notice my cankles until I pointed them out. Probably because I wore wedges at all times, including in bed, until we had been married several years. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvbNJeBoDfsif7NI_N-tuloeJWjfYlCGnZeuoewFFTslTrsPj0gV9T9JYFsLK6xWdvHPR4230bcetM7QBNZaLw5bwAypPWWlkfz5T7nHRuMDivcipNq3-s5bFb3P4GuqWzlmZLrX5Q7PE/s1530/WL823177007_M_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1530" data-original-width="1020" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvbNJeBoDfsif7NI_N-tuloeJWjfYlCGnZeuoewFFTslTrsPj0gV9T9JYFsLK6xWdvHPR4230bcetM7QBNZaLw5bwAypPWWlkfz5T7nHRuMDivcipNq3-s5bFb3P4GuqWzlmZLrX5Q7PE/s320/WL823177007_M_2.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This shoe is your BFF. It will wear an ugly bridesmaid dress in both your weddings. </td></tr></tbody></table><p>Now, you can wear flats, I'd just be careful. Even a little bit of a raised heel will help matters. Shape is important. I find an oval-shapped toe is ideal, something in between a round and pointed toe. Neither of those are embarrassingly bad, however. JUST DO NOT WEAR A SQUARE-TOED FLAT. Trust me, this is something you will regret for the rest of your life. I wore a squared-toed flat to a friends wedding once and had to break into her house and destroy all her pictures. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKQlSc4ji_k0Yuey2iSPnFrS2tWtUls7ebytzoBW6ncL1RgnmDPGx4Tt-8iG5Sh2TiEuvIzH6dTYR8tPRoP8V0ZANk_HfxqObNcRGihon5sgrkWiOvRh-l7BFvKkzMADHEBY-rora8MA0/s2048/1236545_fr_2000_q80.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1365" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKQlSc4ji_k0Yuey2iSPnFrS2tWtUls7ebytzoBW6ncL1RgnmDPGx4Tt-8iG5Sh2TiEuvIzH6dTYR8tPRoP8V0ZANk_HfxqObNcRGihon5sgrkWiOvRh-l7BFvKkzMADHEBY-rora8MA0/s320/1236545_fr_2000_q80.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Honestly, no one should wear these. Just banish them from the earth.</td></tr></tbody></table><p>OK, on to Mary Janes/ankle straps. I know, some of you just fainted at the mere suggested of cankles and ankle straps. Generally, you are absolutely right to be terrified, in principle, this is on par with putting a sociopathic, demented reality star in charge of the nuclear codes. I hate to say it, because I love Mary Janes, but most Mary Janes are not going to be your friend, unless they are an actual girl named Mary Jane. If you have cankles, you can still be friends with someone named Mary Jane. But here's the surprising exception to ankle straps--a thin strap that goes right over the area that masquerades as an ankle bone. Even a thicker strap, if it goes just-so over those bones, will give a bit of an illusion that the bones protrude more. Try it out and see if I'm right, spoiler alert, I AM. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7sEd6-zHrsVudB-nVWeMz9OAROpUNb59_Qc9n_SOZTzAJ0ClQq2itxC9TbjmZSdOVhsWt_ckePJcDupazozjPBbc1cAki-mWd9Sm8KlbS2iokfFIXNW9ETGJhKSsjYUdqhhrLxf_4Tgo/s1000/toms_plat_w_blk_metal_5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1000" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7sEd6-zHrsVudB-nVWeMz9OAROpUNb59_Qc9n_SOZTzAJ0ClQq2itxC9TbjmZSdOVhsWt_ckePJcDupazozjPBbc1cAki-mWd9Sm8KlbS2iokfFIXNW9ETGJhKSsjYUdqhhrLxf_4Tgo/s320/toms_plat_w_blk_metal_5.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These are the most flattering shoes I own. I have these in like 7 colors. I ran a marathon in these. Just kidding, but I did give birth in them. OK, no, I didn't. But I thought about it. </td></tr></tbody></table><p>And now we've come to the very painful subject of BOOTIES. So stylish, so cute, so convenient for winter, so versatile, so very, very perilous for cankles. Pick a bootie as carefully as you picked your own spouse (in my case, much more carefully, since I am of the habit of just grabbing a spouse, any spouse, off a shelf in that random aisle in Walgreens that has As Seen On TV products, massive tubs of popcorn, cheap versions of a Barbie, and pinatas. The first time, I got a Chia Pet Donald Trump. The second time I grabbed some Sauna Pants and found a winning lottery ticket in the pocket). </p><p>Back to booties (and if you want a lift for your anatomical one, while I was husband shopping, I saw a product called Booty Pop, As Seen On TV), the main problem is that all of them come up just a snug too high, covering the only hint of a maybe, possible, if-you-squint ankle bone you possess. What you are looking for is a bootie that hits just below whatever slight protrusion you may have. Ideally, you just don't wear booties. Ideally, you don't pop your zits or chain-eat boxes of Girl Scout cookies. But we live in the real world, and I understand the temptation. Sometimes you just want to wear booties, and that's OK. If you must, get as low a shaft as you can find. Or just become a cobbler and make your booties, that's probably easiest. And frankly, don't wear booties with skirts and dresses. I know, I know, I continue to attempt this unfortunate look because other people look so cute. But here's the harsh reality: YOU DON'T LOOK CUTE. Let this dream die. Wear a full-length boot that just covers everything. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinuYolPxlJ-6YjyleqjYuwgq0pfha-xCKdvvuT_-x9CFkjidxINxYOTnpzhuaP9hUm6W7swtXinWSZcePw1ObwurmgIFpCauaHBqAFzsQYFceqWERhoMvSAF51TkUYtmRmLJxG3ha-ziM/s1125/2000193837-Black-96bed04b-.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1125" data-original-width="750" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinuYolPxlJ-6YjyleqjYuwgq0pfha-xCKdvvuT_-x9CFkjidxINxYOTnpzhuaP9hUm6W7swtXinWSZcePw1ObwurmgIFpCauaHBqAFzsQYFceqWERhoMvSAF51TkUYtmRmLJxG3ha-ziM/s320/2000193837-Black-96bed04b-.jpeg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Typical of the genre, these booties come up too high for my comfort. Danger Will Robinson!!!!</td></tr></tbody></table><p>I think that covers shoes, which are the most important issue. Not of our time, just for cankles. Moving on to dresses and skirts. </p><p>First category--straight skirts. The length here should either be well above your knee cap, if you have the rest of the body and age to pull that off, which I don't. Or, they should hit right above where whatever calf you do have flares out, however slightly, which creates the optical illusion of some kind of shape that does not resemble a rectangle. Any lower, and your entire body has become a loaf of bread.</p><p>Fuller skirts--I recommend not too full. A-line skirts are everyone's friend, like Dolly Parton. And nothing shorter than high calf. If you wear a full skirt that hits at the knee or, God forbid, above, you may as well walk around with strobe-lit magnifying glasses over your cankles. Same goes for any sort of mermaid or embellished hem. THIS IS DEATH. DON'T DO IT. Unless it's an actual mermaid tail. That would be ideal because it makes legs irrelevant. Of course, you'd need a wheelchair to get around. Worth it. Or just turn yourself into a mermaid and live in the ocean. Cankle problem solved. </p><p>Very sensitive subject--Capri pants. These seem like the absolute worst idea ever for cankles. What is the point of wearing pants if they don't cover your ankles, right? But capris actually aren't the worst, that would be shorts. I'm not even going to discuss them, they are dead to me. But in warm weather, what are cankles to do. Capris actually can work. I find a straight up-and-down cut, not too narrow, the best option. Choose your shoes extremely wisely. Maybe just tie some bricks on your feet. Or wear these: </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbkN45f9nPSpXj6P76bvsMxLhDZZbx2W8XlW5f9kPRuPiu24eqJ2vK39UkbLKkUT8pDn9KEH7mEddSHnwfvTuprCZJ5cHa39d_vLVIZKmtloee0uL7jwf_3ztC27wYbXS7u2bEGQPghwo/s822/BootsHighMassivePlatform2_1200x1200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="822" data-original-width="822" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbkN45f9nPSpXj6P76bvsMxLhDZZbx2W8XlW5f9kPRuPiu24eqJ2vK39UkbLKkUT8pDn9KEH7mEddSHnwfvTuprCZJ5cHa39d_vLVIZKmtloee0uL7jwf_3ztC27wYbXS7u2bEGQPghwo/s320/BootsHighMassivePlatform2_1200x1200.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Her ankles look TINY, y'all. </td></tr></tbody></table><p>And that concludes my lecture on Cankle Fashion. I guarantee you, you will not find any better advice anywhere on the entire internet on this topic, probably because, based on my research (i.e. closely examining every pair of exposed ankles I see), only about 1% of the female population has true cankles. So I am basically writing this for my sister, myself, and like one other person. But that's OK, because that is the beauty of the internet. If there are any people suffering from an affliction anywhere in the world, they can find the other six people and form a community and maybe figure out how to become mermaids or move the Arctic circle. </p><p>Let me know if you have any questions. </p><p><br /></p>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-5291423202938735312021-02-03T21:49:00.001-05:002021-02-03T21:49:59.210-05:00Adrenaline Junkie<p>The most dramatic, terrifying part of my day is about 5:30 pm. Every single day. I see the clock tick forward, my palms begin to sweat, my armpits become little mini hot tubs, my heart quickens, and a faint nausea sweeps in like a tide, as it dawns on me that</p><p>I AM BEING STALKED BY A MAN-EATING LION </p><p>AND ALSO</p><p>I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO FOR DINNER.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/3o6oziQWrYvgmYDAOc/giphy.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="320" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/3o6oziQWrYvgmYDAOc/giphy.gif" /></a></div><br /><p>This is the scariest, worst, most terrible nightmare that nonetheless occurs literally like clockwork every single day. </p><p>Because apparently when you get your lady parts, they come with the eternal responsibility for feeding everyone. It's probably right there on the X chromosome. Also on that same chromosome is an adoration of small children, a high tolerance for the smell of feces, and the desire to make everything "magical," but I digress. </p><p>The panic I feel is really irrational, and can't possibly be related to my overall mental health, because as you all know, I am terribly well adjusted. So I'm gonna posit another completely baseless, non-scientific theory that happens to explain everything perfectly, as I am fond of doing. </p><p>I think somewhere in my ancestral, cave-man, human DNA, not only do I feel like it's my responsibility to feed people, but I still believe people's lives are literally at stake here. If I fail in my womanly duties, my family will die and the whole point of my existence will be in question. I think in fact it's the same absurd fear I felt while attempting (and failing at) breastfeeding. We won't go into it here, because it is a painful subject I've written about at <a href="http://www.motherhoodforthephobic.com/2011/02/lies-la-leche-league-told-me.html">length</a>, but the bottom line is this is why I really, really hate Tom Brady. You didn't see that coming did you, but Yes, there is a connection, her name is Giselle Bundchen, and I would really like to blast both of them into the sun, and he had BETTER NOT win another Super Bowl on Sunday. </p><p>OK, this is really getting off topic. "Breastfeeding" is like some kind of trigger word that sends me into a homicidal trance during which I cannot be responsible for my actions. And no, if you are a breastfeeder I don't hate you, but you shouldn't care anyway because this entire F-ing culture worships you like some kind of goddess, including, inexplicably, many feminists even though breastfeeding is a major detriment to gender equality. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoidhZP1uP-W0WgVvAegPakNiPwhtdvtLFAZyhyphenhyphenqANMzMpyB2lg4boUM7dzwVNdZWrJeQgMy_rpHkXg6K0-7JgbrqyHYrWXBfzkw6d61osXIs0fhvNsiotCF1XRHEeO0-RfWCVBNjMu1E/s1000/Gisele-Bundchen-Vivara-2020-Jewelry-Campaign01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoidhZP1uP-W0WgVvAegPakNiPwhtdvtLFAZyhyphenhyphenqANMzMpyB2lg4boUM7dzwVNdZWrJeQgMy_rpHkXg6K0-7JgbrqyHYrWXBfzkw6d61osXIs0fhvNsiotCF1XRHEeO0-RfWCVBNjMu1E/s320/Gisele-Bundchen-Vivara-2020-Jewelry-Campaign01.jpg" /></a></div><p></p><p>Breathe, Holly, Breathe. It's gonna be fine. Giselle can't actually have the UN arrest you for using formula. Also your kids are like huge now and can even use the microwave. They don't, but they can.</p><p>OK. Back to non-mammory feeding of families. My 21st century American DNA has not caught on to the fact that not only do we have like 6 grocery stores, 20 restaurants and an assorted other food-peddling places within a couple of miles of our house, not only do each of these places have enough food to feed Lesotho or even Eswatini (minus the King, he consumes most of that country's food I think), we also have other things like Amazon Fresh, Door Dash, Grub Hub, and Post Mates. Relax, no one is going to die of starvation around these parts. </p><p>Nonetheless, like Elizabeth Warren, I persist, in this case pretending I am being chased by a serial killing man-eating lion every day at 5:30. </p><p>I know what you're thinking. Why don't you plan ahead? Figure out what you are cooking, buy the ingredients, and then just follow the plan. </p><p>You are such a fool, I can't believe we are even friends. </p><p>First of all, obviously, I have tried this. I have done this. For an entire week at a time. It took me HOURS to figure out what to cook, given my daughter's special diet of no vegetables/no healthy food/nothing homemade, my husband's special diet of no unhealthy food/no fatty food/nothing processed and my son's diet of taquitos and bacon. But I did it, it worked, it felt good. But then THE WEEK ENDED. And there was no plan anymore. Do you see? </p><p>So why don't you just make another plan? Or just repeat that same plan over and over?