Saturday, May 8, 2010

Some signs you are a Phobic Mom

I usually don't live my life in imitation of Jeff Foxworthy, but I'm low on creative energies (and all other kinds) so i'll do a cheesy-easy-cop-out post. Besides, some very deranged people out there might be lying awake at night wondering what a Phobic Mom is exactly. So here are some indicators/warnings that you, too, might be a Phobic Mom.

1. You don't understand how and why people take their small children on vacation. In fact, you believe it is impossible to take small children on vacation because once small children are present, it ceases to be a vacation.
2. You don't understand how and why people have more than two children. You don't know how they have more than one, but you vaguely understand why (so the older one will one day leave you alone).
3. You don't understand how and why people breastfeed their children beyond two weeks, which, by your calculations, is the exact moment when social pressure is defeated by exhaustion, clinical depression, a strong desire to get in the car and drive to Utah, and a generalized desire to reclaim one's humanity.
4. People often compliment you on your "honesty," which is a nice way of saying you whine a lot.
5. You are completely incapable of putting your daughter's hair in a ponytail despite playing with dolls for over a decade.
6. People express shock and a degree of horror when you tell them you plan to have another child.
7. You are the only mother in America that bathes her child once a week and believe whole heartedly in the power of the Wet Wipe.
8. You brush your child's teeth once a day, if that, because they are all going to fall out anyway.
9. You cannot imagine any scenario, other than global apocalypse, in which you would allow your child to sleep in your bed.
10. You cannot imagine any scenario, including global apocalypse, in which you would enjoy being pregnant.
11. You cannot imagine any scenario in which you would have organic milk delivered from a local farm, unless a global apocalypse shut off all other sources.
12. You support your child's chicken nugget habit because it means you don't need to cook.
13, You work to support your daycare addiction.
14. You eat your child's leftovers for your meals because it's just easier that way.
15. You would rather die a slow, painful death that lasts 20 years than homeschool your children. Because it's kind of the same thing in your view.
16. . You really really love your child but you really really can't wait until they are at least 5 and can watch an entire TV show without involving you. And despite everyone telling you otherwise, you won't miss "these precious early years." Really.

If 4 or more of the above descriptors sound like you, you are probably a Phobic Mom and need immediate help. Unfortunately, there is none....so....

3 comments:

  1. I gotta agree on the teeth. They're going to fall out anyhow.

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  2. Not that anyone cards but I wouldn't consider myself a phobic mom and I totally agree with 7, 8, 9, and 11, at the very least. I agree with several others but am too lazy to list them all! :)

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  3. I can't say that I'm a phobic mom, but there's definitely truth in each one of those ... except for the teeth one. The dentist said that Pieter had a shadow on one of his teeth ... ie almost a cavity. They wouldn't pull if it turns into a full cavity because it needs to be a place holder. So, we're brushing AND flossing (arg!!!) multiple times a day because there's no way I'm going to pay for a filling for the 6 year old!!

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