</p><p>What are you, some kind of Rain-Man-type individual except with regard to organization? You're telling me I need to come up with a plan every single week, maybe on the same day of the week, over and over and over. </p><p>Or you could just repeat the same one? </p><p>Repeat it. You are a freaking comedian. </p><p>The people here will riot. They only eat 3 foods but you have to put them in different forms or shapes or like in costumes so that people here believe they are not the same foods and yet are the same foods. You see? </p><p>And also-- if I have a set day of the week on which is do my meal planning, you realize what will happen then, don't you. Instead of having small panic attacks every day at 5:30, I'll have one massive one, that I may not survive, on that one day of the week. </p><p>Now, I am sure you have many other "genius" solutions for me, but you really are not getting the overall point. Which is this:</p><p>I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. LIKE AT ALL. I DON'T WANT TO FEED PEOPLE. I NEVER WANTED TO FEED PEOPLE. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/cOcpNpYuz0t6KKRO3O/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="480" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/cOcpNpYuz0t6KKRO3O/giphy.gif" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p>And yet I still feel I should. </p><p>I got like half an X chromosome, the part that feels guilty for everything, without the other half, which makes you want to do something about it. </p><p>This is a problem that no meal planning or Real Simple magazine or any of you people, no offense, can fix. You all got your full X chromosomes, didn't you. I'll tell you another person who did, that Giselle, as well as a horrible personality and a husband who cheats at football. </p><p>The good news is it is cheap high drama around here on the regular, and there is nothing better than that 7 pm rush of surviving the dinner hour. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRqAfEBeR2K1WsYwQZBVnsvYoCPjUdZsskK1HOtzZcKuyNmo40Pyw-mrkFxRMUCtOoWaFukgW4EcPXtSiy71hmI375Q4NjzH_ppQ0i7QiRLSdsOWM6D6ZcV4Qa1RW-cXb94j1j35aTlWo/s1067/Hanks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="462" data-original-width="1067" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRqAfEBeR2K1WsYwQZBVnsvYoCPjUdZsskK1HOtzZcKuyNmo40Pyw-mrkFxRMUCtOoWaFukgW4EcPXtSiy71hmI375Q4NjzH_ppQ0i7QiRLSdsOWM6D6ZcV4Qa1RW-cXb94j1j35aTlWo/w502-h218/Hanks.jpg" width="502" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-92060110938508472292020-11-20T17:31:00.002-05:002020-11-21T12:54:28.587-05:00..And I'm back. Sort of. <p>I haven't felt like writing much lately. That's because I haven't felt much like myself lately. I have in fact undergone a marked personality change. It's quite serious, possibly fatal. </p><p>As previously documented, I started doing various crafts during this COVID disaster. I have long done crochet, but then I picked up sewing which led to sewing clothes which led to sewing things with zippers and buttons which led to sewing things with piping which led to fabric art which led to painting which led to buying a label maker which led to a craft closet which led to applique which led to pimping up bought clothes AND OMG I STARTED AN ETSY SHOP. </p><p>I know. I told you it was serious. </p><p>I was going to stop once the election was over. You see, without getting into politics, the election has caused me just buckets full of anxiety. You'd think liberal democracy was at stake or something. I would try to read a book or write a post and all of a sudden, the thought of Individual 1 winning the election would hit me, and there went my literacy, poof. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.azquotes.com/picture-quotes/quote-what-a-terrible-thing-it-is-to-lose-one-s-mind-dan-quayle-65-36-19.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="376" data-original-width="800" height="255" src="https://www.azquotes.com/picture-quotes/quote-what-a-terrible-thing-it-is-to-lose-one-s-mind-dan-quayle-65-36-19.jpg" width="542" /></a></div><br /><p>Before I knew it, I was in the guest room sewing a cross-body bag. It helped immensely to stay busy, active, in motion, fingers flying. It burned the anxiety right off like one of those mini torches fancy restaurants use to make creme brulee. Living in an autocracy seemed less scary, especially as those types of governments almost always appreciate women accomplished in the domestic arts. </p><p>But now the election is over (sort of, mostly, I think), and I can't stop crafting. For one thing, people keep buying things from my shop that I have to make (I've made almost -$200 so far!), then there's Christmas gifts to do. But also I can't read anymore, apparently. And as this post is making abundantly clear, I also suck at writing now. Which, inconveniently, is not just my hobby, it is my job. I now suck at my job. Thanks, 2020! At least I have an Etsy shop that pays me -25 cents an hour to fall back on.</p><p>Bottom line is that I am now THAT WOMAN. The mom in that movie <i>One True Thing</i> who makes decorations for all the holidays and seasons and costumes for Halloween and whose career-minded daughter doesn't understand or appreciate until she's dead. The one that eats up everything Martha Stewart is dishing out and doesn't care that she went to prison (the jury was obviously a bunch of jealous people with ugly houses who eat frozen vegetables and don't know how to pronounce "vase"). The lady who has a craft closet with shelves and bins with labels from a label maker. The one who really really needs a dedicated craft ROOM. The one whose bedtime routine includes mining Pinterest for ideas and repeatedly saying to herself, "I could make that."</p><p>The woman I have secretly judged all my life because of her obsession with frivolous and pretty things instead of important things like ideas, policy, books, culture. </p><p>Turns out those ladies were onto something. This stuff is seriously fun, cheaper than therapy (well, if you sell stuff to cover your supply costs, otherwise it can pretty much bankrupt you), and less destructive than alcoholism. And, it's not an either/or proposition! You can love ideas AND crafts! You can craft AND read (Well, I can't at the moment, but technically it's possible)! You can even think about policy or any number of heady things WHILE YOU CRAFT! It's really quite something! </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/mCydWp2Slwt8KugwmX/giphy.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="480" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/mCydWp2Slwt8KugwmX/giphy.gif" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p>Here's the part where I convey some very important life lessons that no one has ever thought of before that I have learned during all this so that you can become a better person like me (you're welcome):</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/1SszXVQad7oMgwSwXz/giphy.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="269" data-original-width="480" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/1SszXVQad7oMgwSwXz/giphy.gif" /></a></div><p>-Judge not lest you be judged, or lest you become the very same person whom you are judging. This is actually a lesson The Lord has tried in vain to teach me many times, and we'll see if I've actually learned it this time. If I didn't learn it after I ended up voluntarily in a Hooters 27 minutes after giving a seriously lit diatribe against Hooters, I may not learn if after literally transforming myself into a person I previously judged. </p><p>-You can teach an old dog new tricks. It's actually very easy. You lock them in their home for months on end during a raging pandemic and a once-in-a-generation test of democracy, and then they desperately look around for new tricks to learn to avoid going insane. Oh but FYI the actual old dog locked in the house with them will learn nothing. Scratch that, he will learn to beg for food at all hours of the day. Sometimes at night. </p><p>-You can have zero artistic talent and find some form of art that you can do. Seriously. And it is good for the soul. Seriously.</p><p>-Just because you learned to read at one time, doesn't mean you'll still be able to read later. I mean, you'll be literate, technically, but you won't retain more than one sentence at a time. What I'm saying is don't count on just being able to pick up a book and read it willy-nilly after months away. </p><p>-Fabric is laced with an addictive substance and is also not cheap, and unless you find a way to manage it, it will destroy your life. Do NOT start buying it without a damn good plan. </p><p>-I need another room in my house for doing crafts and arts and things. Also a better sewing machine. More fabric. </p><p>-Lastly, each of us are miraculous houses with many rooms to explore and a thousand wonders to behold. Keep opening the doors, trying new things, see what is there. Surprise yourself with yourself, which makes no sense, but I think it's pretty deep if you think about it, to the point where Oprah is jealous she didn't think of it first. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5FVy8H2MjeSjRITYRjm1cI1_5Bg57jB4XxvSfdgnk6m5XtEs-FqCXltE753b4UjxTe3mXrmzZzJ6gaGz8sS60YbhqX4UD1qRE0PNdHhWLTVwpkIdYF56P63VDqdH1PP8mwg_HO6lHRCg/s985/Inspiration-Secrets-to-Surviving-Anything.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="457" data-original-width="985" height="251" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5FVy8H2MjeSjRITYRjm1cI1_5Bg57jB4XxvSfdgnk6m5XtEs-FqCXltE753b4UjxTe3mXrmzZzJ6gaGz8sS60YbhqX4UD1qRE0PNdHhWLTVwpkIdYF56P63VDqdH1PP8mwg_HO6lHRCg/w543-h251/Inspiration-Secrets-to-Surviving-Anything.jpg" width="543" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-68363125633715324272020-08-31T10:13:00.000-04:002020-08-31T10:13:27.091-04:00Another Family Outing Fail<p> I swear I don't know how you people do this. Leave the house and do stuff. After our latest fiasco, it honestly blows my mind and I have so many questions. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/QjIz1AqkGTszK/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="232" data-original-width="300" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/QjIz1AqkGTszK/giphy.gif" /></a></div><p>Who decides you are leaving the house? </p><p>Who chooses what you are doing?</p><p>Who puts on all the family members' shoes and gets them into the car AT THE SAME TIME? (I am convinced that part is not humanly possible). </p><p>Who keeps your bike tires aired up and loads the bikes onto the trailer?</p><p>Who knows how to use the trailer?</p><p>Who procures the trailer and all the bikes?</p><p>Who teaches the children how to ride the bikes?</p><p>Who convinces the children (and the occasional adult) that bike riding is fun?</p><p>Who remembers to bring the bolt that connects the tandem bike to the adult bike for the child that doesn't know how to ride a bike? </p><p>Who melts down in the parking lot when it becomes apparent that she forgot that bolt before driving 20 minutes away to a bike trail? </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/4JSAHpxQwix0f9kt7Z/giphy.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="180" data-original-width="320" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/4JSAHpxQwix0f9kt7Z/giphy.gif" /></a></div><p>Ultimately, to deflect from my own massive failure, I'm left to ask:</p><p>WHO DECIDED FAMILIES HAD TO RIDE BIKES TOGETHER???? </p><p>Y'all, I am just not good at this. My husband isn't either. That is all. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.pinimg.com/736x/ec/ac/02/ecac020f918319d73d9f39c80f2978ac--chevy-chase-christmas-vacation-griswold-christmas-vacation.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="600" src="https://i.pinimg.com/736x/ec/ac/02/ecac020f918319d73d9f39c80f2978ac--chevy-chase-christmas-vacation-griswold-christmas-vacation.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-22177522183489562252020-08-08T22:42:00.019-04:002020-08-08T22:56:06.139-04:00How To Speak Your Pre-Teen's Language<p><span style="font-family: inherit;">As your child nears his or her teens, you may find it more and more difficult to communicate. In fact, you may feel like they are speaking another language. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: center;">That's because they are. They are speaking Hamiltonese. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: center;">This is a new language inspired by the musical <i>Hamilton</i>, which has now been memorized by every pre-teen in America (and to be fair, many adults). Its popularity with this age group defies logic. Children who don't like history, politics, economics, old things, old people, long movies with little action, wigs, ruffles, buckles, dancing, music that is produced by actual instruments, singing that does not sound like a robot or dying cat, or anything that is liked by adults--those same children are watching <i>Hamilton</i> on loop. When they are not watching it, they are listening to the soundtrack. When they aren't listening to the soundtrack, they are singing it (badly). When they aren't singing it they are rapping it (also badly). When they aren't rapping it, they are researching how Lin-Manuel Miranda became THE COOLEST PERSON ON THE PLANET. </span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoHvBT1OZPMOUxMpIL7i1qwfm3RxZrrOZUzKzIFpQuPhkJntgSH5hRMBrW_Cl7gn4UG0Im1Y2uqU7XxChxsW529zRwbbuj5mHQNyn4OMe0RNZsCVNfNh7NAaMqzjGkeXhRnGnKSL7zzLQ/s390/king.jpg" style="display: block; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 1em 0px;"><img border="0" data-original-height="390" data-original-width="377" height="390" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoHvBT1OZPMOUxMpIL7i1qwfm3RxZrrOZUzKzIFpQuPhkJntgSH5hRMBrW_Cl7gn4UG0Im1Y2uqU7XxChxsW529zRwbbuj5mHQNyn4OMe0RNZsCVNfNh7NAaMqzjGkeXhRnGnKSL7zzLQ/w377-h390/king.jpg" width="377" /></a></div><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: center;">Just don't suggest they read an actual book about the actual Alexander Hamilton.</span><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/11MaSmjZDwnzSU/source.gif" imageanchor="1" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px;"><img border="0" data-original-height="380" data-original-width="500" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/11MaSmjZDwnzSU/source.gif" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: center;">My daughter, Charlotte, has gone deep, deep, deep, deep into the world of Hamilton. So deep, I do believe she has dug through the space-time continuum that exists in the earth's core and has in fact visited the year 1776 (where she was stunned to find things being run by white people who did not rap). So deep she now talks about "Lin" as if he is her locker mate. And he might as well be, really, since she's barely seen another child since March. Lin might as well be her BFF, and March might as well be 1776. And the Founding Fathers really were all black. </span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6jnBNWWgny3BGS0pTF2WUj-v3vsNVm15LEj34IGopyMprpNBD0V6jiSjDxciCM8ck9sQ1MhH_DhyM2CCZ7tDwpIjWzWywN0zBUO00EHplhpA_qJKOpUHSyId-uZRVP9UP7VK-8cMyUD8/s1024/Lin-Manuel-Miranda-1024x943.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px;"><img border="0" data-original-height="943" data-original-width="1024" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6jnBNWWgny3BGS0pTF2WUj-v3vsNVm15LEj34IGopyMprpNBD0V6jiSjDxciCM8ck9sQ1MhH_DhyM2CCZ7tDwpIjWzWywN0zBUO00EHplhpA_qJKOpUHSyId-uZRVP9UP7VK-8cMyUD8/s640/Lin-Manuel-Miranda-1024x943.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: center;"><br /></span><p></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: center;">She also peppers her conversation with lines from the show, sung or rapped or simply stated, whether or not they are on their face relevant to the issue at hand. Thankfully, I have seen the show myself a few times and can usually tell what she is talking about. But in case you are among the 17 human beings in America who have not seen Hamilton either on stage or Disney Plus, I am here to help you figure out what the heck your pre-teen is saying to you. Better yet, I will give you a few lines to throw back at them so that they might actually listen to you and do what you say. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: center;">If she says:</span></p><p><span face="" style="background-color: white; color: #2b00fe; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">Hey yo, I'm just like my country</span></p><p><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I'm young, scrappy and hungry</span></span></p><span face="" style="background-color: white; color: #2b00fe; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">And I'm not throwing away my shot!</span><div><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;">You should be fairly worried because it probably means she is either plotting revolution or planning to hack the parental controls on her ipad so she can download instagram.</span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;">If she says:<br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /></span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">I gotta holler just to be heard</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">With every word, I drop knowledge</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;">She is telling you she is (a lot) smarter than you, and you are really missing out by not listening to what she has to say. <br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /></span><br />If she says:<br /><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">Can I be real a second?</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">For just a millisecond?</span></span><br />Stop whatever you are doing and engage. While it's possible she's just going to burst into a rap about George Washington's military disadvantage during the Revolutionary War, she may actually have something important to tell you about her present-day life. <br /><br /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">If she says:</span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">I am inimitable</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">I am an original</span></span></div><div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial;"><span style="background-color: white;">She's saying she is way more awesome than you can imagine and you really just don't appreciate her. Just don't ask her what "inimitable" means. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">Then I'm willing to wait for it</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">I'm willing to wait for it</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">She won't ever say this, so don't bother with it.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">He exhibits no restraint</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">He takes and he takes and he takes</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">And he keeps winning anyway</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">He changes the game</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">He plays and he raises the stakes</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">Her brother is driving her crazy and possibly cheating at Super Smash Bros, and she is on the verge of challenging him to a duel. Hand her the nerf guns and stay out of it. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">Watch your tone</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">I am not a maiden in need of defending, I am grown.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">This is the classic "Stop treating me like a child even though I am by all definitions a child." Also, you don't need to challenge another parent to a duel, she'll work it out herself. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I wasn't aware that was something a person could do</span>.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">She may say this in response to being told to put away her laundry, eat vegetables, do her homework or any number of things she has no intention of doing without being forcefully overthrown by colonists. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">OK, now here's where it gets good, because here's where YOU learn to speak Hamiltonese, and your child might confuse you for Lin-Manuel Miranda and subsequently hang on your every word. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">When you want to remind them who is in charge around here and/or hint at the possibility or mild violence:</span></div><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">And when push</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">Comes to shove</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">I will send a fully armed battalion</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">To remind you of my love!</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;">OR<br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /></span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><div><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">And no, don't change the subject</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">Cuz you're my favorite subject</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">My sweet, submissive subject</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">My loyal, royal subject</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever..</span></span></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://media.giphy.com/media/XdJuh2U4GUlTD45qmJ/source.gif" imageanchor="1" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px;"><img border="0" data-original-height="431" data-original-width="800" src="https://media.giphy.com/media/XdJuh2U4GUlTD45qmJ/source.gif" /></a></div><div>*Flying spittle is a highly effective added touch. </div><div><br />OR<br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><br /></div><div><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Dying is easy, young man. Living is harder.</span></span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" />When you are trying to get your child to do their chores or at least clean up their own damn crap:</div><div><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">I cannot be everywhere at once, people</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">I'm in dire need of assistance...</span></span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><br />OR<br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><br /></div><div><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">We are a powder keg about to explode</span></span></div><div><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I need someone like you to lighten the load. So?</span></span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" />When you want to be inspirational or supportive like Oprah but you know if you try to say it in English and not Hamiltonese it will be met with eye rolls and sighs:</div><div><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Look around, look around at how lucky we are</span></span></div><div><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">To be alive right now</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;">*This one particularly good when they ask you to buy more stuff or clean their plate; works as an updated version of, "There are starving children in Africa."<br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">I don't pretend to know</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">The challenges you're facing</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">The worlds you keep erasing and creating in your mind</span></span></div><div><br /></div><div>When you need to convey important life lessons about not being insufferable:</div><div><br /></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">Why do you assume you're the smartest in the room?</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">Why do you assume you're the smartest in the room?</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">Why do you assume you're the smartest in the room?</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">Soon that attitude may be your doom!</span></span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" />Or just basic science/karma:</div><div><br /></div><div><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Ev'ry action has its equal, opposite reactions</span></span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" />When you are tired of people whining and you want to be left the heck alone:</div><div><br /></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">I wanna sit under my own vine and fig tree</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">A moment alone in the shade</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">I look back on where I failed</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">And in every place I checked</span><br style="font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;" /><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;">The only common thread has been your disrespect</span></span></div><div><span face="" style="background-color: white; font-family: helvetica, verdana, arial; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;">When she is procrastinating on her homework:</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I'm looking for a mind at work</span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;">When you need to say NO, you can't do that:</span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX75kgHsISW5TU-S5ByK8Sc_ORTylsKW4vKPcPbROMju_f3W8B45a_4XsAn73BZL7u48TIHQAAiM0Y-QHnrGuDmWrHV1TdDaoMP33yW0ZlAXqrmUPacOfADA3bqui6DJaAcznyAPHfhwA/s1910/hamilton.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px;"><img border="0" data-original-height="997" data-original-width="1910" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX75kgHsISW5TU-S5ByK8Sc_ORTylsKW4vKPcPbROMju_f3W8B45a_4XsAn73BZL7u48TIHQAAiM0Y-QHnrGuDmWrHV1TdDaoMP33yW0ZlAXqrmUPacOfADA3bqui6DJaAcznyAPHfhwA/s640/hamilton.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><span style="background-color: white;"><br style="text-align: center;" /></span>Of course, none of this is likely to work because you are not Lin-Manuel Miranda nor Alexander Hamilton. Which really means Lin-Manuel Miranda needs to get to work and start brainwashing our kids to do other things besides rap-argue about the National Bank and the rules of dueling. Hey Lin, how about a musical called "Listen To Your Mom," "Mom Is A Genius," "Electronic Devices Will Fry Your Brain," "Hang Up Your Wet Towel," or "Read A Damn Book"? </div><div><br /></div></div>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-61331602903453690702020-06-24T22:09:00.000-04:002020-06-24T22:09:01.141-04:00Send HelpEverything is fine here. Everything. The sky is blue, the hydrangeas are in bloom, and the slimy weight of July has yet to fully descend. I have no real problems. I have money, food, housing, and health. <br />
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Also, I have the most amazing family, and I've loved every second I've gotten to spend with them the past few months. My husband is very handsome, kind, and funny. My kids are decently behaved, despite being raised without rules of any kind. The dog is adorable and doesn't shed. <br />
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Everything is fine here. My husband retains enough of his good looks and hair to cause me to swoon so hard I hardly notice the empty boxes of things he inexplicably leaves in the cabinets and freezer or his migration around the house while he takes work calls. I'm so thankful he is extremely health conscious and makes nutritious smoothies in the blender, which is really not that loud, several times a day. I use it, too, but it sounds different, almost musical, when I use it.<br />
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The intense blue of his eyes easily distracts me from the way he insists on always being there, but not in a figurative way. He is literally just there, as well as here, in this room and also that room, I swear at times simultaneously. He is never not there. Which is so wonderful, because, from the day I first met him, I never wanted to spend even a minute apart. It only look 18 years, but I finally have my wish. Now there are even more used forks and cups left out for intended but rarely realized reuse, and each of them is an adorable, quirky love letter to me. As are the piles of clothes at the foot of the bed brilliantly organized into the following categories: Recently clean, Clean at one point, Did I wear this in the last week, and Dirty but I can't commit. He's so funny. I never tire of his jokes, especially now that I hear them so much more frequently. <br />
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Not to mention he has single-handedly saved us all from the COVID, with his Dr. Fauci-like protocol, hand-washing oversight, and rinsing and reheating of the take-out. I prefer my salads wilted and my meats dry anyway, and there's really no way I would properly wash my hands without supervision. It is so sweet how much he cares that I remain alive.<br />
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Everything is fine here. The kids are so good about following a schedule without assistance. They wake up early (in Fiji) and glide seamlessly from movies to TV shows to You Tube to Wii to Switch to iPad to Kindle Fire. I don't even have to remind them. They can even scoop their own ice cream, they're so productive. The best part is I know where they are all times because they are in my house. I don't ever have to worry about pedophiles or rabid dogs anymore. I don't have to worry about them hurting themselves doing any form of physical activity. It's such a relief. Just to keep life interesting though, they do change rooms frequently. They are diligent about watching both TVs, sometimes at the same time, in order to ensure they are both working. Same with the various plugs around the house. You can't have too many charging stations, and now we know that all the plugs in our home are in working order.<br />
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Everything is fine here. I have no real problems, and I have plenty of time to do all the chores three or four times and cook gourmet meals, if I want to (I do not). I have time to wait on everyone hand and foot, and they all deserve the extra attention (they kind of do not). They are all so beloved, there is really no reason why I would be angry every time one of them enters a room where I have gone to avoid unidentified other people for unknown reasons because all the people here are wonderful and I love them all so very much. There is no reason that I would have flown into a rage the other day and impulsively dragged a desk and chair into the guest room and proclaimed it my office. That is silly, because I have no work to do! It's like I have a pretend job, how precious. My family members are all very nice and well-adjusted. There is no reason why their sweet, human touch would cause me to recoil. There is no reason why I wouldn't want to spend all my time in a massive dog pile of human affection. <br />
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Everything is really just fine. It turns out the dog isn't really obese, he just needed a hair cut. It turns out he didn't have separation anxiety, either. What a relief to know that he is just crazy all the time, and we don't have to feel guilty about leaving the house. Which we will totally do again someday. <br />
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Everything is 100% fine here. I am an extrovert, and while I miss some friends, a lot of them were annoying and maybe this will reset things and I can start fresh with the ones I actually like. Also zoom is really fun, it's almost like being trapped in a really boring video game with bad lighting.<br />
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Everything is fine here. I just have something in my eyes that is causing me to blink and wink. If you discern some meaning in the movement of my eyelids, like a pattern or code, you are surely mistaken. I am not sending you any kind of desperate message. There is no reason why I would want you to intervene in any way. I am smiling because everything is fine, and I would hate for you to think otherwise, break into my house while everyone is sleeping, and whisk me off to a cabin in Montana, at which point you would leave because I am also struggling to tolerate you (no offense). I would absolutely hate that, because everything is fine here and I am a people person, I love people. So please don't take me to Montana. I hear it is terribly temperate this time of year and also there are hardly any people there. It sounds horrible and lonely.<br />
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So please, just go on about your day. Everything is absolutely fine.<br />
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<br />hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-13335780537121741512020-05-22T18:38:00.000-04:002020-05-22T18:38:08.380-04:00The Real Busy Bodies of Arlington County<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Greetings everyone from beautiful Arlington, Virginia! Let me say right up front--this is truly a wonderful place to live. The public schools are top-notch, the people are engaged and interesting, the environment is verdant and lush, the sidewalks and parks are plentiful and in good repair, the crime is almost non-existent, the houses are well-kept, the gardens are fussed over, the children are (generally) polite, and the dogs are very, very cute. The taxes are high, but you get what you pay for. We have one of the highest education levels in the country and are number two in per capita income by county. And, while I don't have hard data on this (and woe unto any Arlingtonian who makes an assertion without data) but based on observation, Arlingtonians care about those less fortunate (which is pretty much everyone on earth) and donate significant time and money to charity. So big picture--great place, great people, I am super lucky to live here. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Arlingtonians are high achievers. I don't have hard data on this, either, but I don't run into a lot of people from old money/inherited wealth (nor do I meet many people who come from truly humble beginnings; most people are middle class folks). I meet a lot of people who have gotten to where they are primarily through talent and hard work. They expect a lot of themselves. And other people. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You take all this together--energetic, over-achieving people who have high standards and few material problems--and you get one of the highest number of busy bodies per capita in America. And no I don't have hard data on that either because I don't think busy body levels are studied (but they should be). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let me take a moment to define what I mean by "busy body." Webster's offers the extremely charitable definition of "<span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;">an officious or inquisitive person." If you, like me, weren't sure what "officious" means (most Arlingtonians would know), let me save you the research and tell you it means "meddlesome," but I think you'll agree "officious" sounds a lot nicer, like maybe you are efficient or official or maybe officially efficient. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would agree with that definition, but I'm going to break it down a bit more, based on my Next Door research (Next Door is the somewhat infamous neighborhood news app, and let me tell you, Arlington's is EPIC). I think there are actually a few categories of busy bodies, at least as the term applies here. And let me just confess right up front, lest any Arlington friends think I am putting myself above them, I have, at times been a busy body. Not every kind of busy body, but I've had my moments. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1) The Classic Busy Body--that's the person who is very much concerned that your lawn hasn't been mowed on a weekly schedule, or that you take more than a day or two to roll your dumpster off the curb after trash day, or you have painted your house a non-neutral color. These days, all the people walking in the street due to social distancing (not a little bit in the street, but IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET) are very concerning. Full disclosure--I once filed a property line review case with the county because our neighbors were building an absolutely horrific, morally repugnant, view-destroying two-story garage mere inches off our fence line. The fact that it is apparently, shockingly legal does not excuse the total lack of consideration and poor taste that it represents. I have also been known to post about the dangers of off-leash dogs. Because they are dangerous! So there. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;">2) The "My Child Deserves Better" Busy Body--Now, if I were a teacher, there would be many reasons I'd want to teach in Arlington. The kids are generally well-behaved, smart, and come from stable homes. The parents are very engaged. And by engaged, I mean they scrutinize every single thing you do in your classroom and probably have private investigators follow you home, because their children WILL have every advantage in life and you had better be on board with that plan. If you compromise their future by say, handing out candy in your classroom, you will hear from them. Needless to say, this has resulted in some of the saddest classroom parties I have ever seen, in which the kids make holiday snowmen out of rice cakes and celery and try to seem enthusiastic. Similarly if you take an educational approach not supported by the data, you will probably get a lengthy spreadsheet of some kind in your inbox. I</span><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;">n general, this person has serious SERIOUS issues with a school district that is the best in the state and one of the best in the country. If I didn't excuse myself to get another drink when this person launches into their list of complaints, I might have some idea what a complete and utter affront to education the Arlington Public Schools are and exactly how to make them acceptable. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have never been this kind of busy body, because I know for a fact that whatever my kids' teachers are doing, it is far superior than anything I could offer them, and I'd be a remorseless hypocrite to ever even think of a misgiving of any kind, much less express one out loud. My kids come home happy and can read and multiply. Done. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;">3) The Environmental Activist--This person is very, very concerned t</span><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;">hat you use Round Up on your driveway or get your yard sprayed for mosquitoes because don't you know it kills bees. This type of busy body is extremely concerned about bees. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just saying it is a fact. I'm not saying they don't raise valid concerns. But from my standpoint, if something is approved by the FDA and it works, I'm using it. These folks need to lobby the FDA instead of me. That's just my opinion. Now I'll probably get run out of town. These folks also regularly post advice on how to catch and release snakes, rodents, and even insects and spiders in your home without harming them. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4) The Neighborhood Watch--This person has their eye out for anything that seems suspicious or unseemly, and then they assiduously report it on Next Door. Unlike in many places, Arlingtonians will thankfully check their racial biases before reporting, and if they don't--or even if they do, but that man who wasn't wearing pants in the park happened to be African American--so sorry! but he was!--they will get called out by #5, and in fact there will probably be a massive virtual smackdown as a result. Examples of suspicious things include the distribution of non-mainstream religious flyers that could brainwash everyone and turn the entire town into a cult; a black sedan that does not belong to the neighbors that keeps parking on a certain block; kids being loud; dogs being loud; nannies who spend too much time on their phones; people who are caught on Ring putting their dog waste in dumpsters left on the curb (a VERY hot topic); people coming to the door in uniform, with a labeled truck on the curb, claiming to be utility workers but who are probably not utility workers. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;">5) The Virtue Signaler--This person wants all of us to be better people, but mostly they want us to know that they are a very, very good person. Since this is a liberal area, this usually consists of policing for insufficient social awareness and tolerance (the red states have their own version, of course, such as loudly yelling "Merry Christmas!!!!" while carrying several automatic weapons). Which I am all in favor of, really I am. But I'm probably not going to get into a smackdown on Next Door because someone referred to LGBT people instead of LGBTQ people, when the Q is actually very, very important and not using it "erases" people. I'm probably gonna let that one go. </span><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;">However, I will confess to being a Virtue Signaler on occasion. I did it from the right when I was an evangelical, and I do it from the left now that I am more liberal. Old habits die hard, and being morally superior is the most delicious, addictive feeling there is.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In these COVID times, all the busy bodies are in their element. There is SO MUCH to do. The Classics and the Virtue Signalers are all over the mask situation. They have full reports every day on which businesses are doing well and which aren't and urging boycotts of the offenders. And they are outraged OUTRAGED over all the runners not wearing masks. I am a huge fan of masks--because I have a weak jaw, an overbite, and chin acne--but I don't wear them when I run based on data that indicates it is extremely hard to catch the virus when briefly passing by others outdoors. Arlingtonians love data and research, but in this case, they like judging people even better. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;">The Neighborhood Watch keeps an eye on the distance between passers-by, whether those kids really are siblings or not, and, of course, anyone taking advantage of all the extra packages flying around. </span><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;">Porch robberies are likely to rise if we aren't vigilant. Another danger might be people</span><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;"> impersonating UPS drivers. In fact, when you stop to think about it, ALL UPS drivers could be fake UPS drivers. And fake UPS drivers are trouble of some kind. They could join the fake utility workers and just move into your house. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); color: #303336; letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Meanwhile the screams of the "My Child Deserves Better" crowd could be heard audibly when the school board announced that teachers would not be covering new curriculum via distance learning. Never mind that all the children would be similarly disadvantaged. Never mind that the Khan Academy and other online resources exist. Never mind that the teachers are having to revamp their entire jobs on the fly. Never mind that there are parents out there who aren't going to do any of it any way (I wonder who that could be???) This was an injustice on par with Halloween candy. They might as well have injected all the children with coronavirus. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #303336; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;">The Environmental Activists are the only ones at peace. They are reporting daily on increased wildlife sightings and enjoying the drastically lowered emissions. They are still worried about the bees, however. People have more time to spray Round Up. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #303336; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #303336; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(48, 51, 54); letter-spacing: 0.20000000298023224px;">Now that I have no friends left in this town, let me end by saying, again--on the whole, Arlingtonians are very fine people. If they are busy bodies it's because they care, they really, really, really do. </span></span><br />
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<a href="https://giphy.com/gifs/too-much-tT5ReG92SsiWI">via GIPHY</a></span>hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-85765368622780238922020-04-27T14:02:00.001-04:002020-04-27T15:17:57.816-04:00I have no excuse for myself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It is just a fundamental fact that I have nothing pressing to do for the bulk of almost every day now. I can't work from home, and other than doing some daily chores around the house, I have oodles of free time. I have ample opportunity to help my children with their homework, conduct science experiments with them, find educational content for them on the internet, do art projects with them, teach them to cook, get them to run a 5K, play games with them, have them do chores, or do any number of wonderful things that would enrich their lives, make them better people, and build our relationship.<br />
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If you follow me on social media, you know that this is not how I've spent my time. Here is how I've spent my time:</div>
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-I have learned Michael Jackson's Beat It routine</div>
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-I have painted my house</div>
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-I have sewn some clothes </div>
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-I have made memes</div>
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-I have videotaped a quarantine fashion show set to "I'm Too Sexy" </div>
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-I have purchased a ridiculous Yoga Barbie with light-up boobs that I pose for weird photographs around the house</div>
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-I have purchased many other stupid items on Amazon</div>
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-I have rebuilt a massive Ewok Village Lego set from a pile of jumbled up Legos from multiple sets</div>
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-I have written blog posts and social media posts that I think are funny</div>
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-I have made up silly songs </div>
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-I have colored my hair</div>
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-I have tweezed my chin hairs obsessively</div>
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-I have showered on occasion and brushed my teeth at night</div>
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-I have gotten into arguments on Facebook</div>
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-I have eaten a lot of crap</div>
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-I have had numerous solo happy hours</div>
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-I have also done some more edifying stuff, including exercising and reading books and writing more stuff and shaving my dog's butt hole</div>
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It's actually been so. much. fun. I am not a person who ever gets bored. I can always find something to amuse myself, and in fact amusing myself is my very favorite thing. I am living my best life. </div>
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The problem of course is that my kids are also living their best lives, and the child version of that is not the most responsible lifestyle. It includes hours spent sitting around, eating junk, and engaged with various non-educational screens. While I am playing with my Barbie doll, they are up to no good. </div>
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My husband meanwhile is working around the clock at a really important job. He's too nice to just come out and tell me, "Hey, how about you do something with the kids instead of attending your little Holly fantasy camp every day." He'll instead come around and say, "I think maybe we should rethink the screen time limits" or "Don't you think the kids need some exercise?" or "When was the last time Lawson had a bath?"</div>
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So here's the deal. I admit that I have not been doing a good job. I have no excuse for myself. I need to do better. I'm not going to blame enduring patriarchal expectations of women or the makers of video games or today's weather or my anxiety disorder or the virus itself. Nope, I've got only myself. And I haven't been doing all the good things because I simply don't want to. It's really a pretty easy explanation.<br />
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Even during normal times, there's a lot of parenting I don't do simply because I don't want to. I just don't. It's not that I am too busy or tired or stressed. It's not that I don't love my kids. It's just that a lot of the work of parenting--which tends to fall on mothers in most households--is not something that coincides with my natural gifts and interests. Does that absolve me of the responsibility? No. </div>
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But it also doesn't mean I am a horrible person. I think a big part of maturity and self-reflection is being able to take an honest inventory of one's strengths and weakness without falling into the many traps out there--the narcissism trap (I must only focus on my strengths because I can't face my weaknesses); the victim trap (I admit I make mistakes but they are all the fault of someone or something else); the self-loathing trap (my failures define me and negate all of my strengths and even my own self-worth). I myself am especially guilty of falling into the comparison trap--I feel the need to dismiss or belittle the strengths and accomplishments of others as a way of excusing my faults. </div>
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The correct approach is this:</div>
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This is me. </div>
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I am good at this, I do well at this. If I can find ways of doing more of this and applying it to new areas and endeavors, it will benefit myself and others. </div>
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I am not good at that, that is a struggle for me. Most people are better at that than me. Maybe I can ask for help. Maybe I can learn new strategies to cope. Maybe I can work harder to improve in these areas. </div>
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None of it diminishes or bolsters my inherent worth as a person.<br />
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At least that is what I've learned from my Yoga Barbie. Thanks, Cloudy!<br />
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hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-66403265102777430402020-04-07T11:56:00.001-04:002020-04-07T20:40:38.335-04:00Life is Like a Lego Set One of the deeper insights I've ever had is this: Life is like a Lego set. You get a big pile of pieces and think to yourself, There’s no way I’m going to make anything worthwhile with this. But then piece by piece, bit by bit, you create something amazing, astounding, with moving parts and everything, and you are like, I AM AWESOME.<br />
And then a child destroys it.<br />
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That, in a nutshell, has been my motherhood experience, both with regard to my mental health and several actual Lego sets. On the former front, by the time I had my first child, I had been through some things, gone to therapy, gotten myself together, launched a promising career. Our daughter was born, then our son, and it turned out I had more things to go through, needed more therapy and also some medication, had more pieces of myself to gather up, and had launched a career that was less a rocket than a balloon with a a tiny, child-shaped hole in it. While I still work at an interesting, stable job that I'm happy to have, I got my last promotion over a decade ago. And that's fine, no regrets.<br />
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I have, however, built some really, really impressive Lego sets since I had kids. I didn't grow up with Legos, so I never played with them until my kids reached an appropriate age, at which point we acquired multiple sets, none of which they have actually built. They prefer that I build them. They might help for a few minutes, but then they lose interest.<br />
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Which is fine, because as it turns out, I LOVE LEGOS. I find them almost meditative, going through the little book, page by page, bag by bag. Everything is so clear, so nicely laid out, so satisfying. I am not a multi-tasker, and in fact, having too much coming at me triggers significant anxiety. With a Lego set, there is none of that. You don't have to organize anything, you don't have to do multiple things at once, you don't have to plan ahead. It's all broken down for you. You just focus on the page at hand, then the next, then the next. I go into an almost trance-like state when I do a set, and it's hard to even take a break. Then when it's done, you feel like you have made a major contribution to the progress of humanity.<br />
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For my kids, the fun part of Legos is apparently waiting for me to build it, then completely and utterly pulverizing it. It happens slowly, this piece comes off, that joint breaks apart, this mini-figure is cruelly decapitated. At first, I try to repair everything, but then it becomes overwhelming, a flood of destruction and devastation, like the aging process after you get to 43 or so. And, as anyone who does Legos knows, repair can be far more difficult than building from scratch. So the Lego sets sit around looking like a war zone or the ruins of an ancient civilization, bombed out and decrepit.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgEKPWcwudZGzh6BU138X31qw-VIZxDaHC9h93fRwY0todvuqOvPgKrpvEf5tSbnERtz5l7fJfbHlbcDeeexz3LJWrYIypARqSuL0gkDdDIZHjUzEAV_RnUIwGdrvI5D7W_Cv0H9akEAQ/s1600/roman+forum.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="641" data-original-width="960" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgEKPWcwudZGzh6BU138X31qw-VIZxDaHC9h93fRwY0todvuqOvPgKrpvEf5tSbnERtz5l7fJfbHlbcDeeexz3LJWrYIypARqSuL0gkDdDIZHjUzEAV_RnUIwGdrvI5D7W_Cv0H9akEAQ/s400/roman+forum.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ancient ruins or Lego set remnants? Hard to say. </td></tr>
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I at least try to gather the broken bits together and keep them in their own bin for some later date, far in the future, when I will put everything back together again, Jesus returns, and there is a new heaven and a new earth, full of resurrected Lego sets. But then the children find that bin and dump it into a larger bin with a million pieces from multiple sets or maybe they scatter them around the house just to see if this is the thing that finally pushes their mother over the edge of functional insanity into something darker, and it becomes obvious to me that I have completely lost control of my life. I barely know who I am anymore. <br />
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The first time this happened on a grand scale was with the initial large set I did, the Star Wars Ewok Village. It was adorable, because hello, Ewoks. And also it had trees with funky branches and trap doors and a spider web and a cool booby trap thing and a rope ladder and so many things. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWfsgb9j871TeYL-tNb8PpPXHCh9JD0u-oKFA4nf6Lm2gZqBmyxtN7Cil2PtGNW4rfQqJtw1jsppj-5eRcLJ_Pd73wbR6-XGTaU-SBNiwMtNDt-IHq1namhmxyliTa0XDmmuBVE4yXPpI/s1600/ewok+village.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1500" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWfsgb9j871TeYL-tNb8PpPXHCh9JD0u-oKFA4nf6Lm2gZqBmyxtN7Cil2PtGNW4rfQqJtw1jsppj-5eRcLJ_Pd73wbR6-XGTaU-SBNiwMtNDt-IHq1namhmxyliTa0XDmmuBVE4yXPpI/s640/ewok+village.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See, adorable. All 1990 pieces. </td></tr>
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Ostensibly, Santa got it for the kids. Sure, Jan, and there really is a Santa Claus and this cream will get rid of all your cellulite. Santa then spent the rest of winter break gleefully opening bag after bag, gushing over the Ewok mini figures and diligently building them a home out of bits of Danish plastic while the children checked in on occasion. Then, it was finished, and it was glorious. The Ewoks were ecstatic. The children were ecstatic. They couldn't wait to get their hands on the village. And then, like a sadistic Jedi-gone-bad, they laid waste to the Ewok village and razed it to the ground and dismembered all the ewoks and scattered the ashes to the wind. I kept one Ewok for myself, and together we mourned the loss of our civilization and plotted our return in a later trilogy. <br />
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I figured that day would have to wait until the children were grown and I was retired. On bad days, I imagined myself, years from now, old and gray, sorting through bin after bin of loose Legos and meticulously rebuilding the Ewok village and many other sets in peace and quiet, with nothing but time on my side. While other retirees sat around in recliners and ingested 24-hour news channels of dubious integrity like movie popcorn, I would have real purpose in my life. I would live in a constant state of meditation and maybe achieve enlightenment and start a Lego-making cult. It would be beautiful, and if I could just hold on and, for now, stare down the chaos, knowing there was nothing I could do about it in my present life, I would get there one day. <br />
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But then my children started growing up. They started getting to an age where they could understand that a completed Lego set was something sacred to behold. They started to respect the Legos. They started to understand what the Legos meant to me. They started to see that it was not in their interest for their mother go completely insane. And then, this year, they gave me, using my own money, the ultimate lego set. They gave me the Death Star. It has over 10,000 pieces and costs the GDP of Suriname. I wept when I opened it, not only from joy in the moment, but from the anguish of imagining its ultimate destruction. Just like in the movies, the Death Star was doomed.<br />
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<a href="https://giphy.com/gifs/usa-pluto-MLUb2IRXoTUHe">via GIPHY</a><br />
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I considered building it with glue, to thwart the scrappy rebel attacks. But a Lego aficionado friend convinced me that this would be blasphemous, I would basically be admitting I was evil, like the dad in the Lego movies. I did not want to be that guy. I did not want to defile the Legos. So I had an honest conversation with my children. <br />
"Look guys, I'm going to build this Death Star. It's gonna be amazing and beautiful, and I DON'T WANT IT DESTROYED. You can play with it, very carefully. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you can just look at it, in a glass case. Or maybe you can make suggestions about how you want the characters to move through the set, and then I will consider your requests and move them myself, if I deem it safe. The point is, I don't want this thing wrecked like the Ewok village. I am not over that yet."<br />
"Yeah, we know. We feel bad about the Ewok village. We won't destroy the Death Star. We're old enough to appreciate it from afar. We promise."<br />
They seemed to mean it, too. So I started in, without glue or ropes or a safety net of any kind, my heart on a string. I built the Death Star, and it is indeed glorious. More importantly, months later, IT IS STILL COMPLETELY IN TACT.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">THIS IS A LIVE PHOTO OF MY LEGO DEATH STAR. </td></tr>
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Emboldened by the survival of the Death Star, I began to imagine a nirvana much closer in time and space than I presumed, within reach from my present life. What if I didn't have to wait to reconstruct the Ewok village? What if I could do it now? Dare I dream to dream, dare the Ewoks hold a vision in their hearts of a life outside a bin of sad, jumbled Lego components? The only obstacle was time. This would be a huge project, one that would require hours of uninterrupted focus. Where would I find that kind of mental space? <br />
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ENTER A GLOBAL PANDEMIC. I am mostly furloughed from my job. My calendar is clear. I am not a good mother and therefore my kids need little of my attention. I have nothing but time. And multiple bins of Legos. I decide it's time. THE EWOK VILLAGE WILL RISE AGAIN.<br />
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If you are wondering how to reconstruct a Lego set that has long ago been demolished, don't worry. Like a real Danish person, I'm going to take you through, step by step. You can do this. I can't tell you why you will do this, or why I did this, but I can tell you how. <br />
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1) Go through your house and collect all the loose Legos hiding in drawers, non-lego bins, under beds, between couch cushions, taped to walls, flushed down toilets. Look in every nook and cranny and in the nooks and crannies of the nooks and crannies. Leave no stone unturned, because the undiscovered Lego under the unturned stone may be that odd piece that the Lego people made specifically for this set and without it, the whole thing collapses, like a pandemic response without an effective testing regime.<br />
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2) Once you have gathered up all the Legos in designated Lego bins, get out the book for the set (you had BETTER have kept the book in a locked safe. If you did not, I can't help you. You are lost, and you will die, alone, amidst the ruins. Or you can just reorder the book on the website). Go through the master list of pieces at the back of the last book for the set. Familiarize yourself with the pieces as much as you can--dominant colors, shapes, etc. There is no way on earth you are going to remember all the pieces unless you are Rain Man or something, but try to get an general impression that may ring some bells when you proceed to the next step. <br />
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3) OK, this is where stuff gets real. This is the equivalent of assembling the combined allied forces in England before D-Day. You have to go through all the Legos you own. There is no way around it my friends, and it's not particularly fun. Put on some music or maybe an audio book and just solider on. Handful by handful. Pick out any and all pieces that you think might go into the set. If the set has a lot of brown, pick out every single brown piece. Add a healthy dose of those tiny joint-making pieces, every set has those. Also any one-of-a-kind, weird looking pieces. You might not need them but if you do, you'll never see them again if you don't grab it now. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This isn't even all of them.</td></tr>
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4) Once you have a bin of legos that are hopefully, maybe relevant to your task, you set out on your journey. Now, this part is fun, but it is also tedious, as you are still having to look through a massive bin of legos. You will lose some of your eyesight. But it will be worth it. It also helps to sort things a bit, making piles of similar pieces.<br />
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5) Unfortunately, even if you've done a stellar job of sorting and picking and choosing and curating, you're still gonna find that you are missing pieces, because no one is perfect. I had picked out about 80% of what i needed. That left 20% that I had to go dumpster diving for again. If I could skip the piece and look later, I did that. Sadly, sometimes you can't move on with your construction without that crucial piece. Sometimes you have to stop work altogether and go back to Home Depot to get another screw or tool or something. That's life.<br />
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6) As you get towards the end, you'll have some tough choices to make, and you'll have to accept some imperfection. Do you really need to make the speeder and the catapult that go with Ewok village? Can you use a similar piece of a slightly different shape or a very different color? Your set won't be pristine, and that's OK. It's been through some things. It's lived some real life. It's had children. It has some stretch marks. The last Ewok hut of the village ended up like that one house on your block whose owner never mows the grass and paints the outside purple. But you know what, it's fine. As you can see, for all intents and purposes, I did reconstruct the Ewok village.<br />
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And that my friends is an absurd, extended metaphor, which are my favorite kind, of not only motherhood, to return to our original theme, but where we are collectively in this moment. Sometimes you are doing well, living your best life, have things figured out, and then some children or a global pandemic comes along and disrupts things and challenges you like nothing else. Perhaps you have a weakened immune system or extreme extroversion or a natural aversion to motherhood. You aren't cut out for this. And you end up in a million little pieces, scattered around your home or piled in some bins, in chaos and confusion, and you don't know how you will put yourself together into something recognizable again. <br />
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But I'm here to tell you, it will happen. Kids grow up, germs die and/or you adjust to a new normal and find out who you are in a new context. Piece by piece, bit by bit, you rebuild. You won't be the same, you'll have some missing parts or some oddly colored ones. But, if you are creative, you might even end up even better. You might figure out a way to build an actual flushing toilet for the Ewoks or something really cool and tricked out like that (to be clear, I did not do this).<br />
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Just as C3P0 has been returned to the throne the Ewoks put him on because they mistakenly thought he was a deity, you, too, will find your way through whatever it is you are faced with. And we as a nation and society will, too, I promise. </div>
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And that is the secret deep meaning the Legos have to share with you, if you are willing to listen. </div>
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hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-12931087363376724682020-04-03T11:15:00.000-04:002020-04-03T11:24:13.075-04:00My Dirty Little Secret<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I have a confession. My close friends already know this about me, but I try to keep it sort of on the down low. It doesn't really fit with my feminist-not-domestic-not-cute brand. But here it goes. </div>
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I DO CRAFTS.<br />
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LIKE A LOT OF THEM.<br />
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MORE OF THEM ALL THE TIME. <br />
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<a href="https://giphy.com/gifs/esther-williams-x2tP4oWbGQwus">via GIPHY</a><br />
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I know. It's not something I'm proud of, until I make something really really cool, then I am so proud I text my 10 closest friends repeatedly until all of them text back, "Wow, that is really pretty," and then everyone knows what they are getting for Christmas. And then I take it to my husband yelling, "LOOK SEE LOOK WHAT I MADE ISN'T IT AMAZING I AM SO TALENTED AND I DON'T EVEN CHARGE YOU MONEY TO LIVE WITH ME" and he is like<br />
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<a href="https://giphy.com/gifs/reaction-mood-dILrAu24mU729pxPYN">via GIPHY</a><br />
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Here's the difference between me and the good moms, though: I DON'T DO CRAFTS WITH MY CHILDREN. Because that completely defeats the purpose of the crafts, which is to relieve stress and to foster generalized creativity. It's like going on vacation with small children, why in the world would you do that to yourself. You can enjoy psychological torture at home for free. As I am decoupaging something to a picture frame, ALONE, I can be thinking of the my next writing project or pondering the size of the universe or just speaking in soothing tones to myself. <br />
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If you do crafts with children--until they get big of course, but by then, they won't want to do crafts with you, because they never have, and that, in a nutshell, is the entire problem with my parenting approach writ large, regarding almost everything (topic of next blog post)--you don't have space for your own thoughts because you have to hover over the children and ensure that everything is done correctly and that they don't make a huge mess because otherwise people might die. It's very stressful. Unlike Marie Kondo, I don't love mess because then that's just another thing I am responsible for and, as my inner self apparently thinks I am inadequate in the face of any and all of life's challenges, I won't be able to handle that.<br />
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So now we come to the part where I brag about my amazing creations, and if you don't like Pinterest, I would advise you to hit the exits now. <br />
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<a href="https://giphy.com/gifs/RobertEBlackmon-travel-holiday-PhGhQF98OhZUYLPhaM">via GIPHY</a><br />
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OK, for those of you who are still left--First of all, I don't know why you read my blog. You must really love me, like the real me, because for sure you're not getting anything here that helps you in your actual life. Second of all, I give you a tour of my crafts.<br />
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So, it really all began with crochet, which I was forced to learn in the Kenyan primary school I attended. While the boys did I-don't-know-what, maybe learning how to invade and blow up things, the girls learned all kinds of highly useful domestic skills, including crochet, embroidery, knitting and such. For some reason, crochet "took." I mainly have made teddy bears for select friends and family. But lately I have branched out into cooler things like Star Wars and Harry Potter figures. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is R2D2. I would hope I would not have to say that. </td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqS0K9InGOOq5PBu4CMtiCtEiRHDQ-nXlTXX_aA3ubD_d-piafkw2CzgGlj0emFwnoWF6RhNm16UOj39ah7aywUyggh9GQ8nprKZFXSp5bJ56ZnXQYze1giTMI5dUO4qf6g9XKdvTPKmY/s1600/IMG_3531.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="974" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqS0K9InGOOq5PBu4CMtiCtEiRHDQ-nXlTXX_aA3ubD_d-piafkw2CzgGlj0emFwnoWF6RhNm16UOj39ah7aywUyggh9GQ8nprKZFXSp5bJ56ZnXQYze1giTMI5dUO4qf6g9XKdvTPKmY/s320/IMG_3531.jpg" width="194" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is my latest project, Harry Potter. Right now he looks like a one-legged slug of some kind but he will be quite spectacular, I can assure you. </td></tr>
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But my crafting has really taken off in the last couple of years, fueled by a growing obsession with African fabric, which has truly proven to be a gateway drug for all manner of nefarious activities, such as decoupage and adhesive spray.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNoWupEgPK3uhaK7kNPj7jfMdhMoJq51j0W5cU6wil_nJ17j9fqQSim5tM-JrtZz7q_pB8nHDL3TOFd58U_RDqo-v_yv7Ml8BSGqFlePlYtWEZpNo4wenxI3N5rylJJFzd79en4A4M9xU/s1600/IMG_3526.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNoWupEgPK3uhaK7kNPj7jfMdhMoJq51j0W5cU6wil_nJ17j9fqQSim5tM-JrtZz7q_pB8nHDL3TOFd58U_RDqo-v_yv7Ml8BSGqFlePlYtWEZpNo4wenxI3N5rylJJFzd79en4A4M9xU/s400/IMG_3526.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I started out covering blocks of wood with fabric for various decorative and functional purposes. This, by the way, is my favorite Swahili word. It means, basically, "giant CF." </td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPYPtyPRefN51L4yo4Fuy0Y-6qrlz6dVsL_0KkWCLH-X1UVjWFG_hWB2J5xVcDJIQBL_RICY45VkhUX0xGt11EnuIakvLf44-nIUlVFAWCFCXj9iLQN6s5S_tO8qxAwhxJ3o0mCfhTb3w/s1600/IMG_3533.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPYPtyPRefN51L4yo4Fuy0Y-6qrlz6dVsL_0KkWCLH-X1UVjWFG_hWB2J5xVcDJIQBL_RICY45VkhUX0xGt11EnuIakvLf44-nIUlVFAWCFCXj9iLQN6s5S_tO8qxAwhxJ3o0mCfhTb3w/s400/IMG_3533.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Isn't this gorgeous?! A necklace rack!!! Yes, I own necklaces, you are so funny ha ha. Everyone is getting one for Christmas!! </td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4nrTGSO2ENy3FJ0jdICluRTGeDJGOoab9JEkWsJ_xk4DFvK9I22u8kiRxlTQdjaIzKWfXDi-BbCvVcmz_lcMQybN_BGJ0FuK1uEppkLbuoFUtzrQJyMS9zyyjVzBF_r9GB1OAllOP2nE/s1600/IMG_3529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4nrTGSO2ENy3FJ0jdICluRTGeDJGOoab9JEkWsJ_xk4DFvK9I22u8kiRxlTQdjaIzKWfXDi-BbCvVcmz_lcMQybN_BGJ0FuK1uEppkLbuoFUtzrQJyMS9zyyjVzBF_r9GB1OAllOP2nE/s400/IMG_3529.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">OK, so it turns out we are one of those adorable families with our initials on the wall. Look, don't judge, I had fabric to use, people!!! Full disclosure, I did not make the nicer one of these letters. You can decide which one that is.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKWUUY4tQF0FPjPCzuwRHiVXonmiDzXCRzN2V3sx9AAzrhLqfezw-gE7U5qhcHcE-iwHzoNjSjO06VyqQgTwIoJNNcKj6GReZlSJyNASXknliHq1eVUEapZ2KnbhD1_VbI-LkMJ5fsESU/s1600/IMG_3527.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1295" data-original-width="1600" height="323" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKWUUY4tQF0FPjPCzuwRHiVXonmiDzXCRzN2V3sx9AAzrhLqfezw-gE7U5qhcHcE-iwHzoNjSjO06VyqQgTwIoJNNcKj6GReZlSJyNASXknliHq1eVUEapZ2KnbhD1_VbI-LkMJ5fsESU/s400/IMG_3527.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't look too close at this one. Mistakes were made. </td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1bbClbZIGEGnUdCmVVU7tt4G2XQ9O7Xn-e0w7K9VyBfF7UjUTFi_K-BlbmLfn4mU82TSyuOGkEZ6qCWI47gq6hk429SEqcps0hFYoXUVH3dB5AtGtDrh2OaalmxHzkr_r5ysS7yIBCCs/s1600/IMG_3530.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1bbClbZIGEGnUdCmVVU7tt4G2XQ9O7Xn-e0w7K9VyBfF7UjUTFi_K-BlbmLfn4mU82TSyuOGkEZ6qCWI47gq6hk429SEqcps0hFYoXUVH3dB5AtGtDrh2OaalmxHzkr_r5ysS7yIBCCs/s400/IMG_3530.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Eventually, things took a turn to where I was stenciling and painting. I couldn't stop myself.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9do7mGowFxp6nVqGB3HXeFXQ1rjJ4ynUh9GgcmTQvtaJVJ_4O1ZvtO98HhsDDERJQusRWweg9RdL9ZzlRVa4I1PLJ-24MOA-Xj3b9y4jhF1Er5Ev4s8dhGQQERb8TQB9hX1MyeZldHuU/s1600/IMG_3525.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9do7mGowFxp6nVqGB3HXeFXQ1rjJ4ynUh9GgcmTQvtaJVJ_4O1ZvtO98HhsDDERJQusRWweg9RdL9ZzlRVa4I1PLJ-24MOA-Xj3b9y4jhF1Er5Ev4s8dhGQQERb8TQB9hX1MyeZldHuU/s400/IMG_3525.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And eventually I started decoupaging without the African fabric. This is the equivalent of when you stop using mixers and just drink vodka right out of the bottle. </td></tr>
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Once I realized I could not decoupage a skirt for myself, I broke down and bought a sewing machine, which is like hitting rock bottom. If you own a sewing machine, you can no longer pretend to be all cool and undomesticated. You are three Butterick patterns away from being a 1950's housewife. Anyway, I haven't figured out how to make any clothing beyond a simple skirt with elastic. Instead, I have made cushions for everything. We may soon have to get rid of all our furniture and turn our home into one massive African-fabric-themed-cushioned mosh pit or like a middle-eastern-hookah-bar-type-establishment where everyone lounges around on the floor and eats grapes one at a time. </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSOkMw11ICL72qN6Kh5YvFN_IQwF1hhp1qkMkUzdBCdfPB8TIcXwWznYeD-alz5nM5Q5G0B36un85zz6cw5vAghPr2tBx772lKzoTPHVEfClMZnrDoL6f-m0V2gp8jWm7gqWWFl2agtxU/s1600/IMG_3528.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSOkMw11ICL72qN6Kh5YvFN_IQwF1hhp1qkMkUzdBCdfPB8TIcXwWznYeD-alz5nM5Q5G0B36un85zz6cw5vAghPr2tBx772lKzoTPHVEfClMZnrDoL6f-m0V2gp8jWm7gqWWFl2agtxU/s400/IMG_3528.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Crotch shot of the dog is complimentary.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgytbVgNggEQ6belT2ulPdmkAlk8CcP_0xXnq2widT_3eXjqHwCpEq5KZKmS9xgbd29dNmfjK_snUUGtYY_E93DvziJTmxBf0WFxwdg7aUZST-in1NTnC3nlGZq4e4Im2ZPf0o6BnJq_uY/s1600/IMG_3534.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgytbVgNggEQ6belT2ulPdmkAlk8CcP_0xXnq2widT_3eXjqHwCpEq5KZKmS9xgbd29dNmfjK_snUUGtYY_E93DvziJTmxBf0WFxwdg7aUZST-in1NTnC3nlGZq4e4Im2ZPf0o6BnJq_uY/s400/IMG_3534.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cushion</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTcC45Q0LWveafwLvh3LVgiDYDCB_dE8MAJGoW8hCPwqc0j4WrqJSJSRiZhve_DvbmIWCQFVFm2TSoGSDTpdxdQGqevcEFERsmrTN649MJLNBVJ7wny6LQRtjWJn90yKOxopy722rX62U/s1600/IMG_3535.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTcC45Q0LWveafwLvh3LVgiDYDCB_dE8MAJGoW8hCPwqc0j4WrqJSJSRiZhve_DvbmIWCQFVFm2TSoGSDTpdxdQGqevcEFERsmrTN649MJLNBVJ7wny6LQRtjWJn90yKOxopy722rX62U/s400/IMG_3535.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Another cushion</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5cfHH-7rQPXeh1wwzndB8AV3nrl5p1quXNSA3Cdn8oJ5MFL00yKJ18M4dRI2Rtgpbox46wJtqu2fQiDDBgNyKwUArKHz1U4dHBQxqUBnaihDorgl7L7kjcierOzDAAKQgygZN3mbgGhc/s1600/IMG_3536.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5cfHH-7rQPXeh1wwzndB8AV3nrl5p1quXNSA3Cdn8oJ5MFL00yKJ18M4dRI2Rtgpbox46wJtqu2fQiDDBgNyKwUArKHz1U4dHBQxqUBnaihDorgl7L7kjcierOzDAAKQgygZN3mbgGhc/s400/IMG_3536.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">More cushion</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXfHhoeGZdTi4oZNnzjQ8x7O7QE0IZXrUKt1IWyGvfuhDVOGdK992KQwXDNScVVUVoarCEWUKwhJbUrPEdDF8OOzY9CqdVWZR_cWPs1ImoqZTBtOBPKqZ2RpzzE2Zb3RC4TQd1QqKHc2o/s1600/IMG_3524.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXfHhoeGZdTi4oZNnzjQ8x7O7QE0IZXrUKt1IWyGvfuhDVOGdK992KQwXDNScVVUVoarCEWUKwhJbUrPEdDF8OOzY9CqdVWZR_cWPs1ImoqZTBtOBPKqZ2RpzzE2Zb3RC4TQd1QqKHc2o/s400/IMG_3524.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I actually bought this bench just so I could make the cushion.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8EGqly8KJoydVsu3PpYkjKMgsMlGdbRdYRxOl9eHJEL0rbxH8abJdHYyZNo-c3kOWz-bkT_0ALBEgnqx0aYoI626GoVD-suG1_kuOOnFMsw2nZkNScY5isK6woQCKGGoJLYV8NLCLxIU/s1600/IMG_3468.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8EGqly8KJoydVsu3PpYkjKMgsMlGdbRdYRxOl9eHJEL0rbxH8abJdHYyZNo-c3kOWz-bkT_0ALBEgnqx0aYoI626GoVD-suG1_kuOOnFMsw2nZkNScY5isK6woQCKGGoJLYV8NLCLxIU/s400/IMG_3468.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I made the child, too. </td></tr>
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So, seriously though, let's keep this between us. I don't want to be known as a "crafter" because then I will start judging myself by the actual ones on Pinterest and that will ruin everything. I prefer to be known as a career woman who occasionally does some substandard projects because Africa won't stop making fabric. That's the line we are going with. <br />
<br />hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-77823338725646009292020-03-31T10:57:00.002-04:002020-03-31T12:29:59.355-04:00I was born for thisThere's lots of (belated, massive deserved) praise for Gen X going around right now, about how we are uniquely equipped for this crisis by virtue of being sandwiched in between two generations of needy divas and spending our childhoods largely ignored. We grew up after large numbers of women entered the workforce but before they understood that they were supposed to feel massive guilt that should then be channeled into making parenting another whole other career. Gen X is resourceful and low-maintenance. We can easily survive in a house by ourselves for days, years, decades on end.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4F_sLVi5n7IFRmp1vEMDs-vn8gjo41nTw0UPnc-YrWX4OtxlUNoGa3lEvy9kVEbyVJjmI9hwsFwSSXtRXtqVvMZz0c4aJNiGETwgu5zDd7Wg2zia4d5G_Fk8sfaxOl7rR2vDrp7eKVm4/s1600/gen-x-memes-iBB.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="525" data-original-width="1000" height="336" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4F_sLVi5n7IFRmp1vEMDs-vn8gjo41nTw0UPnc-YrWX4OtxlUNoGa3lEvy9kVEbyVJjmI9hwsFwSSXtRXtqVvMZz0c4aJNiGETwgu5zDd7Wg2zia4d5G_Fk8sfaxOl7rR2vDrp7eKVm4/s640/gen-x-memes-iBB.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Well, of all the Gen Xers who are prepared for pandemic life, I believe I am the preparedest. Because I am extra brave and tough? No. Because I am level-headed in a crisis? Absolutely not, I am more likely to kill myself pre-emptively to avoid the pressure. Because I have survival skills and can suture a wound with my cross stitching kit? Not a chance. Because I always have the right words and deep thoughts to convey to people who are going through tough times? Probably not, although in my own mind, I am Oprah (We are both ENFJs, but just as a McDonalds burger and a Shake Shack burger are both technically hamburgers, all ENFJs do not help you live your best life. Some of them may cause you to consider ending it).<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivCqRr0UOmfExt0W5_dVFtIGYu0xvUpyLN0iZv5436j-iGMaRPqlLw48QTUJtLiVbqDUX_LFpjsY1JNdDN1kq1vpUQraRr1WR71fotAHCTmuoVHtD97C7JfTRvIPrvWii47qN25SjBhZM/s1600/comparison.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="181" data-original-width="500" height="143" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivCqRr0UOmfExt0W5_dVFtIGYu0xvUpyLN0iZv5436j-iGMaRPqlLw48QTUJtLiVbqDUX_LFpjsY1JNdDN1kq1vpUQraRr1WR71fotAHCTmuoVHtD97C7JfTRvIPrvWii47qN25SjBhZM/s400/comparison.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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So why am I so well equipped here? We'll break it down further (as if you could stop me) but in a nutshell, especially for those who don't know me, I had an extremely bizarre childhood in rural Kenya that was highly exotic yet very confined that gave me these highly specific skills:<br />
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1) I am good at being trapped inside a circumscribed space. I spent most of my childhood on a boarding school campus out in the middle of nowhere or else in my family's home, also in a largely rural setting. I generally didn't leave, and even if I had wanted to, there was nowhere really to go. And you know what--I didn't mind. As an adult, I have discovered that leaving one's residence and confronting challenges like choosing breakfast cereal is really a lot of work and quite stressful. I don't really need that in my life. <br />
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2) I have seen toilet paper shortages before. I'm not sure what the cause was, whether it was the mismanagement of the Kenyan economy or the mismanagement of our school's procurement process, but I have survived a few toilet paper shortages in my day. Each dorm room was rationed a certain number of rolls per week, which you had to carry with you to the bathroom (only a great fool would leave it in the stall). It was never really enough, and one time, my roommates and I attempted to steal more (we were caught and appropriately punished with even less toilet paper). We resorted to things like using notebook paper (and honestly, the difference between Kenyan TP and notebook paper is minimal) and just sitting on the pot longer to let things air out. In general, however, I would say a high-fiber diet is not your friend during a TP shortage. Get you some rice and bananas. <br />
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3) I am extremely good at managing boredom. From circa 1983-1988, I had no TV, no radio, no VCR, and obviously nothing invented after 1988. I had a very imaginative older sister at home and some crazy friends at school, assorted pets, including an extremely talented but obnoxious Yorkie, a bunch of Strawberry Shortcake dolls with some highly dramatic backstories, a flattened cardboard box and a grassy hill, and a three-sided vanity mirror and my own face. And some books, which I did not care to read most of the time, although I once did a voluntary research paper on Haiti using our family's encyclopedia (did you know that Haiti and Lichtenstein had the exact same flag for awhile but no one realized it until the 1936 Olympics? True story).<br />
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But then, in 1988, something miraculous happened. Our family got a TV and VCR. This changed my life, in that it rooted it very firmly on the sofa in our living room, from which I watched the same 10 episodes of the Cosby Show and all the Inspector Clouseau movies on loop. Of course, that was just at home. At school, there was still absolutely nothing to do, except practice the fake karate moves and the fake French accent I learned from the Inspector Clouseau movies. As I tell my kids, boredom is not a real thing, it is a choice that you make. Repeating this line to my kids prevents them from whining and complaining about being bored around 0% of the time. Try it in your own home for free.<br />
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4) I am also used to government failure, limited food options, wearing ugly clothing for days/weeks/months/years on end, only occasional bathing, a challenged healthcare system, natural hair color, ragged cuticles, DIY home maintenance, and living in close quarters with people who eventually annoy you no matter how much you loved them in the beginning. <br />
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So, frankly, I am doing very well. Especially since most of my <a href="http://www.motherhoodforthephobic.com/2017/10/rad.html">anxiety triggers </a>concern leaving the house. You knock all those challenges out and shrink life into four walls, and suddenly, you are absolutely crushing every responsibility you have and probably doing stuff no one expects you to do, like dusting knick knacks. Except apparently bathing is just too much, a bridge too far. <br />
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<br />hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3488449073845563259.post-88051259866645173792020-03-22T18:30:00.002-04:002020-03-22T18:30:55.921-04:00Let's start over, without the high heelsMany people are suggesting this pandemic situation will allow us to reassess how we have done many things in human society and to correct course. People who think they are socialists (but who in fact never had to bring their own soap and toilet paper to 1980s Tanzania) are encouraged by the discussion of a universal basic income during the crisis and hope it might prove its worth. Environmental activists are excited by all the pollution clearing due to the cessation of economic production and suggest we might undo some of the damage we've done to the planet. Teachers are not saying, but are no doubt thinking, that maybe now that everyone has to educate their own children, whom the teachers could have already told you are all little punks, perhaps they might get their salaries doubled. Or quadrupled. Or maybe they will all be made deities.<br />
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Well, I'd like to add something to the pile of trash we are burning here. Women's fashion and beauty. ALL. OF. IT. <br />
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Ladies, we have an amazing opportunity, if we all work together and agree, to free ourselves from the ridiculous, burdensome societal expectations of beauty under which we have been living for centuries. Our men are locked in their houses, maybe for months on end, and we are the only women they are seeing. Yes, there is the internet, and we all know what is on the internet, and if you haven't put parental controls on your man's computer by now, then you need to get on that. Regardless of the skanky internet women, we are the only women they are seeing in the flesh, even if that flesh is flaky and unshaven. <br />
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The other day my husband hit on me. I was on day 2 or 3 of wearing the same pair of PJs for most of the day and not bathing. I have fine, blonde hair that ideally needs washing every day, so it was stuck to my head as if saran-wrapped there. I was wearing a pair of those massive, hipster glasses that I got because I wanted to look cool or at least wise like Oprah but in which I in fact just look ugly. I (obviously) had no make up on, and I need make up, because as we all know, I have copious, age-defying levels of adult acne. My chin hairs were unruly, because I have stopped touching my face, sort of, and I was wearing my retainer, because what better time to shove one's teeth back into place than during a pandemic. Nothing was shaven. I looked absolutely hideous and smelled like rancid yeast. But nonetheless, he hit on me. I looked at him like he had just voluntarily eaten of bowl of rancid yeast. And then I had an epiphany.<br />
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What if everyone's expectations of what is attractive could be reset? What if after months of not seeing any woman who had performed the full female routine of making themselves presentable to the outside world, everyone thought we look amazing without even trying? What if women emerged from this time, enjoying a lifestyle free from beauty tyranny, finally ready to band together and say NO to all the things to which we enslave ourselves, things that make our backs hurt, pinch our fat, give us razor burn, and use a bunch of time and money that might be better spent on global conquest and domination? Things like<br />
High heels or any shoe in which one cannot walk at least a mile<br />
Clothing without elastic and stretchyness<br />
Underclothing that cuts off circulation<br />
Clothing without lots of pockets, and we all decide we can put all the things in them without worrying if we look fat. Then we stop carrying bags everywhere, and men and children are too afraid to leave the house again<br />
All make-up<br />
All curling irons, wands, straighteners, hot rollers, etc.<br />
Blow dryers are OK but only to literally dry the hair to prevent pneumonia, not to do "blow outs"<br />
Hair spray, gel, mousse, etc.<br />
Dry shampoo is OK, in fact, maybe get rid of the other shampoo<br />
Razors (I admit I'm torn on this one. I do like a clean armpit)<br />
Tweezers (OK maybe not. I do find tweezing strangely satisfying)<br />
"Creams" of all kinds, because NONE OF THEM WORK ANYWAY, YOU ARE ALL DUPES<br />
"Polishes" of all kinds, DITTO<br />
Most accessories<br />
Things that supposedly are clothing in which to sleep but in which one freezes to death and also over which one must put other clothes if there is an emergency in the middle of the night, wasting precious time and risking lives. If you can't immediately bound out of bed and run into the street without scandalizing someone, it cannot exist.<br />
If anyone is still wearing panty hose, fork that over, too (I'm looking at you Princess Kate)<br />
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Now I know what some of you are thinking. "But I like fashion! I like make-up! I like accessories and bags!" NO. You don't. You have been led to believe you do, by an industry that in fact is also secretly run by men and doesn't want you to succeed in life. THIS IS OUR MOMENT, SISTERS. THIS IS OUR TIME. We have to decide NOW how the post-corona world is going to look. And then we need to remake the world in our own newly revolting image. <br />
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However, since we are locked inside without much to do, I may experiment with eye shadow first. <br />
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<br />hollybfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204174032403959589noreply@blogger.com2